Yesterday.

She would have been 89.

And while rationally I know that if she was still alive it would have been oh so painful for all of us, oh so complicated and sad, but I am missing her. And on the important days the missing her wafts in and wafts out. You know it almost feels like nothing else in the entire world should or could happen on August 12th. It can only be Grandmother’s birthday.

But this is the first one that I have ever known where she was not here.

Are birthdays celebrated in heaven? Did my Grandfather pour her a little glass of sweet German wine? Did they take a moment to peek in our life down here to see if we were celebrating too? Were they shocked by what they saw?

The other day the New York Times published an article about a recent study that reveals that a spinal-fluid test can accurately predict Alzheimer’s. Of course I don’t have to tell you that all of the air left my body when I read the headline. Immediately I wondered how I could get such a test. Wondered if any spinal fluid of mine was hanging around from any of my many lumbar punctures from a few years ago…

There is no doubt that if I was able to have this test done (& by able I mean afford) that I would have it done today. I honestly can not imagine anyone that knows Alzheimer’s first-hand wouldn’t want to know. I know that there isn’t a cure (yet) but there are treatments and plans and steps that can be investigated.

Oh the things we went through. The things that I never want to put W or his children through…

I keep wondering when the bad day memories will fade away and the best day memories will rise to the top of my mind. I’m not there yet. It takes me a good ten minutes. I’ll see something, read something, over-hear something and like a flash I am back at her bedside at the nursing home or helping her shuffle down the hall in the home we lived in in Florida. And after living in the moment of sad I can usually find a specific moment of amazing- a specific moment of lucidity. Her knowing W’s name. Her holding W’s feet.

It’s complicated, this missing someone and yet not wishing them back.

Before I left for BlogHer one of the posts I wrote a few years ago about caregiving for Grandmother was reshared in this space as part of  sponsored content. I’m bringing it up again because the campaign is almost over and if you wanted to nominate a special caregiver in your life the clock is ticking…

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