mother and child black and white vintage photoHere is where I just put it all out there – I am in total denial that anything out of the ordinary happened from April 16th through today. Did I go through an FET cycle? Did I get pregnant? How about I just turn on the fog machine and I can pretend like it never happened. If I make things invisible then I don’t have to react.

I felt pregnant for exactly 48 hours. I was incredibly nauseous, more than I ever was for my other two pregnancies. I actually went into my beta test last monday with certainty that I was going to be on the receiving end of a giant number. I was smug and ready to be one of those stories.

When I found out that the beta didn’t even double I literally unplugged myself from the situation and left the stage. I stopped all meds and willed my period to just start. I just want to bleed through this and put it behind me. I want to start thinking about saving up to try again. Maybe I should really do acupuncture. Maybe it didn’t work this time because I didn’t do enough of that. Maybe it didn’t work because {insert a million things that have bounced around in my head}.

See how messy it is in my head? See why I have just been putting one foot in front of the other? I know that some of you are waiting for me to write about this experience and I get that. I took you on a journey with all of the details and then when I got to a destination, not one that I expected, I ditched you. Really I have just been hoping that you will abide with me. If I stop coming to the blog and pushing my fingers to click on letters on my keyboard then I will totally retreat into the dark corners of my mind. That is not good for me. At all.

Someday, and probably soon, I am going to be faced with the significant failure of this cycle. Waiting to bleed is not a fun place to be. I can’t shut the door on the world like I did last time. In early 2008 I could hibernate through the grief. Now I have a super active and wonderful toddler that is very Lloyd Dobler in that he needs to see me at all times. (no complaints) I also have a job that requires 100% of my brain energy. (also a good thing)

But I am craving some quiet where no one needs me and I can just be. Floating. To acknowledge. To grieve. To let go.

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