So about this time last week I was a total sad sack. Also? I was a total stress bucket. A sack and a bucket. You can just imagine what a joy I was to be around. In trying to gain some control over schedule and establish a routine I ended up feeling even more chaotic.

With chaos comes parent guilt. You know, the “I am thinking about work right now and I really should turn off the cartoons and take my silly boy to the playground…” kind of inner conversation.

I listened a LOT to that inner voice this last week. If I had a pocket of time I was dedicating it to W. We went to the playground every day after school last week. For hours. It was splendid.

So obviously the part of my life that got pushed aside was the blog. BLOG!! I MISS YOU!!

I have now dedicated myself to keeping a more specific to do list, I am mindful about clocking in and out of work projects (that is a total love story between me and google calendar), and I am making it a priority to have some down time.

By nature I am a worker. If given a task I like to sit down and work and work and work until it is done. I get tunnel vision and energized while I am WITHIN the task. But when I pull away I am spent. Totally and completely exhausted. This is where I have to remind myself that the work will always be there. I will ALWAYS have things on the to do list. It is ridiculous for me to try to get it all done every day.

The new organizer that I got has been a big help. I am back to my system of writing everything down and when I finish the task I mark it yellow. If I did not finish the task at the end of the day I mark it pink and then add it to the next day. And then I let it go. It will be there for me tomorrow.

It was in making lists and sorting things out that I realized I don’t want to wait to have an FET. It would be one thing if it was the cost of the bulk of the cycle holding me back, but it wasn’t. It was just a couple hundred bucks. So I made some calls, did some math, talked with Mother, and decided WHAT THE FUCK.

Do it.

Funny things happen when you tell the universe, “let’s do it”. Funny like getting a period 3 days early. Funny like, wow. If I hadn’t just changed my mind and decided to make things work this month I would have been out simply because the window would have passed.

Instead I am perfectly framed in the window.

My baseline ultrasound and bloodwork is scheduled for this wednesday morning.

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