Hammacher Schlemmer is one of my favorite catalogs. Truly. When a new one arrives in the mail I flip through it swiftly, then I return back to page one and savor each product slowly. In a word they have always been quirky. Many times they have been other worldly or silly, but lately the collection of products presented to us seems to be begging the question, “HEY! Are you still looking at what we are selling?”

You know how you are having a serious conversation with a friend and you start to get the feeling they are not paying attention anymore so you just begin bullshitting or just saying hippopotamus over and over? THIS is what I think Hammacher Schlemmer has started to do. It started a season or so ago when they started including a shoe suitable for a sufferer of plantar fasciitis on every page. Now it is out of control. Now they are full on yelling hippopotamus at us. Or hippopotamus schlemmer.

I HEAR you, Hammacher Schlemmer. I am listening. What is it that you need to say? You have my attention. Oh my goodness, do you ever!

Below are just a few of their cries for help in the latest catalogue:

Hammacher Schlemmer - power nap pillowPOWER NAP PILLOW: Let’s discuss who this product is for. Is this the kind of thing you buy yourself or is it a gift? Maybe for a nap loving insect fan who isn’t claustrophobic? That is pretty specific. The neck looks so tight and those ear holes look like someone could easily rest a can of soda there as a joke. Lots of anxiety just from the photo. LOTS.

Hammacher Schlemmer - paparazzi visorPAPARAZZI VISOR: Surely this is a gag gift. Has to be. A $50 gag gift from the place we all think of when we think of gag gifts… I love that the description declares that it is for “concealing one’s countenance” and that it is a “dismissive yet graceful style”. uh… if you say so!

Hammacher Schlemmer - submarine carSUBMARINE CAR: Hey! Got two million dollars and not a single bone in your body is telling you there is probably something SERIOUSLY awesome and game changing you could do in your community with it? I’ll wait while you listen to your inner voice. No, really, get very still and quiet and think about 2 MEEEEEEEEEELION bucks. Nothing coming to mind? sigh. Fine. This submarine convertible car was made for you. Enjoy.

Hammacher Schlemmer - call me glovesCALL ME GLOVES: HA HA HA HA HA HA. (hold on a second, let me catch my breath…) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Hammacher Schlemmer!!!! You so funny!!! Seriously? Call me gloves? omg.

Hammacher Schlemmer - animated cat earsANIMATED CAT EARS: uh…so the gloves weren’t the biggest WHAAAA?? Wow. You guys. I CAN HEAR YOU!!! Take off your cat ears, Hammacher Schlemmer. Talk to us. What’s up?

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