A few days ago my back started to hurt. It was weird and annoying. I know I have been burning the candle at both ends trying to find some sort of magic schedule that will work for me. Oh, and failing. I attributed the back pain to a generic sort of malaise. Then I realized how wrong the timing was for me: the weather is so fantastic and crisp. We are delighting in boots and sweaters and I am happily enjoying my peppermint mocha creamer every morning.
I do not get the mopes during cold weather. I mean, maybe a tad, but not really. On Friday I was stretched out on the sofa and I had this odd feeling. The actual thought that popped into my head was, “I should be pregnant right now.” The thought wasn’t connected to me wishing I was actively trying. In fact I am really good and solid with my plan of waiting right now so this thought felt out of body.
What I am realizing now is that I am going through some body let go from last year. This time last year I WAS pregnant and excited and looking forward to big things. Grief really sneaks up on you. It’s a slow burn and then a slap on the face. I know the more time and distance I put between myself and the miscarriage the lighter I will feel and the healthier my body will be.
I really hate that I am holding on to memories and feelings in my muscle. All I can do is acknowledge it: that was hard, I am doing better. It’s also made me remember how much I phoned in the holidays last year and there is NO WAY I am doing that this year. I had hoped I would be able to find us a new house before the holidays, you know, have a modern Miracle on 34th St. moment. That is not happening…so letting that daydream go. And really, being ok with that.
Instead I am focusing on what I can do. That translates to fun times together. This morning I took W out with his camera so he can begin his photo essay to Santa and then later this afternoon we all worked on the Advent calendar bags we will hang at the end of the month. I am focusing on making this week meaningful. It’s not to replace last year, but to be purposeful with what is right in front of me.
I wrote this:
I’ve been pushing myself at Babble and trying to flex some writing muscles that are beyond memoir style. These are my most recent favorites so I thought I would share.
• I’ve enjoyed the conversations that have started because of this post about Beastie Boys and the GoldieBlox commercial. I’d love to know what you think about this.
• Did you really think I wasn’t going to seize the day to write the ULTIMATE list of movies and TV shows with sperm donor story lines? I just watched the first episode of Generation Cryo and it is AMAZING. It’s must see. I came up with: Just Keep Swimming: Delivery Man and 15 More Donor Dad Stories
• I interviewed Fergie and it only got a little bit awkward during one small part…
In a week I get to interview Tim Gunn. (OMG!!) I’m sure he will be fine with an interview exclusively about plaid, right?