The appointment on friday was, just that, an appointment. On the way to the doctor’s office I got a call from the hospital about “pre admission testing for my surgery on monday”. So I had a sort of a heads up that there were going to be a few more days to get through.

The staff and the OB were incredibly kind. It’s sad, because I would have enjoyed being at this practice.

I went to an exam room with a nurse that explained that she was an IVF veteran and we went through her usual “new patient” questions. They then took Mother and I to the doctor’s office so he could talk to me. He explained what would happen on monday, explained the risks, explained that I should have no problems getting pregnant again (which was really hard to hear).

When he finished he asked if we had any questions. There was some silence and then I asked if I could have an ultrasound. To be sure.

So here is where I confess, which probably will not come as a surprise to many of you in the “been there, done that” camp – I have been in total denial. Serious denial. My nausea has gone to my head. I just had this voice, this panic of a hope, that two ultrasound techs were mistaken. Everything is FINE.

The doctor was pretty straight forward with his response to my request: He said if I wanted an ultrasound that he would order one for me. He also said, “You were a patient at one of the top fertility clinics where not one but two people confirmed that there was no heartbeat.”

Hearing that made it real.

Later when he performed a quick internal exam he also told me that my uterus had not grown. That made it real too.

So. I guess this is really happening. Or that it happened.

It has been so hard to have this week to process it all, but now that I am nearly at the end of this I think I kind of needed it. I needed to have time.

Early monday morning Mom will drop me off at the hospital for my pre admission stuff and after she drops W off at school she will join me. My surgery will be mid morning. And just like that the book ends.

I can not thank you enough for helping me through this week. I have not been tidy with my emotions. I have been terrified of people looking at me. The other day a Grandmother that brings her son to W’s school told me I looked so sad and I didn’t even know what to say. Yes. I am sad.

The hardest part of all of this has been grappling with these huge feelings of failure. I am failing at parenting, failing at work projects, failing at meeting deadlines, failing at being a friend, failing at Christmas – OMG I AM FAILING CHRISTMAS SO HARD CORE. I know I have to push to get through this. I know my Mother and my friends will help me not collapse. But I am in a swirl of emotions and just barely managing to get by minute by minute.

Heads Up: There will be some scheduled posts happening within the next couple of days.

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