gold starI’m going to start by giving myself a gold star. Yes. Right out of the gate. I took care of myself this Summer. And taking care of myself wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t always successful every single day. But I went down into the cave of self-preservation, I protected myself, and I clawed my way out.

GOLD STAR!

I could regale you with all the ways this Summer nearly derailed me. But to revisit all of that stuff would be annoying, boring, and unhelpful. Here are the headlines:

1. I Didn’t Fail My jQuery/ Javascript Class
2. I Repeatedly Learned I was Not Responsible For Other People’s Reactions/ Emotions
3. Watching the Entire Gilmore Girls Series Is Therapeutic

Oh yes. Yes I did. All seven seasons. I laughed, I cried, I yelled at Luke, I felt thankful for bizarre family units and communities. Sometimes the best way to work your way through the doldrums is to check out for a bit. I stepped away from social media and the awful tendency I have to compare my life to others as I scroll through a timeline. I let the need to feel inadequate fade away. For the most part.

Summertime is hard for many reasons. There is the obvious heat index situation which frequently makes me want to shut everything down and hibernate. Then there is the guilt trip I take myself on for not being able to afford to take my family on a trip or adventure. (meh, that’s fleeting) Then there is the weird panic that happens around my 1/2 birthday. Odd I don’t seem to freak out on my ACTUAL birthday, but give me a 1/2 birthday and I will give you a monologue about how I am a failure.

The good news is that Summer is nearly over. We’ve had a few days without oppressive humidity and it was enough to remind me of the wonderful to come. LONG SLEEVES! Blue jeans! BOOOOOOOOOTS!!! Life is much more enjoyable when I can cover up and savor a fluffy sweater.

For many people, depression is a fluctuating beast. It can knock you down a few pegs if you aren’t feeling stable and charged. I was the embodiment of a Chumbawamba song getting knocked down and getting up again (sans whiskey and vodka drinks). Yes, there were days where I pretty much coasted, but those days have the sweeter victory. I can look back and genuinely applaud myself for not giving up.

In a few days W begins 2nd grade and I begin the last semester of my return to school program. I’ve started aggressively job hunting and searching for a dream job. It’s exciting to think what will be next. Exciting and fluttery. And I begin with a gold star on my lapel.
You are not responsible for other people's feelings or depression.