I’m still in this sort of frenzied spiral of work mode right now. However I realized one of the reasons why things are SO hectic. I lost my ability to say no. To be more specific – I was afraid to say no to an opportunity of work because what if I turned it down? Then what if I never had another opportunity again? I couldn’t ease up and start to say no until I learned how to say, “may I start this in two weeks?” If I could count on projects, line them up, see them in my schedule, then I could feel ok about turning something away.

I still live in fear that at any moment the bottom could fall again. It is not a front of the brain fear, but it is what I would call a motivating fear- a yeasty kind of fear that grows bubbly and frothy when the sugar of doubt and negativity creeps in.

I want to be self-sufficient. I want to save for college. I want to wake up and not fret about the next job. It will come. Of course it will – because I am going to MAKE it happen.

Obviously I am trying to pep myself up for BlogHer. I have that sort of vomit excitement about the trip. I can’t wait to see friends and meet people that I have been dying to meet and attend some really cool sounding panels and of course the parties sound fun… but, oh, hello random social anxiety that pops up.

You guys do realize that extroverted people can be shy and nervous, right? I always am met with such, “no way! Not YOU!” reactions when I confess that I am goopy, gloppy, jello about meeting new people. I fake the first 2 minutes. Usually in my head I am worried that you think I am stupid, fat, weird, sweaty, loud, or offensive. So those 2 minutes are me watching your face for visual cues that you are trying to flee the scene.

{and I also fret, after meeting new people, for at least 24-48 hours, about whether or not “I did ok” in meeting them. I am downright annoying to be around because I will ask every ten minutes, “So you don’t think they thought I was weird, right?”}

Thank goodness I have decided to make it a rule to always have Briar with me at BlogHer. Briar is one of my first interweb friends and one of the few people that knows the Rube Goldberg mechanics of my anxieties. This year is especially awesome because the post that I forced her to write (it’s true, no one else could have written it) is being honored as a Voice of the Year post in perspectives and I am so proud that her fantastic writing is getting some celebrating. (oh & make sure you check your feed for Briar’s blog. I also made her move her blog to wordpress so she has a new feed. She doesn’t usually allow me to be so bossy. It’s a total fluke.)

••••••••••

I’m smiling right now just having a moment remembering supper tonight. It’s where the title of this post comes from. I served peas with supper and while usually W loves to eat them tonight he was not touching a thing. We are doing the two bites of everything before you may be excused policy for meal time (doesn’t always work – but I try). It was just down to the eating of the peas tonight and W was not going to budge. He brought one pea slowly to his mouth and was about to spit it out. Just before he had made up his mind about the pea I shouted, “WOO HOOO!!! PEAS!!!!” and clapped like he had just been called down to play plinko. Mother joined in clapping and cheering and we might a right spectacle out of the consumption of one pea.

He was stunned. Truly stunned. Then he smiled and said, “more?” To which we obviously answered, “eat more peas”. Which is why it took nearly 10 minutes for him to eat each pea one by one and I am now hoarse from cheering.

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