I can tell it is Spring not because of the weather but because of the desire for change. The weather is actually this fantastic cool and crisp situation that brought a bit of snow to the Philly ‘burbs this morning. While it still isn’t an actual and proper snow storm, it is lovely.
I am probably the only person in Philly that doesn’t mind the slush. It’s a beautiful picture moment that safely dissolves into rain. I have accepted that a big “build a snowman” day will not be happening – so I am embracing pockets of lingering Winter where I can.
The reason I know that it is Spring really is because we are growing uneasy in our current home. It feels weird to say that we need more space, but we really do need more space.
The idea of finding a new place to move and then affording such an endeavor feels overwhelming. Last week when my quarterly payment to keep my remaining embryos on ice was processed it hit me: I can either save up for another try or I can save up to move. It just isn’t possible to do both.
There are ticking clocks on both desires. The obvious clock being a biological one. I am 37. Every month I wait to try (and I am waiting only because I can not afford to try right now, not because I don’t want to run into the clinic RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT) I am becoming more and more advanced maternal age.
There is also the issue that I can only try one more time. So I really just want to jump in and, for lack of a better expression, get it over with. The odds of my becoming pregnant are so so, but the odds of my maintaining a pregnancy are pretty slim. I have been pregnant four times and only one of those times did a take home baby happen.
I would love to have this final try and then accept the outcome. Would I really love to have two children? Yes. So very much. Would I be ok if I am a parent to an only child? Hell yes. I am lucky.
The other ticking clock is W’s school. It feels weird to be looking at saving up for a hypothetical child vs a child that is here. Very soon the angst over where he will go to kindergarten will be HUGE. I am seriously pro public schools but only if the public school is properly funded. I currently live in a neighborhood where public schools are not the priority and most families I know here send their child to private school.
I spend daydreaming time gazing at houses online. How lovely it would be to have a home with TWO toilets! How amazing it would be to have some space. How fantastic would it be if W could hop on a bus and go to a great school! How sweet would it be if Mom’s commute to work was shorter!
Of course we are renters now and even though Mother and I both work exhausting hours we are still a paycheck to paycheck family. Saving up to move and rent another home (which would mean three months rent upfront) seems impossible. Buying a home seems even more impossible. I mean it was just over two years ago that we were depending on the kindness of dear friends for a roof over our head. We have come SO FAR since then and the desire is to just keep growing and doing well.
I honestly feel immobile about what next. Every choice to make involves money or the not having of it. And yet I am so thankful for what we have. So it feels greedy and obnoxious to want more.
Pictured is a total dream house in a blanket of snow this morning.