You guys have seen the story about Lady Gaga, right? After some (completely normal for her) weight fluctuations she was hounded by photo captions declaring her HUGE and FAT. This lead to her revealing that she has struggled for most of her life as an anorexic or bulimic. Her reveal inspired her to create a revolution. A body revolution.
I am in a body hating place right now. It’s crummy. I know that I can get up and move and feel better, but then I cave back into my feelings. I feel like an oaf. I feel like a thick tree.
A few weeks ago I had my yearly physical at my doctor’s office. It was a good appointment and we went over a lot of stuff. I said that I was frustrated about my body. He explained, in doctor speak, that my size is largely connected to what I have been through and what I battle.
The math: trying to get pregnant and then suffering through weeks and weeks of an ectopic pregnancy + thyroid disease + stopping a migraine medication that is not good for ttc = MY BODY
However how I FEEL is up to me. Sure depression can be associated with and connected to crap I have dealt with, but I also can make a choice about how I feel. I can celebrate that I am able to wake up in the morning and run after W, or I can hunker down and beat myself up.
I joined Lady Gaga’s site so that I could witness other people having epiphanies about their bodies. Reading the posts, seeing the proud images, it has put a lot of stuff into perspective. So many photos of beautiful, curvy, imperfect, scrawny, scarred, broken, stunning people.
It’s all mental.
I am writing this so that I can get some of this body hate out of my head. There is no place for it.
You have been through a lot of stuff and I am sorry that I have not appreciated you enough. You are the holder and keeper of my mind, my heart, my soul. I have been thinking some pretty horrible thoughts about you lately: wishing you were different, hating you for not being what you used to be.
I needed to have a mental shift to move past that. Thankfully that shift is happening right now. Together we are about to do something pretty amazing. If we are lucky we will get to grow another person. I promise you right now that if that doesn’t happen I will not hold you responsible. I promise you that if it does I will love you through it.
We are a work in progress.