It was such a wonderful RUSH to decide to go back to school. I felt victorious and empowered. I felt like I was back in charge of my life. But then reality kicked it up a notch and lowered me down a peg. Or two. I am pretty much crap when I cave into a pity party and that is what I have been having for myself.

School costs money. It is pretty hard to afford to go to school to get the great job when you are living off one part time job. Of course I wanted to be able to jump right in because it seemed like a major milestone of a realization, but that was mighty naive of me to think waltzing into school would be simple.

I’m scrappy. I’m a fighter. I will make it happen.

But yes, I have been down about it for a while. It happens.

I admire how some people have the ability to spin so many plates and stay optimistic. I think I used to be an optimistic person. I am positive about a lot of things. However, when it comes to myself I sadly fall into some negative vortex that dooms me. I know I should get to the top of the mountain, but the struggle to get up there can be overwhelming. Sometimes the struggle feels so huge that I wonder why I should even try. But I DO keep trying, even if all I do is take one step.

Today my step was writing here. I have been silent because I didn’t know what to put in the space after being all, “WOOO!! SCHOOL!” Especially now that I am all, “well, school when I can!” And that fucking sucks. (sorry for swearing, Ma, but it sucks)

I think setbacks are one of the things that I have hated most in my life. I’ve hated them with infertility, with other parts of my health, with employment, with looking for a place to live. Watching the dominoes fall takes some sparkle out of me.

It’s a monday. A new start of a new week. Last week was derailed by W’s horrible, awful, no-good flu. I’m still recovering from a level of parental exhaustion I have not known since the newborn era.

I’ll get back. I’ll get back to sparkling and to figuring stuff out. Soon.

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