I’m not trying to brag or anything but I have become a bit of an expert on speeding through apartment listings on Craig’s list. I imagine most of you that have searched for a home in this method quickly morphed into a power searcher learning what listings were repeats, what listings were total scams (Really? A 4 bedroom for $200 a month? I don’t think so.) and what listings would totally not work for your family.
If I was searching for a place just for me the search would be easier, but with W I look at every listing within our super modest price range and imagine how he would manage there. Homes with “one of a kind”, “all original”, “restored with all the love in the world” language appeal to me, but they do not appeal to the me that is now the mother of a very curious toddler. W is not chewing the walls or anything, but these are the kinds of homes that don’t exactly welcome a child into it’s original chestnut bosom and for that reason I don’t even let the cursor of my mouse hover over the listing. (that’s a lie, I do gaze at built-in bookshelves because how can you not??)
I also click away swiftly from listings that feature balconies. One balcony I might consider, maybe. But balconies plural? Not a chance. Too many sad cover stories are in my head to make these places a consideration.
Places with whirlpool baths are rarely popping up in my price range, but it happens. And I laugh and click away. More than one bathroom and hells YES I would love a fancy bath situation. But a jetted tub as the only tub worries me. Go ahead, mock me.
I flinch if I see metal spiral staircases, loft bedrooms, no parking, more than 3 stories of a walk up to the front door (I can hear my New York friends laughing.) But honestly I feel like I am looking for something so simple that I am allowed to have some things on my no-no list. All I need (different from want) is two bedrooms, a bathroom with a tub in a safe neighborhood.
That being said I do need to vent a tad more about the photographs that accompany the listings, specifically the photographs of the bathrooms, more specifically the photographs of the toilet. Oh my good fucking goodness, people! THE TOILET! Can you believe that 95% of the photographs of a bathroom feature a toilet that doesn’t have the lid down?
I mean is it so hard to put the lid down and then take a snap? I know property managers are probably in a rush and not thinking clearly, but if there is time to vacuum a zig-zag pattern in the bedroom carpets then surely there is a scosh of time to flick a lid down. It just looks better, cleaner, more tidy. It helps the ladies visualize themselves there. Trust me.
I now present you with a collection of commodes from just this morning’s browsing. So imagine how many of these open porcelain mouths I see a day.