This is common, right? The more I work out and sweat and change the way I eat, the more weird and complicated emotions are just going to bubble up to the surface. Right?
Yesterday I took W and Mom to get their hair cut and, as is often the case at a hair salon, there were a million (give or take) mirrors in the place. I couldn’t look up. I just couldn’t stand the sight of myself. All I see is this giant circle person. All I keep thinking is what must people think when they see me. Round. Round. Round.
It feels hopeless you guys. Utterly hopeless that I will ever be able to make this circle into something healthier. I am ok if it becomes an oval if it is an oval with lower blood pressure.
With the weather getting warmer (ugh) the other realization that is front and center is that I have fuck all to wear. For some reason I just got big and stopped buying clothes. I mean that makes sense. There was some bit of logic to it. If I didn’t buy any clothes for the bigger me I would eventually get smaller and be able to wear the clothes currently living in my dresser. But the shirts that I wore last spring are uncomfortably snug. They make me so aware of myself. They make me want to hide and quit and sob.
I know this is all just the emotional crap coming to the surface. The shame. The embarrassment that I have let myself fall apart. Depression sat on me for months and it changed me. I am trying to climb out of it. It’s a battle. The self loathing is easy. It is honestly the easiest thing I do.
I guess I just need to buy some new shirts and keep moving.