Wouldn’t it be so exciting to click over to someone’s site, someone you knew to be hoping to someday add to their family, and find out that they were 10 weeks late? Confetti would be tossed! Celebrations would be shouted. All around good feelings would be had.

Oh, sorry, that isn’t about to happen here. I am going to tell you that I’m 10 weeks late. Then I am going to remind you that I just turned 38. I will also remind you that for all of 2013 I had the most bizarre and fucked up lady town visits ever. I never normalized out after the D&C into a normal cycle. Instead I would go 2 months without a period and then I would have a period for 3 months. It SUCKED.

So now I am looking at the calendar and realizing this is the longest I have gone without having a period (and not been pregnant). Obviously you guys know I am SO not pregnant.

I think I am about to cross the threshold into menopause.

I know it isn’t the end of the world, but for some reason typing that word has made me emotional. Mostly I am sad because, yet again, my body is showing me that I am not in charge of anything. There are many women who would be thrilled to surrender their monthly periods, but to me the surrender means the end of the back burner dream.

Going in for that last FET is a priority I shifted and moved below getting W into a great school and moving us into a house. Those things will always come first.

Having my body do this feels like having a waiter take my plate away while I was still eating and never bringing me the dessert menu. Here’s the check, ma’am. You are DONE.

I feel absolutely greedy for having wanted more.

A few days ago I got my health insurance card in the mail. This is a really big deal for me. I had individual health insurance up to being pregnant with W and then I was denied maternity coverage by the company who was covering me. Maternity coverage was something that had to be approved in advance through them and they did not approve it without a marriage certificate. Oh yes, the world of individual health insurance was a total wild west.

While I have been a self-pay patient of my primary doctor for years (I have to go often to check my thyroid levels), I am thrilled to now have actual coverage I pay for every month. The first appointment I made was with the GYN office I saw last year to discuss the crazy long and never-ending flow. My appointment is in two weeks.

As soon as I hit publish on this I will probably get my period. Because that is how these things happen.

health insurance card selfie

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