It’s started in an overwhelming, all- consuming kind of way. My brain has clicked into a gear that makes no sense. None. The amusing thing is that I know WHY my brain is behaving this way. You see when you don’t have control over parts of your life you start looking for rationality in pockets of random.
And because you don’t rent an apartment in my brain I am going to guess that made zero sense to you. Here, allow me to explain what my mind has started to do:
“If I can make W’s lunch before my coffee finishes brewing then I will get pregnant.”
“If there is litter in front of the house then I won’t get pregnant.”
“If the cat jumps on the sofa before the end of this commercial break then I will get pregnant.”
“If my cell phone battery has more than 80% then I won’t get pregnant.”
Because OBVIOUSLY that is how it works, right??
Yesterday I knew I had a serious problem when I found myself leaving the coffee shop and heading towards my car with this thought in my brain, “the number on my meter will be the number of my beta!”
So when the meter showed that I had 24 minutes left I cried.
HOLY CANNOLI, people. I cried. Over a meter.
According to math stuff: The conditional probability of an event B is the probability that the event will occur given the knowledge that an event A has already occurred.
I am trying, with all of my logic needing might, to make there be a connection between random moments in the world and my uterus. I am trying to find comfort in this perversion but in fact it is really upsetting. And I think I am doing it on purpose as a way of preparing myself.
The pendulum of my emotions about this FET have been fantastically swung in the positive zone for a while and now things are swinging back towards the doomsday fear. Of course it won’t work. Why on EARTH should I expect things to work?? Oh, right…because I had an even number of e-mails in my in-box this morning.
I have PMS. I have a monster truck pimple on my chin. The countdown to calling the clinic is ticking. I am in the spiral.