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Scattergories: December edition
SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or let me know if you play on your blog. (note to those new to the game: these don’t have to be actual truths. If it helps- replace the word “you” in the questions & substitute it with “someone”.) Play on & use your imagination! Use the first letter of the answer to the first question to come up with answers for the rest.
1 )What is the name of your favorite Holiday themed song?
2) Something on your wish list
3) Something you plan on baking
4) Something you plan on giving
5) Something you plan on avoiding eating
6) Something you plan on adding to the chorus of ‘12 Days of Christmas’
7) Something you plan on returning/ re-gifting
8 ) Something you wish was stuffed into your stocking (heh)
9) Some place you wish you could travel to this month
10) Something you will decorate with
And yes, I am embracing the Month. Totally embracing. The last couple of Decembers have sucked ass for me and I am determined to hit the ground running this year with overwhelming optimism and glee. Photo Friday’s will be back (gasp!) this month with each Friday ding donged merrily on high. This week’s theme: Your earliest photo with Santa or Your earliest holiday photo.
In case you were curious…
Deciding to take an impromptu mini break from the computer was wonderful, but coming back to an e-mail inbox full of black friday and cyber monday sales was overwhelming. And sort of amusing. How on earth did I manage to get on the mailing list of Tiffany’s and Neiman Marcus?
Our four day weekend had great highs and sort of blah lows. Thursday was what we made of it. I cooked all morning. (I made a turkey breast all by myself and it didn’t blow up even though I went against packaging directions and used a marinade!) GM enjoyed her regularly scheduled lunch of mashed potatoes and key lime pie and Mother and I had a full holiday feast.
Friday GM was withdrawn and sleepy and not very aware. We let her rest and kept things mellow. Mother and I did our civic duty and shopped on-line and then continued our West Wing marathon. And may I just say that this show might be one of the best shows ever? I missed the first seasons and only started watching when they were trying to get Jimmy Smitts elected. But seeing it from episode one and all the way through (well we are as far as the 4th episode of season 2) is incredible. I totally want to be like CJ when I grow up and have a romance with Danny…
Saturday was our ultimate high point in so many ways. It actually started with me a little sad and defeated but like every modern aged gal I was instantly cheered up by the idea that I could go get a pedicure while Mother took GM to get her hair done. We all rode to the shopping center together- the hair salon is right next to a nail salon- convenient! We were early for GM’s hair appointment so Mother wheeled her into the nail place so she could watch me pick out a color for my toes.
GM was so interested and curious about this new place. It was bustling without being loud and seeing people in low stools rubbing feet was just so very unusual for her. So Mother stood up and decided that it would be pedicure day for all of us! I really wish I could have had a photo of the three of us all in a row in overstuffed massage chairs- it was just so special. GM had a man working on her feet and she absolutely purred at the attention. And then promptly fell asleep. The woman that worked on my amazon feet was such a sweetie and kept leaning over to make sure that GM was getting a good pedicure. The calf rub? The foot massage? The exfoliating mint goop? Pure heaven.
(I did manage to get an “after” photo of all of our feet but due to the blinding alabaster glow of our family clompers I am refraining from releasing it to the public. You are welcome.)
We got home and had one of those make your own sandwich lunches- Mother even got GM to eat an entire half of a pimento cheese sandwich by telling her if she ate it all that the football game would go well. GM inhaled the lunch and Mother and I both prayed that her team would kick ass.
And wouldn’t you know, thanks to the lunch eating abilities of my Grandmother Alabama beat Auburn 36-0. GM was totally involved in watching the game and so very alert and vibrant. It was an absolute perfect family Saturday.
Sunday? Well that is where things went sour. GM had lots of painful air in her tummy (We don’t say the G word as ladies do not have gas. They have “air”.) and wasn’t wanting to get out of bed. This is probably attributed to her using up so much energy the day before. It was also pouring down rain yesterday which makes getting out of bed difficult for anyone.
Mother took on most of the GM duties during the weekend and it was so nice to have a break. I am starting to have anxiety about how I will manage in a few months but every time I feel this sort of anxiety I am then filled with stupid superstition that Snork can tell and is getting his feelings hurt. I still suffer from this horrible sense of guilt about the unpregnancy- that maybe my anxiety and fears got to it and made it go away. I worry now that if I start to fret about taking care of two needy souls that the one inside me will decide to exit. And as much as I know that is stupid I can’t stop myself from fearing it.
But enough of that flavor of fear. It’s December! My favorite month out of them all. You can finally hum jingle bells and I probably won’t smack you. Lots of wonderful people have birthdays this month- my friend Jessie, my Mother, Me, sweet baby Jesus, and the brilliant Dr. Molly who actually celebrates the entire month as “The Month of Mo”. So happy month to the Sag’s & Cap’s! Sue Miller is sleeping in, but I will forecast a lovely month for us.
(FYI: Friday, December 5th is “Share your Santa Mall Photo” or “Earliest Holiday Photo With You” day.)
Today is World AIDS day. Get involved today. Everyday.
Self-inflicted Holiday
So you know how I have been sort of pre-holiday sad? I imagine many of us are. Many of us are either missing family (those we have known and those we have been trying to create) or feeling lost. I was having this sort of knee jerk annoyed reaction to Thanksgiving. If someone were to wish me a good one I would smile and nod, but in my mind I was thinking, “Really? Have YOU ever had Thanksgiving with someone with Alzheimer’s? It’s just another effing day.” Seriously- Thanksgiving had just become a Thursday.
I don’t know if it is because of a growing relaxation (oh please don’t hold that against me) about Snork or if I am in a take charge “when life gives you lemons…” kind of place, but the more I thought about not doing anything for Thanksgiving the more sad I became. And really- whether or not I do something is entirely up to me. So why don’t I give the holiday a go.
For starters I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for right now. Sure there have been some uber shitty moments this year, some totally suck the marrow out of your soul days, but as I sit in the stillness that is my family I am feeling lucky. We had some close calls. GM kicked cancer’s ass. Mother nurtured a wonderful and stable home environment for us. And somehow I made it through the depression of the unpregnancy to the awe of the Snork.
We deserve some pecan pie!
Yesterday Mother & GM had their appointments with Dr. Liver. (who also happens to be Dr. of gastro organs) He is, without a doubt, one of the top 3 doctors I have ever met. Smart, kind, inclusive and unrushed- how many doctors can claim that? He is still thinking that GM’s liver issues are autoimmune and he wants to get a scan of her esophagus to see how advanced things are. We opted not to do a liver biopsy or colonoscopy because at this point both of those things are super invasive. And honestly if she continues to do well on the meds he has put her on then we will just keep things on a monitoring basis.
Mother is to get the full works blood tests to see if she also gets the fun diagnosis of an autoimmune liver situation. I hate that Mother has so many things at odds within her body but Dr. Liver was such an awesome listener (he listens!) that I really feel like she is in the best hands.
It has been a while since we left a doctor’s office upbeat and optimistic. And since I was feeling the blessing of the moment I asked Mother if she would swap cars with me and take GM home and let me go gather up the fixings of a holiday feast. All Mother had to hear was “green beans” and the car keys were in my hand.
So our very simple, totally last minute, but inspired by hope and love, Thanksgiving meal will feature: ham from the deli (Mother doesn’t DO turkey), a tiny turkey breast for me to bake, canned cranberry goop, fresh green beans (snapped & cooked by moi), squash casserole (made by moi), yeast rolls, and a pre-made pecan pie. Of course of this GM might eat a bit of squash- so I made sure to get mashed potatoes and key lime pie for her. It’s not what Martha would do, but it is what I can do.
Now tell me about your plans!
(And how amazing is that tree porn? That is from my next door neighbor’s front yard and seeing it this morning felt like a wonderful gift.)
(Next week I’m going to want to see some Santa/holiday photos…so start digging around for those!)
Coffee Talk
I’m feeling pretty quiet today. We had a nice, mellow weekend and that was nice. But last night I had a horrible time getting comfortable and getting good sleep. By the time I saw that it was just after 5am I gave up and decided to start my day early. But really I am craving one of those old school pre holiday days.
Remember when classes were on break from university or college and you were home with nothing to do? Maybe these were the days that you caught back up with friends from high school or slept in until 2pm. But it was just that simple, peaceful lull…that is what I am craving. I want a quiet house with no chores to be done and in a couple of hours I want someone to come rouse me from my book reading or nap and let me know that lunch is on the table. An easy lunch where someone has pulled out all the best sandwich fixings from the fridge or pantry and all you need to do is dream big and assemble well.
I usually spent my holiday breaks from school at my Grandparents house. I would sleep in, then wake up and take a nice bath in the tiny guest bathtub. Freshly clean I would stroll into the kitchen where coffee was waiting in the pot and those horribly wasteful but adorable one serving boxes of cereal would be on the counter for me. A xeroxed copy of the day’s crossword puzzle would be at my place at the table and in the distance I would hear the typewriter tapping away in Grandmother’s study and probably loud waltz music from my Grandfather’s study with his perfectly timed squeaky chair accompaniment. (yes. I grew up in a family where every family member had their own study. It was delicious.)
After a leisurely breakfast I would put my dishes in the sink (they were always magically washed) and stop by GM’s study first to see if she had plans. GM was the plan maker, the list creator, the captain of the ship. She would choreograph every day with breathtaking detail. It was here that I would learn what time the next meal was scheduled or what errands I would be invited to join in on. Next I would saunter in to Grandfather’s study where he would yell, “Kiddle!” and I would pull up one of his plaid (oh yes) upholstered study chairs and he would share with me the contents of whatever project he was working on.
He was always working on a project- whether it was writing a Sunday School lesson or working on an essay. Sometimes he was judging essays for local contests or reviewing the contestants for an up and coming science fair. Or he was reading a book that someone had given him and making a list of all the factual errors. He was the most brilliant man I ever knew and yet I never felt dumb when I was with him.
Often I would spend the entire day in Grandfather’s study with him. I would return to the kitchen and prepare us two cups of coffee and we would enjoy each others company. Nobody swore as well as he did or laughed as heartily. I don’t think anyone ever understood me as well either. And as we lead up to the holiday season I am filled with a deep, deep missing of him. Of just being in the same room with him: peppermints, licorice, 4711, and the clang of his spoon in his coffee mug.
So let’s say that you and I could have a coffee talk today. What kind of coffee shall I serve you and what will we talk about?
Blackjack
Yesterday’s appointment with the surgeon went sort of well. I was blindsided by the news that he did not get all the cancer out. Basically every single bit he removed still had cancer present in the margins but the pathologist indicated that it wasn’t invasive melanoma, just the sort of melanoma that likes to pull up a bean bag and relax. So we are now to just focus on having GM heal well from surgery and if we see any more abnormal things on her arm we are to get her back in asap.
Getting GM ready for the doctor’s office was brutal. I was fine doing it on my own, but she is still so not herself that it was like dressing Tim Conway’s old man from the Carol Burnett Show. Actually if you have ever wondered about how swiftly GM moves you can just imagine those sketches and slow it down a notch.
By the time we got home she was spent and I was teetering.
I keep waiting for her to be back to the way she was just a week ago but I worry that will never happen. We dodged a bullet on insisting that she not have general anesthesia, but having a stay in the hospital has totally and completely set her back.
This is the shit that is so hard about caregiving. You give your everything to taking care of someone and then there just isn’t anything left for yourself. Thankfully there is scheduled respite this afternoon and I am looking forward to going to the cafe and finishing the end of a mystery thriller.
My inner light is just a bit dim.
One of those posts where I clarify something
On the issue of Thomas Beatie, the Pregnant Man: Just so you know, I have zero issues with Thomas or his family. In fact I think anyone in the trans community is hugely brave and amazing. That he was able to create his family is great and being a part of the alternative reproduction community I stand up and clap that he and his wife were able to achieve parenthood. The only comment I have is that I am jealous at how effing fertile he is. This has nothing to do with him but everything to do with the green eyed monster that hangs out with me. I am also jealous of the Komodo dragon that was able to impregnate herself. Also getting my jealousy: people that have sex and get pregnant.
But ya’ll knew that, right?
Also, for the record, the combination of a fiber pop-tart, chicken noodle soup, carrots and dip, cheese and crackers, and leftover pizza make for KILLER, get no sleep, heartburn filled night. Think me and zantac are going to be good friends from now on. (And no- I didn’t eat all that in one sitting- that was my food intake for all of Tuesday. Sadly I think the pizza is what has to go.) Last night as I rolled around in pain I kept imagining all that food as some sort of crazy 7 layer dip. ew.
Leaving in an hour to take GM to see the surgical oncologist to check on her arm. Today is the first day since last thursday that GM has been functioning enough to even let me get her dressed. These past couple of days have been brutal. Hopefully this will be a quick check up and we can get home swiftly and with great calm. It is also very, very cold out there and while one of us is elated (that would be ME raising her hand) the other one of us (ahem, GM) does not do well with cold at all. Wish I could plug in an electric blanket in the car for her.
Oh- and thanks for the netflix suggestions. Please don’t judge, but we just got Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and I am so so excited! Those of you that have seen Wall-E do you think GM would like it? She loved Monsters, Inc and Finding Nemo, but will she be able to relate to a robot? I think Kung-Fu Panda will be, wait for it, too violent for her. GM can’t stand to see someone hit at all so something tells me that kung-fu in any incarnation will not go over well.
And look at my sidebar over on your left. See that ad for Black Sheep Baby? This is a compnay that is run by a new friend (who is also a friend of a long time friend). They have so many cute, cute things for babies and kids. Unique designs, beautifully made. And, as noted on the website, “Our garments are 100% cotton, made in LA by American Apparel and printed in Minneapolis by Arthouse. Our BSB labels are now sewn by Project Regina, a local non-profit for immigrant women and we continue to give the proceeds from our BSB Logo clothes (and more) to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.” Check them out!
Monday is for Musing
Don’t you love how I end posts about particularly tough things with some sort of, “I need to go hide in a cave now” sentiment and then I don’t ever really go hide? I think I just need to give myself permission to hide, but at the end of the day hiding would be the worst thing ever for me. Here at Casa Calliope we are doing ok. Not great, not crappy, just ok. GM has been hurting from her surgery and her very low dose pain meds have made her sleepy and since sleep=healing I let her sleep. But I worry about who she will be when she wakes up. Yesterday I was able to get her up, robed, and out to the den to watch some of the recorded Alabama game from Saturday night. She didn’t really speak, but she understood us and she was able to eat and swallow well.
Here is a totally random list of things:
1) drinking my decaf with a good splash of peppermint mocha coffee mate is the awesome. Peppermint is probably one of my all time favorite things so starting the day with a dose of it is lovely. And to all my fellow peppermint ice cream lovers out there- check your grocer’s freezer as peppermint ice cream should be stocked!
2) Why are there no good movies coming out on DVD? My Netflix queue is so sparse that I am now getting season one of The West Wing in the mail. (which is great, but where are the new releases?) What are you guys renting these days?
3) We have a video monitor in GM’s room now. Sometimes watching her sleep is better than cable. She does this thing where she smooths the sheets out as she sleeps and it is just, well for lack of a better word, it is precious. I have also seen her point at things in her sleep, sit up and nod, and wiggle her fingers.
4) The skin on my gut is stretching and it hurts. It hurts suddenly and, well, painfully. You would think that the vast gut landscape of a fluffy gal would be plenty of room, but it appears that it is not.
5) It is going to be COLD all week. yay. One of the great things about cold is that it makes the nights less cloudy so when I take Charlie for his evening walk we can see lots of bright, bright stars. I am super star dork girl and I make wishes on every single one of them. Actually what I do is more like: locate a star and assign it with a name of a person I want to be taken care of.
6) You know what else is great about COLD? Cats that want to be in your lap. BG says hello.
7) Just realized that Thanksgiving is happening soon and had this mild panic about planning something. Then remembered that Thanksgiving is just a Thursday around here. Although I am thinking that maybe we could try a Christmas tree this year. I kind of miss that holiday- we haven’t really celebrated in years because it was too anxiety filled for GM. But maybe we can decorate the dining room- a room that GM rarely sees- and that can be like my private holiday zone.
8 ) I just got early on-set Holiday sadness. crap.
9) I told GM’s 87 year old cousin about Snork this weekend. She was so excited and had way more detailed questions than I would have expected. Thankfully she never said the word “sperm” but she did want to know how I was able to “obtain the other genetic material”. Heh.
10) Watched the Barbara Walter’s special featuring the pregnant man and found myself having issues with him. And sadly my issues are total jealousy. How is it that this man stops his hormones and gets pregnant three months later and THEN not four months after giving birth is pregnant again. I think this guy is now taking over for the Duggars as the biggest media slap in my infertility’s face.
What? Worried?
Warning: This post has stuff about going to the OB’s
You know your day is going to be interesting when your first internet search item is “plus-sized compression stockings”. I somehow managed to escape the barfing, and the nausea was way more tolerable than I expected, and the fatigue was manageable. But the pregnancy symptom that has planted its flag has done so on both of my ankles. That’s right I have edema and it looks like it might be here to stay.
The swelling sort of crept up on me. I had a little bit of it and didn’t get too terribly bothered, but then sometime last week it went all kick ass on me and porked up both ankles with retained fluid. It was so bad that by the end of the day there was an actual crease of flesh where my ankle ended and my foot began. My ankles had muffin tops.
And because I am nothing if not a girl that likes information I decided to call my lovely liaison at the OB’s office to see what tricks of the trade she could offer to deflate my cankles. Instead of getting a mellow call back I got a FRANTIC, SOUND THE ALARM call back from one of the head nurses. She asked me questions about my face and my hands and if one ankle was thicker than the other and was I dizzy and how was my vision and how soon could I get into the office because this could be SERIOUS!!!!!
Well fuck. I do great spazzing about things on my own, and now I had a nurse that was basically giving me a green light to imagine the worst. I called Mother and cried and freaked out and thankfully she was able to translate and communicate well with a spazzed out Calliope. She googled all the worse case scenarios- right down to humoring me about worrying about having to go to the hospital. Seriously- worrying is a great skill that I have.
So my morning was a ballet of appointments. BG was due at the vet at 8:30am for a check up and a haircut, and I was told to be at the OB’s at 9:00am but expect to wait as all the OB’s were on call. I got BG to the kitty clinic and raced to the OB’s and was there by 8:30. I was able to know within 10 minutes of checking in that my urine was “all clear” (I’m guessing this means all clear of giant pellets of protein), and that my blood pressure was “really good” (woo hoo!).
An hour later I was finally meeting the OB that I had chosen this particular practice for. Her husband was Dr. Liver that was so so amazing during the great hepatitis C scare of 2007. I’m talking he called the Northeast clinic on my behalf and wrote one amazing letter and I really think that contributed to the lowered rate the Northeast clinic gave me. So obviously such a cool guy had to have a cool wife who would be a cool OB.
And she was! Her best friend is my primary doctor so she knew a little about me- specifically that I took care of GM. And the cool thing is that she also grew up in a house with 3 generations AND her grandmother is also fighting Alzheimer’s. I have liked all the other OB’s but I totally jived with this one and am really glad that she lived up to my hope. Not that I think you need to have a life parallel with your doctor, but it is really comforting to meet anyone that knows what care-giving at home is like.
The bottom line is that I have fat ass ankles because I am pregnant. ta da! I was told to elevate my feet, rest or sleep on my left side when possible, and get some good compression hose. Phew. I mean seriously. And the fucked up thing was that I wasn’t that concerned about the ankles to start with- but that nurse freaked me OUT. I guess fat ankles could be an early sign to some big ticket things, but good grief she didn’t need to alarm me so much. All she had to say was, “why don’t you come in so we can see”. ok, putting that flavor of anxiety behind me now.
When I left the OB’s I called home where Mother was kindly hanging with GM until I got back. I thought maybe BG would be ready to be picked up and I could fetch her on my way home. The good news was that she was ready to be picked up, and the bad news was that she was never seen because the vet had to go to the hospital. I collected madam kitty and we rode back home in silence, she didn’t meow once.
When we got home I opened the latch on her carrier and she slowly walked out and then turned and looked at me as if to say, “what the fuck was the point of all that?” I couldn’t agree more.
Now…back to my google search. Would it be too much to hope for plaid hose?
Happy tears in my pillow.
Yesterday morning I woke up in a red state. Last night I went to bed in a blue state. I could try and explain how beautifully and perfectly happy that made me, but there are simply no words. My sesame chicken arrived around 7:30pm and Mother and I occupied our frantic minds by watching recorded episodes of Amazing Race and Jon and Kate. After each show we would stay on the news channel live looking for the latest results.
And then we did the great click-a-thon. No station was satisfying us. CNN was too chaotic and busy and poking my eye out with graphics. NBC didn’t have enough Brian Williams for me (seriously- I could watch Brian all day, every day. He & his fancy ties rock my world.) CBS had Katie. Pass. And ABC had Charlie in charge of too many random memories from his life.
Eventually our local stations went, well local. I was like a junkie in need of constant fixes. And once Obama was called I started crying and didn’t stop until I went to sleep. An hour or so after Obama was called they called Florida blue and oh fuck did I wail with glee. BLUE!
And then Obama was speaking and Oprah was crying (& if you didn’t watch all of this on C-Span you missed out. They had the BEST non-intrusive speech moments) and I was asking Mother to just hand me the box of tissues. What a day! What a time in our lives! A new era and a new feeling of hope!
Yes we did!
I know what you are doing right now.
And the reason I know this is because when I just placed my order for Chinese food delivery the sweet girl on the other end of the phone said it would be an hour to get here. An hour. If I had ordered yesterday it would have been 15 minutes. It is ALWAYS 15 minutes. But not tonight- seems that my entire neighborhood is ordering in and parking it in front of the boob tube.
We managed to avoid election coverage all day. Thank you Game Show network and back to back episodes of shows on TLC. At 2pm I had to take GM to the hospital for her admission shuffle. Nearly 2 hours to fill out paperwork, have blood drawn and review pre-surgery instructions. In GM’s case it was basically don’t eat after midnight (can’t even imagine a Gremlin GM- Spike would be running for the hills) and she is to use a special soap to bathe the night before.
Mother’s office is across the street from the hospital so she was able to meet us there to help calm GM down and keep her smiling. I also needed her to help me be firm with a nurse that needed some, shall we say “help”, in understanding that patients with Alzheimer’s need people to speak FOR them. Seriously- I get no power trip in telling you about GM’s health but if you don’t get it from me or Mother you won’t get it at all. There is no need to get huffy when we answer for her. Be chill.
Sigh.
One hour for sesame chicken..and how many more before we KNOW?
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