lady bugThis morning on the way to an acupuncture appointment I heard the Beatles on the radio:

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

I smiled. This was the song I hummed to myself when I found out that I was going to have a son. Homophones are fun. Knowing that I was going to be someone’s Mother truly felt like a block of ice was melting around my heart.

It has been exactly 3 years, 7 months, 19 days since my last frozen embryo transfer. I am now getting ready to do it again.

I have been incredibly quiet about the process because I am not allowing myself to wallow in fear and doubt the way I did three years ago*. It is either going to work or not work. I have decided that it will work. And now that I have decided that I am going to be excited. And hopeful. And probably a wee bit obnoxious.

So far preparing for this FET has just been crossing things off a list:
• save, save, save.
• get all but one prescription from clinic filled.
• remind clinic that I am allergic to a specific kind of antibiotic.
• get new prescription.
• begin weekly acupuncture appointments.
• keep schedule clear for that week in pink in March.
• wait.

{* So I lied. I am afraid. Continue reading…}

I feel so removed from the process right now and I know a large part of that is my own self-preservation. You see I am so terrified of problems. I am so freaked out that it will be hell again. I am so worried that it won’t happen and that this space in my heart will remain empty.

There is also the underbelly emotions of being a person on the flip side of fertility treatments. I already HAVE a baby. Am I being greedy to want to increase my family? So many families don’t get the wonderful joy that I know and here I am trying to expand it. How gluttonous of me.

This is why I actively shush my inner dialogue because it. is. exhausting.

One foot in front of the other, people. One day ends and the next begins and then soon I will be at the day of transfer and it will be time to move on and get going. {Thank goodness I have my acupuncture seeds in my ear now to calm me down…}

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