I just spent 10 minutes staring at the space on my screen where it says, “Enter title here”. I had no idea what to type. It is September 11th and everything that I am about to say will sound pedestrian. Over the radio I listened to the bagpipes play in New York this morning and I remembered the day. That Day.

Things have been a bit quiet here because I needed a pause. I had to make some changes in my life to see if that would improve things. One of the first big changes was that I decided to reduce my hours at work. I have been super stressed and had made work a priority above all else. I didn’t have proper time to just be.

I began my new hours last week. At the same time I added in some design freelance work to help replace some of the income that I will lose.

Income. Money. ugh.

In doing some budgeting and planning this weekend I don’t see how it will be possible for me to cycle for a few more months. I have not yet accepted this but the sadness of not being in control when it comes to this stuff has crept in. It is still crushing me, emotionally, that I didn’t achieve a successful pregnancy in the Spring. Focusing on trying again has been what has pulled me forward. Pulled me away from sobbing when I see updates of women that cycled in the Spring with me.

I just needed to follow the path: two cycles past the end of the ectopic and a clear HSG exam. Done! So now I should be gearing up for trying again. Except I am still paying off expenses incurred from 11+ weeks of ectopic hell. It’s disappointing.

Thankfully a new season is coming and I can find comfort in some of my favorite things: cardigans, W in chunky sweaters, boots, wearing my hair down. I’ll push through this.

There is also W. He is an emotional powerhouse. Some days are ridiculously tedious – the boundary pushing, the yelling, the physical bursts. And some days are delicious – so much laughter, so much cleverness, so much happiness. He is a masterful story-teller and I never tire of listening to him narrate our morning. “And there is a school bus that is going to the grocery store and OH NO! Watch out school bus! That garbage truck over there is coming for you!”

We both love books and in the evening after I read him something from his growing library he will take the book from me and seriously exclaim, “and now I am going to read this book to YOU, Mama.” He then tells me a different version of the story based on the images on the page.

There are other great things in my life. The online gamification course that I am taking that has reminded me how much I love to learn and try new things. I am thinking about domestic stuff like menu planning and purging of possessions that are weighing me down.

Hopefully all of this will keep me from wringing my hands with fret over not being able to (STAMPS FOOT) do what I want to do when I want to do it. I need to write more, share more, connect with you all more.

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