You must forgive my tangential mind as I walk you through this. The title of this post is, of course, a delicate nod towards the always lovely Emily Dickinson. And she is on my mind because as I was trying to figure out a way to explain the specific flavor of “oh shit!” that we are in I typed something out that began to sound like it could be sung to the tune of the Yellow Rose of Texas.
Which of course made me think of the groovy fact that every single Emily Dickinson poem can be sung to that tune. And then it made me think of:
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you — Nobody — Too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
SO then of course it becomes the time to just come out and say what the damn thing is that began the tangent meander in the first place. Unemployment benefits are done. Totally done.
And here is where the Yellow Rose of Texas singalong comes into play: “because benefits did not end in may, they will end today”.
[they actually ended a week ago]
I’m sorry for the cryptic nature of yesterday’s post but I was in tears for 89% of the day and I wanted to write more, didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to put something out there as a problem for people to feel like they needed to solve, but also didn’t want to not acknowledge that HOLY FUCKING SHIT things are beyond scary for us right now.
And on top of all of this- there is this little conference happening in NYC in a week. It feels so weird to be thinking of and planning for such a trip. So out of body. But the ticket has been purchased, childcare arrangements have been made, I have a fun way of getting into the city, I have great friends to stay with, great friends to see, wonderful things to learn, new experiences to have…
But how do you walk around and be present in that kind of experience when this kind of heavy, heavy, heavy shit is going on?? How do I push through? And I think I need to. I think I must. There will be plenty of time for the freak out.
Really I am just crushed that we have traveled down this life path, that we NEVER expected to be on, and certainly never expected to be on for this long, and now suddenly there is no more road under our feet. There is no more path and no arrow pointing us a way to go.
So I’m going to try and press forward and keep the outside me in tact, but inside I am raw. Prayers and good thoughts are always welcome. But I will say that criticisms and jabs are not. I just don’t have the strength or energy to have that in my safe place. If you are just dying to tell me how I have done something I get it. I tell myself often that I suck. But right now I am trying to keep things from getting even worse.
If you can honestly look at my life and the situation that my family has found itself in and not abide with me in this moment of extreme darkness then I am going to politely ask you to find another blog to visit. Seriously.
(obviously this does not apply to 99.8% of you amazing, thoughtful, kind, generous, lovely, understanding friends and readers- but there are some assholes out there and for them I have nothing.)
We have had our share of a number of the main dishes of the greatest life stress menu this past year and we are just doing the best we can. It’s all anyone can do.