It happens often enough that I am no longer surprised by it and no longer fight it: December is a beast. I used to force myself into merriment and force myself into front-facing happiness, but good grief that is exhausting. What I now know to do is a bit of self-preservation. I work on a back up generator allowing the rest of me to recharge.
For years the month of December has been amazing, truly the BEST month out of them all. It was a month of birthdays: my mother’s, my own, and then Christmas. I thrilled at the glow of holiday lights and carols; and I resonated with the Word from church. I was always with my family for my birthday and despite its incredibly close proximity to a major holiday I never felt less than special.
I hate to admit it, but I started giving up on Christmas when I saw the holiday fade for Millie. She was the Grand Marshall of our family’s celebrations and to witness her pull away and distance from traditions was hard. Hard for the seven-year old in me, and then hard for the adult part of me. When I truly began grappling with my faith during my infertility struggle, Christmas became even harder to embrace because it made me feel like a phony.
Having W restored many parts of me that were broken. Well actually, he didn’t restore them, rather I started to heal myself and release anger and bitterness. When I let go of being furious at God I found myself able to be open to faith again. I have felt very protective of this tiny flame of faith, something that took a lot of work to rekindle.
But it’s here and I feel excited about Christmas this year. I just needed to ease into it. Because December is still one of those yard months.
I have been recharging for a few days. There have been some emotional days where I have been overwhelmed. There have been some days where I have thankfully been able to ground myself. I am thankful to be here and thankful you are too.
This weekend (once things are out of the jinx zone) I will share one of the things that has pulled me out of grey and into giddy.
Stuff I did on the Internet:
• For the first time EVER I participated in Neil’s annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert. This is truly one of my favorite things that happens every year and I always love the fun collection of participants.
• Some of you on Facebook may have seen me fuming about a recent dental appointment W had. I wrote more about dentist anxiety and how horrible it is for health care workers to shame kids who have it.
• Being a small family is hard. I wrote about large family envy that happens around the holidays.
• Celebrating Christmas while being a caregiver is brutal. I wrote about it a lot as I was going through it. Here I offer up some (hopefully) helpful advice to caregivers who are currently in the holiday trenches.