Hurrah! We went to the zoo! And holy heck are my legs sore from all of the uphill walking. It was a very nice day with Mother, W, and friends. Casual, mellow, why don’t we sit down and relax, kind of zoo experience. A lot of exhibits were closed for renovations and lots of active construction was going on. But if there was something to see I unbuckled W and pointed and gestured and tilted my head towards it and maybe 70% of the time he saw the animal.

I think I was looking for a bigger reaction out of him. Watching a cat bathe cracks him up so you would think that the small mammal exhibit would rock his world. But he was sort of, “meh” about things. Certainly more interested in people watching or trying to get N or V’s attention.

I guess the more he becomes aware the more he will enjoy it. I wish I could promise you amazing photos but taking pictures fell behind so that I could hold W. I’ll share what I have, but I am guessing you will be most impressed by W’s new hat trick that he has mastered.

Thank you for the really great, helpful, and encouraging comments and e-mails regarding my thyroid issues. Many of you brought up a question that I have on my list as well- how the frack does a wonky thyroid get you an increase in height. I honestly don’t know. Don’t know if they are connected or if it is the result of something else or maybe because I am single and don’t get to live in a world where push gifts happen, it’s the Universe’s way of giving me a trinket. No diamonds for me, thank you very much, but I can totally dust that ceiling fan for you.

I do know that the increase in my height was one of the reasons why a massive amount of blood work was ordered. The biggie we were looking for was evidence of excessive growth hormone. I guess I’ll find out on Friday what happened there.

Monday I had plans to haul my ass and family to the zoo. It was a beautiful day, the zoo is reachable by metro, and best of all the place is FREE! But I was smacked upside the head by exhaustion. Total body consumed exhaustion. I don’t know if it is happening more often or if I am just more aware of it, but it honestly feels like I am moving under water. The worst is waking up and still feeling exhausted.

Needless to say the zoo didn’t happen Monday. It didn’t happen yesterday either as Mother had some appointments. One of those appointments being a giant job fair in Virgina. She looked beautiful, armed herself with her beautiful resumes, and braved face through a sea of teenagers about to leap into the job market. She met with as many HR people as she could, scored a really cool bouncy ball for W from a power company, and tried to find a positive side to the day.

That’s the thing about Mom- it’s been over a year of this shit and yet she is able to face each day with abundant hope. Because one day, one day is going to be THE day that turns all of this around. One day someone is going to call her in and find out how amazing and talented and fantastic and awesome and genius she is. And then they will leap to have her on their team. And then we can get back to living life and not flinching around it.

A friend (that is affiliated with the HR world and has a great blog) interviewed Mom as part of a series. And reading Mom’s interview made me laugh and made me cry and it just made me feel so amazed that she is keeping it together as well as she is. (I’d link to it but it’s all real names and stuff. But if you are in the HR world do leave a comment or e-mail.)

While Mother braved the lines and crowds at the job fair W and I went for a walk. I was craving it, it was a beautiful day for it, and so off we went. No ipod, just the periodic sound of W laughing at the crunch of gravel underneath the stroller wheels. The sun heated up my face and sweat beaded up at the nape of my neck and I just kept on walking. I walked until I hurt. Which was pretty stupid, but I honestly didn’t know when or how to stop.

Which brings us to today. Today we are going to the zoo. For real.

Thank goodness I have so much great company in the fort. I have dragged an extension card in here so that I can update a bit. There is honestly just so much in my worry jar that I wouldn’t know how to begin. Huge stuff and small stuff. And nothing that I can really do anything about as it all falls under the dreaded, “wait and see” subheading. One of the life lessons the universe is teaching me is how to surrender control. I’m not so good at that. It’s also hard for me to accept that just when you think you have hit bottom you discover the basement.

If/when I can I will drag you all into the angst, but for now just know that your company and kindness is going a long way.

These past couple of days have been a bit busy. W had a playdate, I had some appointments in Baltimore and now W is dealing with his first cold (ever).

Want to know an awful baby combination? Molar teething meets snot. Basically W’s face was a gross dripping mess for several days and now whenever he sees me hold a burp cloth he squirms away because he dreads the awful face blotting. He is handling the sick pretty well- mostly just a slowed down version of normal. You would think that he would nap more or longer but hell no. Even in the haze of sick he can battle the nap. Seriously it seems like every fricken nap is cried out. Exhausting…

The playdate was a blast. W’s pal, Miles, is a month younger but was crawling ages before W ever considered it. The boys were so funny together and I loved watching them interact. I also loved the fantastic homemade pizza that M’s Moms, Strawberry & Nutella, made.

I went up to Baltimore to have my hearing checked. Whaaaaa??? Oh yes, I am totally having problems hearing. It isn’t that sounds are gone, but more that I either can’t understand them or if there are sounds behind me sounds in front of me become garbled or painful to hear. The test was interesting. W bounced on my knee while I had all kinds of wires and contraptions on my head. We were sealed in a soundproof room and beyond the tonal testing I also had word deciphering tests done. The verdict was what I had expected: I have hearing issues. BUT something like a hearing aid would probably not be effective as it would only amplify the very thing that is causing me pain. Most likely it is a nuero thing- meaning how my brain is picking up the sounds vs how my ears are working. It’s all just information that will be passed on to nuero when I have that get together.

After my appointment we were able to walk the labyrinth that is set up at Johns Hopkins. It was rainy and cloudy, but refreshing to be wrapped up in such a familiar and comforting pattern. Mother quietly walked the path and W and I just soaked it all in.

Photo grid time! You should be able to see the smaller sized photos if you are reading this via a reader, but if you want to see them larger (& the way that I think looks best) you will need to click through to the site. For some reason clicking on an image from a reader doesn’t really make the photo larger. But on the site they are set up to be all pretty and presentational. oooooh.

Just what you were looking for, right? More mid-atlantic snow photos! Today was the first day that I felt like it was safe to take W out for another round of “baby in the snow” photos. Which was a bit too adjacent to “Timmy in the well” because a certain baby that we know and love is going through a firm, “do not even THINK about putting me down!!!” phase. (made all the more fun by a side dish of, “but please allow me to pinch and squeeze your arm/neck/chest/face…”) He wasn’t really thrilled by my great plan of a photo session in a laundry basket in the blinding white snow, but he’ll thank me later. Or not. Regardless…

(and check back later tonight because there is going to be a kick ass contest starting later this evening that does not involve photoshop but FOOD. Real, yummy, much coveted fooooooooood.)

I know it was deeper further out, but I did not venture very far

See? Total drama about being put down.

Thinking about chilling

Chill

Adorable

And because he was a good assistant, here is Charlie in the snow

And lastly…just because I like that I caught this guy thawing

Of course I will be 2nd hand shopping, but oh damn is this cute. (too bad it doesn’t come in my size.)

More snow coming later today.  Mother is braving the roads now to pick up a few needs at the grocery store. I imagine it will be crazy packed. No way was I going to go!

Winter questions for you guys:

1) what is your favorite winter lotion?

2) Please tell me how you strategically unsnow your car.

3) socks or slippers? both?

4) Your favorite crockpot/ slow cooker recipe please. (vegetarian preferred)

5) Adult acne face wash that works in winter?? Does it exist?

Anyone else really geeked out over the promos of Who Do You Think You Are? I love geneology stuff and totally get weepy over some of the promos.

And final random to make you smile- Mother found this hair dryer in the sale bin at a local drug store. I haven’t used a hair dryer in years because it takes forever. Thusly my hair is always just sort of damp. This bonnet is the awesome and I can dry my hair hands-free! Plus it makes me look like a sexy beast. Right??!

ok. fine. I look like I’m in Star Wars..

The actual blizzard- action shot!

Saturday night

For lack of a better prop

Always look up

My new favorite thing to photograph

(Get cozy, it’s a catch up post. Oh yes. Beverage yourself up and snuggle in…)

I’m in a car at a pediatrician’s parking lot at the moment waiting for N&J to have a check up for little NJ. Speaking of pediatricians makes me realize that I need to update the W insurance list of chaos.

After getting a message two weeks ago from our case worker saying that all is fine, the “situation will be resolved tomorrow’ (with no indication of what, exactly the “situation” could be) I have not had any updates. So I decided to do a round of calls again to check on the status of our application. (I say “our” but it is really just W. Didn’t want anyone to think that I might actually get insurance coverage. Ha ha ha!)

The first call was to my caseworker. I was told she was on another line, given her direct number (woo!) and then transferred to her voice mail. I left a simple message that I was calling to check on the status and that I would go ahead and call the 800 number next.

And then I call the 800 number and get connected after the usual 30 minutes of key padding and hold music. I give my “customer service number” and am told that my application is delayed. Yes. We know this. Any update as to why? And here was his official answer, “sometimes there is just a delay and people get held up for no reason. It is just how it goes. There is a delay in the system.”

Turns out the state has 30 days to process the application. But on midnight of day 29 they issued me a delay letter. The letter stated that it gave them 10 extra days to process. One of the caseworker calls said that it gave them 10-15 extra process days. But now? Now I am being told that the system gets 30 days from the date of the delay letter.

Ahhhhh!! The system. The system is the new man. And the system is bringing me down. It is a system of the down.

I was then told that it could be February until I heard if W had been approved. I blinked at the “IF”.

Me: but isn’t it state law that every child be covered?

Him: Well every like, new baby.

Me: Newborns?

Him: Yes. They are called newborns.

Me: But not infants?

Him: Huh?

Me: Infants. Are they not covered?

Him: Uh. I guess. If infants are babies.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I opted not to continue this line of the conversation and went back to February questions. “So what happens in February if W doesn’t have a letter?” Well it turns out that if we don’t hear by February 2^nd that I get to call the 800 number and they will begin an investigation into the specific case and that could take, you guessed it, 30 days.

I really am beginning to wonder if this is wonking up his vaccination schedule. Any thoughts on this? His last round was at his 6 month wellness.

What really frustrates me is that I feel like I am either talked down to like you might placate a hysterical person or that I am not being heard at all. I am invisible.

Speaking of invisible- I no longer exist on Facebook. Turns out some lovely folks high jacked my account and then spent an evening trying to convince friends of mine that I had been robbed at gunpoint in London and needed them to wire me money via a specific link to western union. Thankfully none of my friends fell for it, but it was still rather stressful and icky. The solution was a swift change of my password on my end as well as added security questions. All was good.

Then last night, after taking the dog out around midnight, I decided to log into facebook from my phone so see if there were updates on events from two of my friends. I got the password invalid message. At first I thought I was typing it in wrong- it was, after all a new password and my fingers were not quite nimble with the memory of it.

But no. This morning when I tried to log on from my computer I was informed that my account was disabled and to contact the help section. Only when I clicked on help I got a “this page can not be loaded” message.

Before I left to pick up N&J this morning I asked Mother to just leave a message on my wall to let people know that I was dealing with account issues. Except I no longer exist. There is no me anywhere. At all. Bit of an existential moment there.

In other news I now have a date to meet my sister and her daughters. Early February. Coffee.  We have exchanged a few more pleasant e-mails. They still feel weird. This is probably because I am so very guarded and nervous. But little things are starting to surface and make me realize that this is a path that one cannot unwind. Once we meet, once children are involved, it is a thing. An event.

She asked me the other day what W called Mother. I found this a bit amusing because at the moment he just calls everyone that isn’t me, “Haaaaaaaaaay!!” And then I realized that she wanted to know because she has children that will need to call Mother something. And I had this really powerful moment of sadness over having to share the Grandmother name that Mother and I had created. Of course her kids can call Mother whatever they/she wants and they may not want to use the name W will use. But they might. And I need to get ok with that.

I will be writing more about all of this, of course, but I have to stop now because I just had this wave of emotion. I need to dial it all back.

In the midst of the insurance stuff, and the sister saga, and the N&J shuttling, W and I got to have a play date. It was our first with other babies around his age. And what made it so fucking kick ass awesome was that every child romping on the floor had a Mom from the ALI community. So we didn’t have to deal with all the possible bitter bullshit of mingling with fertile people. Not that being fertile is a bad thing, some of my good friends are fertile and I can still hang with them. Heh.

It’s just awfully lovely to not have to face an unexpected line of conversation about oops babies or the “we just look at each other and make children” or insert your version of gut punch dialogue here.

Here is the only photo I managed to get of the Alphabet people.

Did you see? Yes that is the lovely JJ featured in the photo above. And yes, this means that I got to meet her AND the O-man. And yes she is beautiful inside and out and holy goodness the O-man is just delicious. V was an excellent host to the other alphabet babies and we hope to play there again soon.

Speaking of V means that I get to write about his Mama. One of the best things about moving to this area is that I am finally making new friends. Oh sure we know each other from blogland, but there is just something magical that happens when you end up chilling on someone’s living room floor talking about baby poop, tattoos, and swaying to Mel sing hits from the Beatles on the wiiiiiiii.  V’s Mama is the kind of woman that has a solution to everything. I feel like her theme song is that 80’s hit, “aint nothing gonna break my stride”.

When I was lamenting the latest insurance woes with the room at large one of my moments of pout was that I didn‘t know how much W weighed. I don’t have a scale and I was going by the wellness visits to keep track and yadda yadda sad song. Well V’s Mama just nodded at me, validated my sadness and then swooped up the W and declared that we were going to find out how much he weighed right then and there. It was just something simple and easy but it helped chill me out so much.

And now we know that W weighs 22 pounds. So why is it that I do not have biceps to be proud of??

I am still totally behind on news and posts from our community and I hate that. I am also way delayed in setting up the fundraising for Michell and I feel awful about it. I will say that it looks like we are going to do a simple eBay auction so hopefully soon-ish we will have a spreadsheet set up so that those that wish to be involved can do so. I can’t wait!

But oh the bliss of meeting a new baby and seeing a family welcome her after years and years of sadness. Little NJ is such a cutie and an old soul. She has these elegant long fingers and the squishiest baby cheeks. It has been a delight to be able to watch N & J become Mothers.

And damn it if it didn’t start the fucking clock. You would think that my body would know that NOW is not such a good time for the lusting of a sibling for W. Jobless, mere months from uncertain living situation, no insurance, and no savings. And yet the ripple of babylust is there. The desire to have one more sticking her toe into my heart. I think it is the combination of meeting a new baby AND the reconnecting with my sibling that is making the emotion sing through even when it is totally inappropriate.

But yes. I want another one. Some day. I just wish the circumstances of my life could match up with my desires. And then of course there is that, “can I really go through another 5 years of trying??” angst that is pressing me. And age. And, and, and…

Next week Mother is going to this massive job fair in the area. She still applies for several jobs a day and touches base with the legal staffing places weekly. There is some frustration. I think we both thought that moving to the mid-Atlantic was going to be a huge leap towards the job market. I know we got here smack dab in the holidays and that hiring goes down at the end of the year. We are so so so ready for the page to turn in this chapter. It feels so unfamiliar to be this dependant on the kindness of friends to make it through. We are used to being the ones helping others. And now we are the ones that leave friend’s houses with bags of pasta and cans of veggies. Our chins are up, but the bruises are not fading from all of the knocks of life.

Well I can’t end with that waft of melancholy so I am going to share a W photo. It makes me smile. Most days that is enough. Other days I watch the muppets. See the post below.

Have I mentioned my supreme love of lists? I rock a to-do list like I am Slash on tour. In my former life as an over-worked Hollywood assistant I had to keep a bajillion things organized and in check. I also worked for a person that demanded hourly updates on EVERYTHING. This person was dreadfully afraid that the “ball would drop” and something would not get done and then robots would take over the world and bad yogurt would kill us all. (and I know that sentence will not make sense to 98% of you, but trust me, it was a crazy job)

So I developed a system of charting that relied heavily on a spiral notebook, a black ball point pen and three highlighters (pink, yellow, and green). Every day gets a page in the notebook and every task gets a line on the page. Tasks are either done (yellow), begun (pink) or need to do (green). At the end of the day every item on the list would get addressed and things that were not coded yellow were carried over to the next day.

And I fucking LOVE doing this. Because I am a Capricorn. Or a list maker. Or some sort of awesome combination. Here is a glimpse into my list from yesterday. Exciting, right?? (& yes I put “shower” on my to-do list and as you can tell by the color coding it got done!)

But blogging about things that I want to blog about has not been something I have been able to do for a few days. And I don’t want to not put this stuff down because some of it is kind of huge and I don’t want to suddenly find the time to write about it and some of you be all, “WHAT???”

1) I wanted to wait until I knew it was totally fine with her before I said who the blogger is that I want to help. But I am now told that I can (yay!) so you guys get to know that Michell is who we will be helping out. For those of you not familiar with Michell I will simply say that she is one of the sweetest and most dear people in our community. Always there with support and affection and enthusiasm for others- even as she has dealt with setback after setback of her own. If you want to get involved with the brainstorming for fundraising drop me an e-mail or leave a comment here. Otherwise just wait for me to shine the “NOW!!” signal when we have our act in gear.

2) So my sister sent me an e-mail. I have not written back yet. I am processing. More on this later.

3) W is a crawler. He will not admit this to you, but I have seen it. He is a secret crawler.

4) Since he is keeping his crawling a secret I will tell you one of MY secrets about W. He wears tights. Except we don’t call them that. Oh no. They are his long johns. He wears them and a onesie under everything because it is COLD up here. He looks like a baby Billy Elliot.

5) A baby was born yesterday to a dear friend. I get the weeps just thinking about how wonderful this is.

6) I opened a checking account yesterday and burst into tears when the woman at the bank asked me simple questions like, “what is your permanent address” and “where is your place of employment”.

7) One of W’s Godparents just got accepted into the Philadelphia Gay Men’s Chorus and just thinking about taking W up there to see him perform makes me SO proud and excited.

8 ) I got my Mother her own url and blog for her holiday gift and before she has written anything in her new blog she has spent hours and hours working on just the perfect header. I am not allowed to help her as she wants her header to TWINKLE! My Mother is also on facebook and yes I have friended her.

9) Peppermint mocha coffee creamer will now be available all year ’round.

10) A certain someone has been getting up at 4am to nurse and I usually bring him back to bed with me. I am then forced to watch tv. And for the last several days the infomercial for Your Baby Can Read has been on and it totally freaks me out. And yet I am fascinated. And wonder if any of you guys have seen the infomercial. And I wonder if I teach W to read if I can then just put a couple of books in his pack and play and he can read instead of waking me up at 4am.

11) I still have no word from the state of Maryland about W’s health insurance. I applied on 11/29 and was called in for an interview and for document review on 12/10. When I called I was told that “they” have 30 days to process and that if I don’t hear back by 1/10 that I should call and the head case worker will get involved. Tomorrow W will be 9 months and I just sag under the weight of stress about him not even having a local doctor.

There are so many ways to approach something new. Some get excited, some get motivated, and some (like me) seem to pause and go a bit introverted. Which, if you know me is quite adverse to my true personality. I guess I am afraid. Of change, of uncertainty, of things unknown. There are so many parts of my life that are not stable right now and to prevent myself from spinning I am trying to be cool. Cool enough to freeze and stop motion so that I can study all of these parts from every angle.

I am not fond of how anxious I am about every fucking thing these days. And after realizing how much I hate being anxious there is this whiplash of bitter because I don’t have a doctor that I can call on for help. So much, I am sure will settle once WE are settled. But there is residual anxiety that trickles out into pretty much every hour of my days. I dread driving. I super dread driving in the dark. I am nervous about hurting an animal while I drive. Nervous that an animal will hurt me or the car or, heaven forbid, my family. I am afraid that I will slip on ice. Afraid that I will trip on a fallen branch, or even my larger than life feet. And as I am experiencing these fears I am YELLING at my brain to shut up. To calm down. To be gentle and breathe.

It doesn’t work. I breathe, but I don’t go calm from it.

This new year (new decade) is like being surprised with a party that you have to host yourself and you have nothing to feed guests, nothing to wear, and all of the laundry is in a heap waiting to be folded and put away. It feels sudden and startling and let’s face it- I loathe surprises.

You would think that the Alzheimer’s and infertility ripples in my life would have been teachable moments for learning that you can not know everything, that you can not control anything. Instead I think it has made me paranoid. I have witnessed horrible moments when planning was not able to stabilize a situation. I was immobilized by my life.

And so as we start this moment of turning a new page in our calendars I feel like I am in the middle of a frozen lake in my socks. I only know a few things for certain. Thankfully they are giant and sustaining things: I have people that love me and I love these people. I have a roof over my head. I have an outlet to process my messy feelings. I have an outlet to flex my creative needs. I have more things than I can count keeping me afloat. And yet is is the stuff I don’t have that I notice the most.

I woke up too early this morning and felt a bit unsettled. I think hearing rain was what was throwing me. Isn’t that silly? Oh who am I kidding. I woke up knowing that this is not only the last day of the year, but the last day of a decade. And damn, what a decade it has been. I contemplated doing one of those brief (ha!) sum ups for each year of the 2000’s, but then realized that I can’t remember much. It’s all in a haze of “Los Angeles, movies, death, Alabama, Alzheimer’s, depression, infertility, birth, death, life…” Well those are ten things, I guess that captures ten years for you.

And before I look forward, how about a quick (I promise) recap of my holidays. It went a little something like this:

1) Stress about driving on Christmas Eve in wonky weather conditions along side shitty drivers but dammit we are going to SING!

2) arriving a tad late to Marta’s family’s holiday meal- but then being enveloped into the kind of special awesome that seems to be unique to large and close-knit families. Good food, great company, and W’s first caroling experience. (& Waaaaa! I didn’t have my camera!)

3) waking up on Christmas morning and pushing away my “BAD MAMA*” thoughts because I had not really purchased any gifts for W. He was loved, he was hugged, he was kissed and squeezed. And people that love us had given him gifts to open and wrapping paper to eat. (*I was going to write more about this, but honestly it is way too jumbly and lame and by the time I feel fine enough to write about it I will probably be ok for reals. It just sucks in some moments.)

4) Having a fancy (& free!) breakfast from the hotel on Christmas morning. W probably consumed a bucket of jam and charmed everyone in the dining room with his glee.

5) Having Christmas dinner from WaWa. The touchscreens of awesome!

6) Spending the day after Christmas at the Sears Autobody shop because the ‘Service car NOW!!!!!’ light was on and the breaks seemed to be about to give. (Simple oil change, and discovery that the breaks were just dandy but our two front tires were bald and poorly aligned.) Nursing in the lobby of the auto shop? Priceless.

7) Having a girl’s night out with Marta & her family. Mmmmm. Cocktails!

8 ) Driving around Philly with Mother & W and going to Honey’s Sit & Eat- a place that I went to every time I was in the Northeast for IVF’s and the FET. This time needing a highchair. This time also having to apologize to the wait staff and surrounding patrons for flying coffee mugs. (seriously, this boy is all about the grab and toss these days)

9) Getting to spend time with Dr. Molly and then gathering all of W’s God parents together for a Godparent Trifecta. Seriously amazing moment. Seriously.

10) Driving up to a small town in Pennsylvania and meeting, for the first time, one of my Grandfather’s cousins and seeing that she has the exact same color of blue eyes that my Pop did (& that W and I now have). This is a woman that my Grandparents adored. She wrote to GM several times a month- even when GM was no longer able to write back herself. I will probably cry if I write more, but it was pretty wonderful to spend time with her and her family. Which are my family. But before I never could say that and now I can. Know what I mean?

And now are you ready for the big thing that arrived in the mail? Just a little envelope really. A holiday card that had been sent to my now old address in Florida and had safely made its way to my PO Box up here. From my sister. (Read this if you need a refresher.)

Yes.

So basically the theme of my holiday was Family. The family that I once traveled across the country to spend time with doesn’t really exist anymore. But Mother and W and I were surrounded by new family this year- some blood relatives and some hand picked by the Universe to cross our paths. And just when I thought a door to knowing a person would always be closed I see that it might not be.

It’s sort of a powerful way to begin a new year, a new decade. 2010. BRING IT!