My thoughts on National Infertility Awareness Week:
When I say “space” what I really mean is distance and time. There is now space between the ectopic and now. There is space between the miscarriage and now. They are not the first thing that I think about. There are some days where I do not think about them at all.
I was talking to a good friend earlier this week about body stuff, because WOO body stuff is what has taken up the front burner of my headspace, and she shared that it is helpful for her to love her body because of all of the things that it IS able to do. You should always have a friend who is able to do stuff like that: silver lining the crap feelings.
As for me? That just doesn’t work yet. My friend knows, she gets it. I’m actually still angry at my body. I could make a long list to show you all of the ways that my body made me mad. (Don’t worry. I won’t. But I COULD.)
There is now some space between my furious and my sad. I look back on my losses of last year and view them as awards I never won. Oh sure, I was nominated. And wasn’t it an honor to be nominated?! But my name was not called.
You know what else is helping with baby limbo land? My fat. A few months ago I was a wallowing mess because OMG if only I had money!! If I had money then I would just run on out to the fertility clinic and try that one last try immediately. And I was so mournful because I did not have money.
When I realized how out of shape the ectopic, miscarriage, and depression had made me I got yanked back into a serious reality. The truth is: if I won the lottery today I would not call the clinic. Nope.
I have some work to do. I need to release this weight and get my energy back. I need to be healthy and give my final frozen embryo transfer an actual fighting chance. Knowing this – that I am driving the timeline- is a HUGE motivator.
Since I started covering entertainment news at Babble I have written over 8 celebrity baby stories. These stories span from surprise twin announcements to pregnancy announcements to birth announcements. The first weeks at Babble I didn’t really “go there” with my stories. I managed to stick to music and tv and movies and OMG CELEBRITY BABIES!!!!
It just happened. I had no idea there would be healing in the writing. I find a way to be soft with a story or even talk about infertility elements. I also try to talk about stuff OTHER THAN babies in the articles because I remember being pregnant and reading celebrity pregnancy stories and it was all one-dimensional as if the musician or actor’s career ended the moment conception happened.
Writing about good news is nice. I have my blog space to be as murky and dark and twisty as I need to be, but I also enjoy having a space that is, well, perky.
National Infertility Awareness Week
This week is NIAW or National Infertility Awareness Week. For many of us that week is EVERY week. This might be a tough week for you or some of your friends who have experienced loss or had long or complicated journeys of trying to become parents.
We are all on different paths. I nod to you as we meet at whatever intersecting point we find ourselves on.
Image Credit: George Eastman House Collection