w and the treeTo say I was a disaster earlier this week is a complete understatement. I attempted to move about my days as if I had no personal baggage and then ended up shocked when all of these little cracks on my surface spread and I split wide open. I nearly didn’t make it through Wednesday. December 11th. No big deal. It was just a day. But it was also a milestone, a passing of time, a barometer to test if “time healed all wounds.” Turns out a year later and I can still cry myself inside out over the removal of the miscarriage from my body.

The snow was a lovely distraction because oh how I LOVE snow. The peripherals of snow were difficult. W was home for 3 days. Monday the roads were awful and all schools were on a 2 hour delay. Since he only goes a half day on Monday there was really no point in us making the schlep. Tuesday schools were closed. Wednesday I spent a ridiculous about of time getting the car cleared out from under the snow. As I was pushing snow off of the roof I watched car after car drive by and then turn around. When I asked a neighbor what was going on she told me there was a pretty bad accident and everyone needed to drive route x,y, z in order to get around it. I looked at the clock on the car dash and saw how late we already were for school, watched several more cars skid in the ice a street over, and I called Mom.

Wednesday was my, “just fucking keep it together” day. And I was NOT keeping it together. She suggested W and I head back inside and I set up another day of “home pre-K” for him like I had done on Monday and Tuesday. Since W is alllll about workbooks and writing it was nice to be able to set him up at his desk with projects. I collapsed onto the sofa and cried. For no reason whatsoever. And for every reason in the world.

My phone started buzzing and I looked down to see my boss’s name calling. SHIT. I was so late that I was late logging into work at my usual time so I answered the phone apologizing. Only I wasn’t simply late for logging into work…I was late FOR MY REVIEW.

Fuck.

Rescheduled the review, had a wild W (who I later realized was at the start of a cold and he always has these super fun energy bursts before getting sick), and pushed into work mode. I took a break to participate in a Google Hangout about caregiving during the holidays which ended up being super emotional. When it was over I sat down and cried. Honestly, it was a leaky day.

Mom came home early, the entire house rejoiced, I logged back into work and saw the email reminding me of a super important call that was happening. Two hours ago. As in I missed the call. As in this would be the 2nd VERY IMPORTANT call I missed on one day. This is so not me. It isn’t. I am horrible about reading personal emails, but when it comes to work? I am ridiculously focused. I called my boss to, you guessed it, apologize and everything was ok.

Well, everything was ok with work. Inside me? NOT ok. But what can you do when you are in the middle of a melt down kind of day? You can’t call a time-out? Although it seems like I somehow managed to do that inadvertently. The rest of the week improved and I think I just have to call December 11th a shit day. It is what it is. Add it to the mix.

We now have a tree bringing joy into the home and I am allowing the spirit of the holidays rush in and surround us. I want to remember that I do not need to be perfect, and beyond that I want to remember that I do not even need to strive for perfection.

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