Setting aside time this week to just, well, wallow in grief, was not as helpful as I had wished it to be. I was hoping for some sort of magic restorative healing to happen. If I got REALLY emotional and had a REALLY great cry and a REALLY sad couple of days I could just move on. I want to pack up these emotions that swirl around last year and put them away for good. They are of no use to me.
I am a sloppy person when it comes to emotions. Declaring myself sad and then being sad ended up being not the same. I gave myself this wide berth of space, this permission to grieve in this allocated space and time, and then I sat on my tuffet and waited for the perfect feelings to come tidily flowing out so that I could sweep them up and toss them out.
Instead I ended up being this raging asshole in spurts all week. EVERYTHING ended up being a production. Everyone pissed me off. I couldn’t sleep, I felt bloated and ill, and I had a headache from sun up to sun down. I was miserable.
I don’t know why I thought I could have this white cotton nightgown by the sea sort of scheduled depression. But looking back and trying to evaluate why I was so pissed off I think that is what I wanted. I wanted to lock myself away in a tidy and empty room and not have to deal with anything or anyone else. Pretty funny, right?
I took W to school on Wednesday morning and on my return drive home I stopped at a stop sign and watched this massive dandelion seed float by. It was so large I thought it was a small feather for a moment. It bounced on the air up and then down, up and then down, and then was out of view.
A few hours later, when I was on my way to pick up W from school Wednesday afternoon, I was at a different stop sign and saw another large dandelion seed dance by my window.
It’s been thinking about those floating seeds that has helped me do some letting go. These little wafting, floating, soaring seeds were like daytime version of a will-o’-the-wisp, only I wasn’t meant to follow them. I was just meant to let them move on.