I have been making writing here a priority every week day. That means: show up, write, mark the day. Too many days go by where I skip saying or writing anything because I have mismanaged my time or I feel like I have nothing of value to say. Value? Writing is something I do everyday for work, but it is a different muscle to do it for myself and unless I show up here it will continue to be bumbling and awkward when I really just want to meander and dabble about the keyboard.
What I need today is to see a list of what is good. I continue to be tugged into sadness about the house and while I know that emotion will sort itself out with time, I somehow managed to hitch that sadness into a bizarre parallel sadness so it expanded and warped. Last night house sadness joined forces with mom guilt. Wonderful, right?
Yesterday W stated, rather matter-of-factly, “some families go on vacations and our family does not.” There was just the smallest hint of wistful in his voice as he made this statement and I knew he was looking for me to respond in a comforting way. So I did. “Yup. Some families go on vacations. And SOME families, like our family, have adventures!” That was enough to spark his mind into a change of course and all was well.
But the thought lingered in my head and like a fool I grabbed it and turned it into a proclamation of failure. Even as it is happening, the poking at my heart for not being the sort of mom who can scoop up her kid and jet off to the shore, I know it is silly. I have LONG TERM goals here. W knows this. We talk about saving and our family plans ALL THE TIME. We aren’t going on trips or spending money carelessly because every spare dime is going into savings for our next home.
Oh but that wave of guilt, ridiculous as it is, it will still pound you.
Wasn’t I going to make a list of good things?
1. I remembered to make this list
2. Today I am officially 65 pounds gone
3. W loves to sing
4. My mom gets to leave work early today
5. I am not going to open my computer tomorrow
6. I am working on a secret project for a friend and every time I get a new file for it I get so excited
I am sure there are more good things, but this is what springs to mind now.
1. Make a better list of good things