I didn’t feel well all weekend. I still don’t feel well. Mostly things are lady town related. Yeah, it’s an ebb and flow situation. I thought things were getting better and then the tide turned, so to speak. So that is the top tier of the not feeling well, but then there is the under current.
Sometimes I forget about depression.
I take medication. I celebrate my family and my life. I am thankful for all of the things I have and have experienced. And yet this unexplainable grey shadow looms. Sometimes I can see it, but many times I forget and I don’t even realize I am wallowing in the shadow for a long time.
It started Friday night. With headaches. This need for everything and everyone to be still and be quiet. I had too many agitations, too much anxiety and stress. No real reason, honestly. Just a basket of stress at my feet like a gift someone had left thinking they were being thoughtful.
Saturday the headache was contained, but everything was too bright.
Sunday I was overwhelmed with horrible cramps and the need to sleep. So I slept. All day.
This is where we point to two obvious things:
1) I am a very lucky person to have a family that put up with me this weekend. Specifically I am lucky to have a Mom who basically took over with all things W. I can not imagine how I would have made it without her.
2) This morning, when I realized I had pretty much slept all day yesterday, it was really only then that I accepted I was in a bubble of depression.
Isn’t it so ridiculous that we can be so unaware of our own immediate sadness? I can’t figure out if I am supposed to question and hunt around for the root of this moment of sad or I if just needed to drop down into the cave and land on the bottom of the emotion. Like a trust fall into darkness.
I feel better today. I took a shower this morning. I hugged and cuddled W with all of my heart. I feel alert and present. But I also feel shame that I had a moment of unraveling.
You know what it was? It was like the cord that charges my iphone. It is coming apart at the point of connection and I know I need to repair it but I keep putting it off. I even got this plastic clay-like stuff that is supposed to not only repair the cord but make it even stronger. But it is just sitting on my desk. I don’t take care of my unraveling. And then I fizzle out.