original art by guest blogger“Why doesn’t she just get a job?” “I’ve seen her at Whole Foods, she can obviously afford to buy her food.” “All she does is hang out with her kids and play, she’s not even trying to make money.”

These are thoughts I’ve had about other women receiving financial assistance from the government. Since I have judged harshly people receiving food stamps, I know for sure some people will judge me harshly. The truth is, I am in a position to receive food stamps because of the decisions I made up until this point. I made a lot of mistakes over the years.

Being on food stamps lends itself to keeping secrets. I own a business. If I talk about being so poor I need to be on food stamps, I risk a negative impact on my business. That grantwinners.net hasn’t provided me with the income to be financially comfortable means potential new clients will doubt I’m worth hiring. A consultant who is struggling to make ends meet—no matter how unfair or wrong this is—is perceived by most as lower quality, less valuable, less worthy.

So, it’s a risk to tell you I’m not making enough money through grantwinners.net to pay my bills. There are many reasons for that, but the most significant is limited flexibility and time. My priority has been keeping my children’s lives as stable as possible (being with them), so I haven’t made the time to nurture professional relationships, or, to follow up on the many requests for more information I’ve received over the last few years. The end result is I haven’t had enough work.

The struggle to be a freelance consultant aside, I think it’s accurate to say I have never made enough money to live on. Since college (class of ’91), I lived on credit cards, balance transfers, cash advances, several big bailouts from my parents, sporadic freelance income, and my former husband’s regular income. The shame I have felt about using government assistance is because, as I said, it’s my mistakes and poor judgment that brought me here. I need assistance because I screwed around and up for 20+ years. I’m not suggesting I was only irresponsible, but, regarding financial decisions I was foolish and clueless.

I have felt deep shame about declaring bankruptcy and receiving food stamps. Despite this, I’m investigating even more assistance options now, as I learned two relatively major clients are reorganizing and won’t need my help anymore. It’s a scary place. Knowing the nasty thoughts I had about people I knew peripherally being on assistance combined with a deep knowledge that “I did this to myself” has made it humiliating to talk about my real financial situation in any public venue.

However, as the woman who asked the final questions during my food stamps application review said (as I apologetically promised this would be temporary), “This is what it’s here for.”

Pretending I’m not as poor as I am is doing no one any good. It’s been making me feel dishonest and inauthentic. Shame is a feeling I refuse to live with.

As of January 2012, my daughters and I live in a safe, clean apartment in a great Portland location. My former husband and his partner/girlfriend live in the West End, only 5 minutes away (rather than a nearly 2 hour commute to be sure he stayed involved in our daughters’ lives). My billable work is not bringing in what I need it to, but, I have no debt and am living with a new awareness of the costs of living. The real costs of living. My girls and I have a new and sturdy foundation. I’m learning how to find significant cost savings (a friend who knows the social services systems has been a life saver) and to realize that a “big balance” in my bank account one day doesn’t mean anything because the numbers show I’m still not bringing in enough to pay all the bills. (This is despite my former husband being more than generous in his support of his daughters and their mother.)

When I went to the market last week and didn’t have to pay a penny for the food I purchased, I suddenly realized I want to not feel shame anymore. Using my EBT card (food stamps) makes me feel like I’ve won the lottery. It feels like this is a real chance I have to start over. Clear the slate and start fresh. Barring dental emergencies or my car breaking down (we’ll cope with the broken air conditioning this summer) in the very near future, we are starting to build our lives into a financially stable one. I can envision, for the first time in my life, the day when I will have savings. I plan to never take on debt again; it doesn’t work for me.

In writing this post, I know I’m discussing something people frequently find too personal for public discussions (money). But, I know I’m not the only one who has felt ashamed of being “cared for” by the government when it’s my own screw-ups, for the most part, that got me here. I’m almost to the point already, since last week at the market, that my shame is turning into gratitude. The fear that economic insecurity brings can be brutally overwhelming and paralyzing. But, gratitude for new beginnings and beautiful present moments is also a powerful force against the darkness of fear.

I will make good financial decisions today. Instead of “putting aside my pride” and applying for scholarships or more government assistance, I will recognize my real need and apply for those cost reductions and credits and money from a position of emotional strength. I will continue feeling grateful for the support I am receiving. I will not live in shame.

Talking about this with other people is how I will stop feeling ashamed and stay active in changing our lives, so, if you have any questions for me, please feel free to comment here or email me at heather at serenebabe dot net.

times like theseAbout the guest blogger: Heather Denkmire is a writer, a mother, and an artist. She helps non-profits raise money through grants with her business, grantwinners.net. She lives in Portland with her two young daughters. Read her blog at Serenebabe.net and follow her on Twitter at @serenebabe. She has a kickstarter campaign that ends June 1.

{Dresden’s note: This post was originally shared on the author’s site on May 17, 2012. I asked and was granted permission to share it here within the In Times Like These series.}

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s