I could start by telling you about how I showed up at the wrong hospital for my D&E yesterday.
I could tell you how the woman in pre registration made me cry simply by saying,
“you aren’t having anything done, sweetie.”
I could tell you how I cried for the entire drive from the wrong hospital to the correct hospital.
I could tell you how hard it was to answer the, “and what are you here for” question.
I could tell you how kind the anesthesiologist was, how gentle the OB was, how I gasped when I realized I had to be wheeled down to the labor and delivery floor for the procedure.
I could tell you about the echo of newborn babies that I heard as I squeezed my eyes tight.

But what I really need to tell you is: it’s over.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days. It was harder than the shocking day when I first heard the news that there was no longer a heartbeat. It was harder than the days I spent trying to sort through the medical crap.

I am sad. I hurt in weird places. I feel empty. I am trying so hard to keep the bitterness away.

Do you even realize how many tv shows have plot-lines with pregnancies in them right now? Oh and alllll the headline news about a certain royal’s pregnancy.

All I see in the world is siblings. It’s ridiculous and skewed. But very much like the years I spent trying to create W – everywhere I go: BABIES!!

I think this is just how brains work. Eventually my brain will catch up. It has too.

As 2012 winds down my goal is to spend lots of quality time with my Mom and W. This has been a year of a lot of sadness for me, but I know good stuff happened too. I will be working on focusing on that.

Some day I may write more about what the D&E was like. I think I need to have a lot more space to process first.

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