First of all, CALM DOWN, I am not going to go through all ten years as I traipse through my decade in review. But the last ten years have been eventful and to be honest I still haven’t decided if the pros column is larger than the cons. Truthfully that is what this post is for me. I am doing a bit of a walk and talk here.
Here is where I say how fantastic blogging is. I supposed this would work for a written journal, but I was horrible with those. If you took a look at my journals from high school or my days in New York they would put you to sleep. Not saying my online writing is all glitter, but at least it keeps ME going.
So there I am. On my 30th birthday. Super cute. Millie looks good. I look good. I look HAPPY!
I spent the last year of my 20’s doing BIG things: I went to Uganda, I started my journey to get pregnant, I had exploratory surgery, I hosted a Thanksgiving.
The first year of my 30’s: my mom moved to Florida, things got REALLY effed up with other family members, Millie’s Alzheimer’s moved to a stage where it was no longer possible for me to leave her alone, my dog died, and then Millie and I moved to Florida to be with mom, still not pregnant.
yada, yadda…maybe I’ll be an egg donor, or maybe I have hepatitis C, or oops, no I don’t, but tra la la…how are you liking your 30’s?
Alzheimer’s, Alzheimer’s, Alzheimer’s, and lots of depression and no baby. And probably no baby ever. Oh wait! Maybe….nope.
HOLD ON! Interjection of AWESOME! A rally of (pretty much) strangers! Suddenly I can try to have a baby again!
[yes. Yes. My 30’s were pretty much Alzheimer’s related or infertility related – JEALOUS!??]
Complete disbelief. The cells are multiplying and staying around. OMG.
Mother loses her job. All security gone. But we will be fine. WE WILL TOTALLY BE FINE.
The cells become W. W becomes my everything.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! CAN’T I ENJOY THE MOMENT?!!
Stress. SO much stress. No income kind of stress. Public assistance kind of stress. Selling everything. Freaking out. Where is the exhale?
Millie dies. The world goes dark. I go dark. What happens next? Where do we go?
Beacon of light and a rope are tossed our way and we pull ourselves to a place where we can hover. In a different state where we know next to no one. More adventures on public assistance. More shaving of egos and sadness and feeling like dirt.
But also? Motherhood. Oh hey. Look at this beautiful new soul. Literally the person keeping me grounded. I move forward for him. I strive to thrive for him. I feel so old and discarded.
At last opportunity calls in another state and we all push and rally and move. THIS is it. THIS is where our new start will happen. And it does. For a good while it does. No more need for public assistance. My boy is walking! He is talking! He is learning! I am working!
And my mother is working! And we are a family unit. So awesome.
We need more! My heart is so big, we are good now. Let’s do it! Doctors are called. Embryos are thawed. Plus signs are celebrated. Then everything is gone. It happens twice.
Friendships evaporate. Work becomes stressful but that great kind of stressful. The ALIVE stress. I take on more work from more places. Yes! I will write for you! And You! And You! Yes! I will save and save and save and we will move. My son needs a yard and a better school.
I can do this. I can make that happen for him.
Work, work, work, work. Save. Search, search, search. And then finally – FINALLY – so thrilling – the best – so wonderful! We find our home. Not a house – a HOME. It takes all of my savings and then some to get us moved and I am filled with so much pride. I made it happen. I did it.
And then I lose my job.
History revisits our family. The dance of no stability.
So I work extra hard at the extra writing jobs. And I decide I need to feel more in control. I can go back to school. We can do just fine on my freelance income and then I can graduate and look for a secure and steady job. I am brilliant! I am clever!
I am downsized.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The day before I start school? Downsized?
Fine. I have school. School. School.
And that. THAT was my 30’s. An entire decade in review. Which pretty much can be summed up like this:
I do not mind being the person who claims motherhood this way. It was THE good thing. There were other good moments and small victories, but W is the only thing that makes looking back on these 10 years not seem so horrible. And I know it could have been worse. Trust me. I know. I was on the threshold of worse several times and “worse” looked like a lot of different things depending on the year.
I am thrilled (ELATED) to soon be closing the chapter on my 30’s. So long. My 40’s don’t need to be golden or magical, but I would like less stress. I would LOVE less chaos. I would love to be more calm and secure – in all ways.
I have less than 40 days in this decade. May they be quiet and uneventful.