an ectopic pregnancy

I would have been in the 12th week of my pregnancy today.

I would have started to relax a little, feel a bit giddy and hopeful about things to come. I would have been daydreaming.

But I am not.

I am a hormonal mess. Cranky at the drop of a hat. OVER emotional about everything. Extremely prone to panic attacks. I am not glowing. I am not excited. I am not hopeful. I am not pregnant.

I am waiting to find out just how not pregnant I am. (blood work was this morning) Waiting to see if the zombryo has faded away. Waiting to see just how much longer I will be handcuffed to this never-ending roller coaster.

It feels like forever, right? I have dealt with this nightmare FOREVER. What’s worse is that I know that even once the hcg is reported as under 5 (which I SO hope I hear today) I am not done with this. I still have to have a diagnostic HSG. (oh and save up for it too)

My journey

April 16: My last period
May 4: I transferred two embryos
May 14: Positive (ish) pee sticks happen
May 15: Beta = 14
May 18: Beta = 54
May 21: Beta = 86
May 27 – May 28: light “period”
May 30: Beta = 400
June 2: Beta = 1020, diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy, am given a shot of methotrexate
June 8 Beta = 1400 (from a lab in California)
June 9 Beta = 900 (from an ER in California)
June 11 Beta = 1114, have ultrasound that confirms ectopic by default (aka nothing in uterus)
June 14 Beta = 1230, am given a shot of methotrexate
June 18 Beta = 900, told drop is good
June 26 Beta = 115, told drop if great
July 1: HEAVY “period”
July 5 Beta = ?

Not 11 weeks pregnant. It’s been 11 weeks of madness.

I know that once I am no longer paper pregnant that I will hit a darkness that I can’t yet name. I know it’s coming. I can’t go through something this awful without the crash. And then after the crash there will be the mending and the picking up of the pieces. There will be the mourning (AGAIN) and the bitter modes, and the jealousy, and the feelings of low self-worth. There will be reminders daily of what did not happen.

And then I will pack up my hope and put it back on the shelf and begin saving, and saving, and saving, and saving so that I can (someday) try on the hope again.

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