It’s probably no big deal, in fact, of course it isn’t, but I want to get this off my chest tonight in case tomorrow renders this moment out of my control. I want to show that this was, in fact a choice. It won’t matter that my OB called me to schedule an appointment as soon as possible. It won’t matter what she tells me or what the tests show. I have slowly been realizing I was ready to make this decision for a few months so if the OB tells me horrible news, and she won’t because I am willing her not to, I am now officially on record as saying – deciding to not have any more kids was my idea.
I knew for certain the very moment the technician began the ultrasound exam last week. The last time I had an ultrasound before then was when I found out Tartan’s heartbeat had stopped. It was horrible. So last week, as I went through an incredibly dull and long scan, there was so much silence in the dark room. Just me and my thoughts. My thoughts were telling me how sad I was at the idea of going through that kind of moment again.
My greatest joy is my son and every day our relationship grows and it is a BLAST to be his Mama. All those years I tried to get pregnant were never about being pregnant or having a baby, it was about being a parent and I feel like I am really in it right now. We are a wonderful love song.
It would have been wonderful if the other tries turned into more parenting moments, but they didn’t. It broke my heart. In order for me to really heal and move forward I need to be the one with her hand on the door knob when the door closes.
Everything I do as a person now I do it for the betterment of my kid. I want him to have the best of me, not a version of me who is always waiting and pining away. This is it, this is us.
And now I’ve said this. I can deal with anything the doctor tells me tomorrow.