There is a scene in one of my favorite movies, The Thing Called Love, where River Phoenix and Samantha Mathis stand on top of a building in Nashville and yell out into the city, “Look out Music City cause here I am and I ain’t never leaving!” It’s one of those great moments where the characters scream back at the wind of fear and uncertainty and essentially tell doubt to go fuck itself.
I love the scene.
And wow do I miss River Phoenix.
I bring this up because on the way to the clinic this morning, on the awful monsoon weathered and traffic cluster-jam I started yelling. Crying and yelling. Because if you can’t cry and yell in the middle of a rainstorm on the NJ Turnpike where CAN you do it? I started screaming that IT IS GOING TO BE OK. I started yelling out all kinds of crap. I don’t know if it connects to the magical mystery tour that may or may not be happening inside of me – but it suddenly struck me that maybe I hadn’t been vocal enough about just how BADLY I want this to happen. How hugely I am ready for it.
What you don’t know (unless you follow me on twitter) is that I got a negative digital test this morning. I was so totally (TOTALLY) certain that it would be obnoxiously positive and therefore give me beta confidence. Instead the opposite happened. Seeing the words “not pregnant” made me go numb.
Of course I can blather on to my brain about how it is still kinda sorta a little bit early for the big guns of a digital test. I mean I am only 11dp3dt today. I can talk myself in circles about math and darkening lines and TRY to do some sort of self soothe. But that really doesn’t work when digitals come into the picture.
Ugh. I am now convinced that IF there is something that it is either on the way out or not going to stay around.
So you can imagine how hilarious I looked in the car SCREAMING and YELLING and fist punching the steering wheel this morning proclaiming, “THIS BETA IS GOING TO BE A ROCK STAR!!!!!!! THIS BETA IS GOING TO BE ONE MILLLLLLLION!!! THIS IS GOING TO FUCKING WORK!!!!!!!”
This is hard.
I’ll update when there is something to share. I’m not capable of doing this by myself.