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Mothertalk Review: More Than it Hurts You

Mother Talk Review, Uncategorized 10 Responses »

Jun 272008

One of my favorite modern art developments is the photo-mosaic. Much like the neo-Impressionist created pointillist process, photo-mosaic is a technique that renders a work of art into many smaller works of art. It actually can be viewed in different ways depending on where you stand. Up close you see either a dot or, in a photo-mosaic, a photograph. The photo could be placed next to something that has no obvious relation to it. A vacation photo next to an old photo of your childhood pet. Next to each other they don’t seem to work as something that you could imagine as a cohesive work of art. And then you step back a bit and gasp. Stepped back you don’t see individual images, but rather one singular image comprised of the smaller ones. Suddenly it is something else entirely. Suddenly it all makes sense.

more than it hurts you

Darin Strauss’s latest book, More Than it Hurts You, is an outstanding novel that reads like what I imagine looking at a photo-mosaic feels like: characters that seem out of place up-close, but when you turn the page you step back and are blown away by the big picture.

The novel begins with Josh Goldin a popular everyman type at the top of his game. Successful in his career, his marriage, and his self-esteem, Josh is the cool guy in your carpool, the fun neighbor down the street. He brings you into his world simply and honestly and immediately you feel like this is the guy you would have voted best all around on class day.

Josh is a smooth operator at chit chat in his office’s break room and relaxed in a way that only the truly popular can achieve. And then his secretary runs into the break room with the news that Zack, Josh’s son, is in the emergency room. His eight month old son.

At the hospital we meet Dori, Josh’s wife. An expert at all things with the temperament to back it up, Dori is clearly the driving force behind many things, including her marriage. We quickly find out that Zack has been brought in to the hospital after he threw up and Dori noticed that there was blood in the vomit. By the time Dori had reached the hospital with Zach he had coded.

Dori, a phlebotomist, indicates that she believes that the hospital has been negligent with the care and testing of baby Zach. However we soon discover that it is the hospital staff that is suspicious of Dori.

One of the most engaging and fascinating characters of this novel is Dr. Darlene Stokes. To give you an example of how Darin Strauss achieves this photo-mosaic effect with his writing this is the character to study. We are briefly introduced to Dr. Stokes early on in the original hospital scenes, the lengthy and riveting prologue of the novel. Part I then begins in an unfamiliar world, the back of a prison release bus. We are brought into the world of a just released prisoner, Intelligent Muhammad.

It feels jarring at first. The switching from such a tense and climactic moment at the hospital to a dark and grungy portrait of street life. Soon it is revealed how Intelligent is connected to Dr. Darlene Stokes and almost immediately your perspective begins to shift. We then go in depth into the childhood and life of Darlene. It is a submersion that is so powerful that you might find yourself actually feeling like you are inside Darlene’s head. When she banters with a parent hosting a play date we understand how much is left unsaid. We understand her as if we are her.

It is this kind of intense and breathtaking character immersion that makes this novel unique. It is crucial that you are connected to every player before the onion of the story can completely unfold. We are hooked into Josh and Dori Goldin. We are hooked into Dr. Darlene Stokes. We feel ready. And then the world explodes with three words: Munchausen by proxy.

This novel just blew me away.

Everything I know about Munchausen by proxy I have learned from television or movie plots. It is always such an obvious story line on tv and usually resolves in this tidy and absolute way. What this novel presents feels like a more authentic portrayal of this syndrome. Everything feels true. It is not tidy, nor is it absolute. It is a mosaic of characters all trying to do what’s best for a baby.

Author’s Website (really awesome insight into this author)

Publisher’s Site

Amazon Link to More Than it Hurts You

Mother Talk Review: The Fertility Journal

Mother Talk Review 20 Responses »

Jun 062008

As hard candy coated as my exterior often is when it comes to guides for reproduction, I will confess to being genuinely anticipatory about getting my mitts on The Fertility Journal: A Day-by-Day Guide to getting Pregnant.

You may be surprised to note that I have been known to flip jauntily through the pages of Conceive magazine at the RE’s office and find some good kernels of information. But sometimes it could feel like the magazine was for the overly optimistic or the blatantly married or the beautifully hopeful. So I knew full well, before the book even arrived, that it most likely would not be catering to someone like me.

The book arrived and my first thought was, “oh! Nice & sturdy!” Followed by, “This will never fit in my purse.” So while the actual book is nice and firm, (something my ass only aspires to) I can’t imagine toting it around for all the Universe to see unless I concocted some uber swank book cover comprised of “I Voted” & Chiquita Banana stickers.

The Fertility Journal begins with your basic reproduction prologue. There are the familiar cartoon drawings of both the male and female reproductive doo-dads, and the gentle reminders to curb your coffee and booze intake. It assumes you know nothing about preparing your body for a pregnancy- and most people don’t. So the reminders are good for those folks. For the rest of us seeing an adorable bubble block exclaiming how NOW is the time to lose weight might be a wee bit off-setting. The prologue is also where we are informed that 8 months is the average time it takes for most women to conceive.

Here is now where I will pretend that I am NOT myself, but one of the aforementioned “most women“. Goodbye rhinestone rockabilly sunglasses and hello rose-colored Newbie shades. I am now transported back to a time and place where I have never heard of an OPK and Camilla and Charles are getting ready to tie the knot. (seems just like yesterday)

I would have been really interested in the first section of the book. The basic explanation of how an average cycle works, what exactly ovulation is, and how my body will give me clues as to when it is happening. I would have had no idea that the monthly clear liquid sludge in my underpants had any function other than occasional humorous thoughts of Ghostbusters.

The book is divided into months and each month has a theme. Month one is all about preparing yourself for conception. There is a space to jot down what medications you are taking as well as ample room for notes or questions that you might have at your “I’d like to have a baby now, please”, doctor’s check up. The journal gives you a space to keep track of what cycle day you are on and what your basal body temperature was. Then there is a block of white space with the prompt “Notes:”. I wonder what a Newbie would need to use all that space for. I imagine my Newbie journal would just be a bunch of sick doodles of baby names.

Scattered through out the section are big, bold blocks of text that say, “looking ahead to pregnancy”. In Month 1 we learn how we should have a prenatal visit as soon as we get a positive pregnancy test. I bet Newbie me would have dog eared that page and made a mental note to be prompt for her prenatal appointment.

As we move through the months learning our lessons on nutrition, bad habits, how to improve the fertility of your “baby making partner”, and preparing for parenthood (to name a few) it all becomes a bit repetitious and clunky. The prettiness starts to fade and the book feels so heavy.

Then I realize- it’s 12 months of cycles. 12. That is 141 pages of blissful optimism before we get to what I think is the best part of the journal- the “When you need a little help” section. Here there is a good bit of information on typical infertility diagnoses and recommended treatment options. I was really into the well written and easy to digest explanations when I was hit by another one of those big notes in the margin: “85% – the number of patients who can be treated successfully by a reproductive endocrinologist with simple medication or surgical repair”. Is that really something you want to look at when you reach this part of the book?

Number of assisted cycles that this journal feels you need to document: 2

fertility cycle1.png

Honestly this is the most useful section of this journal. There is plenty of room to organize your appointments or sketch out follicle sizes. Each day has a handy column to help you keep track of your medication and when to take it and how much. It is incredibly useful and simple. But I have to wonder- how good will it feel to carry around this journal with 12 months of failures proceeding it? And what happens when you try more than 12 times before moving on to medicated cycles? Or what if you do more than 2 medicated cycles?

There is a thin pocket on the back hardcover. It’s a nice gesture, but if you look at the photo above (my lovely collection of cycle notes, sperm donor profiles, and IVF paperwork) it isn’t exactly designed to be functional. It’s really a shame that they only put their finger on what we need. If only they had published a small number of these books for IF veterans to test drive first. We SO could have schooled them on what we could use.

That being said- if you have someone in your circle of friends that is just starting out. As in JUST tossed the birth control or ditched the condoms, then this would be an ideal book to endorse for them. I am envious of them! Hopefully the publishers will make a version 2.0 that is for the rest of us. There is absolutely a need for a concise, discreet, journal to keep track of all of the paperwork and notes that we collect for each cycle. I hope there is something already in the works!

QUESTION: If you could put a message in a bottle and send it back in time to be received by you during your first trying cycle what would you tell yourself?

More information about The Fertility Journal:

Publisher’s website

Conceive’s website

Amazon link

A Mother Talk Review: Choosing You

Mother Talk Review 21 Responses »

Apr 292008

There are many things in our life that are deemed as easy choices: should I turn left or should I turn right? Should I eat another cookie or go to the gym? Should I call my Mother back or would an e-mail be better? These are the choices that ultimately don’t effect the entire orb of our being (except the cookie or gym situation…)

Then there are the big whammy choices we are faced with: Should I move to Los Angeles or stay in NYC? Should I quit my job and take care of my Grandmother? Should I sever that relationship or should I let the abuse continue?

Those were some hard, soul-searching questions that I have had to make choices about. But one of the things I never thought I would have to choose was a life without a child. Somehow I always knew that I would have one, with a husband or without one. I remember putting that idea out into the universe as early as my freshman year in college.

Being raised by a single Mother and being the Granddaughter of an extremely independently minded woman basically taught me that I could do anything I damn well wanted – and if that meant having a kid on my own then so be it. I never lamented or mourned the concept of not having a husband or boyfriend to take the journey with. Not then.

Reading Alexandra Soiseth’s chronicle of her personal journey to single motherhood was eye opening. Choosing You brought up lots of issues that up until now had been tucked neatly away in a box marked, “to shrink later”. For starters I had this interesting reaction to the cover of the book that featured a stunningly beautiful baby being kissed by a stunningly beautiful woman.

I should explain for those that are unfamiliar with my own struggles, I am a woman that wants to be a single mother, but after three plus years of trying I am still sadly in the ‘wants to’ group and not so much in the ‘has one’ group. So I bring to this book a complex bag of emotions that many of you may not.

And back to the cover…where the beautiful people are lounging. My gut reaction was to immediately flip to the back of the book for the author’s bio page. Seeing the portrait of Alexandra, a kind and sincere looking woman gazing back at me was instantly comforting. Ok, so this was written by a real person. I needed to know that this book wasn’t going to be exclusively for something that I will never be.

The book begins with a sweet dedication page to the author’s daughter. I felt empowered knowing right off the bat that this was a success story. Love that. The next page (& I swear I won’t be reviewing the book page by page, work with me here) was a table of contents. Usually this is something I would totally ignore. This isn’t a reference or how to book so I didn’t need to find an applicable chapter and pass go. But for some reason I was drawn to read the chapter titles. Chapter 5: Torn between two donors goes swiftly into Chapter 6: I’m pregnant!

And then almost instantly my previous feelings of empowerment were replaced with something a bit more bitter. I hate that, but I feel I should bring it up as it happened. Before I even read the book I was judging. Bad, very bad.

The book begins with an endearing epilogue: a brief and simple insight into the thought process of Alexandra. How she always knew she was born to be a mother. And I found myself nodding my head. Yes, I thought, I get that.

We are introduced to Alexandra better in chapter one where she lets us know about her gift for creating a close knit community of friends wherever she goes. And it is also where we learn that Alexandra has some food/body/esteem issues. It is where we learn that she feels that the number on the scale is in direct proportion to the feelings of loneliness that she feels. It is also where she proposes the following to her best friend: “I want Ken to be my just-in-case guy.” Ken being her best friend’s brother and just-in-case meaning sperm donor. A few days later she is out on a deck of her friend’s vacation house and talking to Ken. It is a scene that immediately feels tense and awkward and Alexandra writes it with delicacy and tenderness.

This same delicacy is also used to describe many painful moments in Alexandra’s life from the childhood abandonment of her Mother (and eventual return) to sexual abuse she suffered at a young age from a neighbor. I begin to understand this woman more, feel her pain, her longing. I resonate completely with her body issues and happily cheer for her when she embarks on a weight loss plan and begins to make her health a priority.

The things that baffled me were the shame and guilt that always lingered when food or weight issues were addressed. It is a theme that will run through out the book, sometimes surfacing at the most unusual times. I found myself wanting to reach out to Alexandra, to call her and tell her to ease up on herself. But I instantly recognized that her behavior is something that I probably do as well. A lot can be suffocated in the tight clench of body issues.

Years pass and Alexandra is still single and frustrated. There are many awful dates and awful men detailed and it becomes so clear that there is a great divide between a woman’s need to have a child and a man’s need to be a parent. That Alexandra makes the mental switch to stop looking for a baby via the typical husband route seems so natural and obvious. The steps that she takes to evaluate the moving on to trying to become a Mother alone are healthy and done within a resilient support system of friends.

The only voices of doubt come from Alexandra’s own family. Her sister, married with children, wonders if Alexandra can handle something as difficult as child rearing on her own. “I sometimes think you don’t know how hard that would be.” Then she wonders if the need for having a child is masking something else. “Is it a baby you want? Or is it that you just don’t want to be alone?”

Reading this conversation brought up questions about my own path and conversations that I have had with friends. It reminded me of the friends that I have lost because they don’t understand why I would ever opt to have a child without a husband. It made me wonder how many of us have had to justify our choices to loved ones. How many conversations have we had where we had to defend treatment options or a road less traveled? Alexandra chooses to answer these questions with a confident silence and I admired her strength in that instance. Some things are not up for questioning, more of us should remember that.

This is not a book about infertility, and it really isn’t a book about being a single Mother. Rather it is a book about making a huge choice and following it through from the heart. Alexandra’s book is a great example of how each of us are on our own individual journey’s that travel at different speeds and sometimes end up at different destinations.

I would probably not suggest this as a book for a woman in the trenches of complex infertility. However it is a good book for any woman or friend of a woman that is contemplating becoming a Mother on her own. If you are thinking about embarking on this adventure alone I would make sure each of your friends reads this book. Then call them over and talk.

So, question for you guys: At any stage of your motherhood journey have you heard disparaging comments? Has anyone in your family or circle of friends been less than supportive or helpful? How did you work through it (if you did)?

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