I keep finding myself having these big emotions for small things. Then I chastise myself with “WHY am I crying over nothing”? It seems ridiculous to think that every avenue of thought could be tangled up in the complicated emotions of an ectopic* pregnancy and yet? It is all connected right now.
This cycle was a massive failure. Therefore I am a massive failure. I have been incredibly hard on myself in every way. I feel heavy. I feel dumb. I feel ugly. I feel alone. I feel unworthy. I feel it ALL because for whatever reason this embryo didn’t find me a worthy host. It isn’t rational but it’s where my head is.
There is relief in today’s blood work. The nurse that has taken over my case (we like her because she is direct and kind) called to say, “You are the only person I would call and say this to – but congratulations your beta has taken a nosedive!” It is really good news for me as it means that finally (FINALLY) these extra hormones are on their way out and I can start to feel less, well, pregnant.
Feeling pregnant while knowing you most certainly are NOT is pretty horrible.
This weekend I encountered a nice woman that was overwhelmed by nausea. She had her head in her hands and was slouched over. I pulled out a watermelon vitamin C drop and gave it to her suggesting it might help. Except I knew it would help because that was the very thing I was using to deal with my own naseua. She explained to me with a shy smile, “It’s this darn morning sickness. I just found out I am pregnant.”
Yes. You are pregnant. You have morning sickness. I am not pregnant. I have “side effects of increased hcg”.
I have no idea how long the rest of the unraveling will last and I am unclear about what happens after I get to below 5 (officially unpregnant). I just know I am ready to let go of the hold these weird emotions have had on me. I want to feel worthy again.
* my computer wants to turn “ectopic” into “octopi”.
* will have photos from Type-A conference up tomorrow