So that was pretty underwhelming. A morning chock full of angst and all it ended up being was me turning in my latest bank statements. That’s IT. I had to refill out the entire application for assistance and wait for ages for my number to be called, but what was supposed to be a “meeting with caseworker” was really just a “drop off forms”. And part of me is not surprised as this agency has a history of sending out letters that have nothing to do with what you need to know or do.

I never even met my caseworker. All of that stupid, stupid anxiety over being judged by a man feels pretty foolish now. Except it did yield for some pretty awesome and helpful comments from you guys. This one from Clara being something that I am totally going to print out and carry around with me:

Maybe it’ll help to think that W will grow up to be a man one day (like 99% of boys) and he’ll be a wonderful and compassionate man because you raised him that way.  Just as that is possible, and very likely, it is also very possible that the man who you will meet today was raised by fabulous and wonderful parent/s and is as caring and compassionate as your W will be.

So I guess now I just wait for a letter to arrive in the mail that either says my coverage and assistance is continuing or ending. With my circumstances not changed at all I am going to try and relax and hope that all of the efforts I put into getting us some help will not fade away.

Later this morning I have a sit down meeting with my caseworker. I have never met him, never spoken with him, but when the system shuffled the deck he was assigned to us. Officially he will be my fourth caseworker and yet he is the first one that I am extremely nervous about meeting. And it didn’t take me long to land on the reason why- it’s that he is a man. And it isn’t that I don’t think that the profession of caseworker should be strictly female, but everything to do with the memory of a caseworker in Florida that was, by far, one of the cruelest people I have met.

Granted I have had some not so friendly women “helping” me here, but for every eye rolling state employee I came across there was usually another one smoothing things back down and getting things back on track.

And (with the exception of my primary care doctor) I generally don’t have opinions about the sex of people that I work with. It is a total non-issue.

But the caseworker in Florida? He was just horrid. (He was the one that I had to meet with in the paternity office and he had many things to say about how W came to be. He made me feel awful.) And it took me ages to let go of all of the hurtful and unnecessary comments.

Thankfully I can no longer remember the guy’s face but one fact remains and sadly it is tinging my anxiety about today’s meeting: he was a man. So does this mean that every man that I deal with when it comes to my family will have an OPINION? It isn’t a rational anxiety, but maybe it is the one I am allowing to overshadow the other ones. Because this feels somehow safer to worry about than the other stuff- like will our coverage get an end date? Will the food stamps end?

Mother has asked to come with us and I do hope there is someone there that we can talk employment with. While she does always manage to come back to the place of hope some days are harder than others. And she is struggling with self worth and all of the stuff that you can imagine might surface when all the hundreds and hundreds of applications go unresponded to.

So we are both feeling a bit raw today, bracing for an uncomfortable morning and what will surely be a tear filled afternoon. Have case worker/evaluation stories? Bring ‘em. Or just tell me something that will distract me from constantly thinking about how bad it might be…

The past week was honestly a bit of a haze. I pushed myself to get out of the house, socialize, be active, be present, be a part of the world at large. But it was hard. So very hard. I honestly have never known fatigue like this before. Ever. Just turning from one position to another while sleeping hurts in such a non pain like way. My head has been in a cloudy fog and I have just been feeling dim.

Thursday night, just to show me that there is always a basement level to whatever “bottom” you are experiencing, I succumbed to such an evil gut bug that I was blind with pain. Gut bug decided to go to town on every part of me and it won.

I arrived at my mid Friday morning doctor’s appointment empty and a shell of a person. I contemplated canceling it because just riding in the car was a pain and I honestly didn’t know if it was the bug or this other thing.

Oh but I am much better at not caving in to the desire to shut out the world and I recruited Mother to drive and entertain W during my appointment.

The appointment was very informational. The height issue is still pretty much a WTF, shoulder shrug, thing so I am going to celebrate my increased Amazon Woman status and let any worries about that go. (the test for excess human growth hormone was all fine) I am very depleted in Vitamin D, and apparently so are you. Seriously. Turns out many, many people are these days and it is wrecking havoc on us. There is a total link between people that are depressed and people that are lacking in D. I have been put on a prescription dose that I will take for once a week for a couple of months. I call it my sunshine pill. Pale people of the world rejoice.

The other stuff we talked about was the nest of auto-immune issues that are lighting up for me. We talked about how to specifically treat the Hashimoto’s and what I can expect from the medication. I am on a synthetic thyroid medicine now with the goal to get my number to 1. I still don’t quite get the thyroid number stuff but I will learn. I go back in 6 weeks for blood work to see how things are going. I am also to call if I feel no changes. This stuff should help evaporate many of my health complaints right now but since I am taking generic there can be a wide range of pill types and not every kind works for every person. la dee da

So here is where I quietly wonder if maybe the medication is already working. I mean can it really work that fast? I still feel incredibly tired and slow, but it was easier to wake up today than it was yesterday. And to me that is progress.

This morning Mother has taken W to a little church down the road. They went last week so I could sleep (yay) and had such a nice time they decided to go again. (& then grocery shop- double yay) There is a lot of singing and a lot of kids so W enjoyed it. I’m still tiptoeing around church and faith but W is this brand new person and I like the idea of him being around joyful noise.

Today I dressed him in the suit that we had purchased for him to wear to Grandmother’s funeral. Only the tie and vest fit at the time, but now he wears it well. But I have to admit it brought back a lot of stuff to see him in it.

Hurrah! We went to the zoo! And holy heck are my legs sore from all of the uphill walking. It was a very nice day with Mother, W, and friends. Casual, mellow, why don’t we sit down and relax, kind of zoo experience. A lot of exhibits were closed for renovations and lots of active construction was going on. But if there was something to see I unbuckled W and pointed and gestured and tilted my head towards it and maybe 70% of the time he saw the animal.

I think I was looking for a bigger reaction out of him. Watching a cat bathe cracks him up so you would think that the small mammal exhibit would rock his world. But he was sort of, “meh” about things. Certainly more interested in people watching or trying to get N or V’s attention.

I guess the more he becomes aware the more he will enjoy it. I wish I could promise you amazing photos but taking pictures fell behind so that I could hold W. I’ll share what I have, but I am guessing you will be most impressed by W’s new hat trick that he has mastered.

Thank you for the really great, helpful, and encouraging comments and e-mails regarding my thyroid issues. Many of you brought up a question that I have on my list as well- how the frack does a wonky thyroid get you an increase in height. I honestly don’t know. Don’t know if they are connected or if it is the result of something else or maybe because I am single and don’t get to live in a world where push gifts happen, it’s the Universe’s way of giving me a trinket. No diamonds for me, thank you very much, but I can totally dust that ceiling fan for you.

I do know that the increase in my height was one of the reasons why a massive amount of blood work was ordered. The biggie we were looking for was evidence of excessive growth hormone. I guess I’ll find out on Friday what happened there.

Monday I had plans to haul my ass and family to the zoo. It was a beautiful day, the zoo is reachable by metro, and best of all the place is FREE! But I was smacked upside the head by exhaustion. Total body consumed exhaustion. I don’t know if it is happening more often or if I am just more aware of it, but it honestly feels like I am moving under water. The worst is waking up and still feeling exhausted.

Needless to say the zoo didn’t happen Monday. It didn’t happen yesterday either as Mother had some appointments. One of those appointments being a giant job fair in Virgina. She looked beautiful, armed herself with her beautiful resumes, and braved face through a sea of teenagers about to leap into the job market. She met with as many HR people as she could, scored a really cool bouncy ball for W from a power company, and tried to find a positive side to the day.

That’s the thing about Mom- it’s been over a year of this shit and yet she is able to face each day with abundant hope. Because one day, one day is going to be THE day that turns all of this around. One day someone is going to call her in and find out how amazing and talented and fantastic and awesome and genius she is. And then they will leap to have her on their team. And then we can get back to living life and not flinching around it.

A friend (that is affiliated with the HR world and has a great blog) interviewed Mom as part of a series. And reading Mom’s interview made me laugh and made me cry and it just made me feel so amazed that she is keeping it together as well as she is. (I’d link to it but it’s all real names and stuff. But if you are in the HR world do leave a comment or e-mail.)

While Mother braved the lines and crowds at the job fair W and I went for a walk. I was craving it, it was a beautiful day for it, and so off we went. No ipod, just the periodic sound of W laughing at the crunch of gravel underneath the stroller wheels. The sun heated up my face and sweat beaded up at the nape of my neck and I just kept on walking. I walked until I hurt. Which was pretty stupid, but I honestly didn’t know when or how to stop.

Which brings us to today. Today we are going to the zoo. For real.

Thank goodness I have so much great company in the fort. I have dragged an extension card in here so that I can update a bit. There is honestly just so much in my worry jar that I wouldn’t know how to begin. Huge stuff and small stuff. And nothing that I can really do anything about as it all falls under the dreaded, “wait and see” subheading. One of the life lessons the universe is teaching me is how to surrender control. I’m not so good at that. It’s also hard for me to accept that just when you think you have hit bottom you discover the basement.

If/when I can I will drag you all into the angst, but for now just know that your company and kindness is going a long way.

These past couple of days have been a bit busy. W had a playdate, I had some appointments in Baltimore and now W is dealing with his first cold (ever).

Want to know an awful baby combination? Molar teething meets snot. Basically W’s face was a gross dripping mess for several days and now whenever he sees me hold a burp cloth he squirms away because he dreads the awful face blotting. He is handling the sick pretty well- mostly just a slowed down version of normal. You would think that he would nap more or longer but hell no. Even in the haze of sick he can battle the nap. Seriously it seems like every fricken nap is cried out. Exhausting…

The playdate was a blast. W’s pal, Miles, is a month younger but was crawling ages before W ever considered it. The boys were so funny together and I loved watching them interact. I also loved the fantastic homemade pizza that M’s Moms, Strawberry & Nutella, made.

I went up to Baltimore to have my hearing checked. Whaaaaa??? Oh yes, I am totally having problems hearing. It isn’t that sounds are gone, but more that I either can’t understand them or if there are sounds behind me sounds in front of me become garbled or painful to hear. The test was interesting. W bounced on my knee while I had all kinds of wires and contraptions on my head. We were sealed in a soundproof room and beyond the tonal testing I also had word deciphering tests done. The verdict was what I had expected: I have hearing issues. BUT something like a hearing aid would probably not be effective as it would only amplify the very thing that is causing me pain. Most likely it is a nuero thing- meaning how my brain is picking up the sounds vs how my ears are working. It’s all just information that will be passed on to nuero when I have that get together.

After my appointment we were able to walk the labyrinth that is set up at Johns Hopkins. It was rainy and cloudy, but refreshing to be wrapped up in such a familiar and comforting pattern. Mother quietly walked the path and W and I just soaked it all in.

Photo grid time! You should be able to see the smaller sized photos if you are reading this via a reader, but if you want to see them larger (& the way that I think looks best) you will need to click through to the site. For some reason clicking on an image from a reader doesn’t really make the photo larger. But on the site they are set up to be all pretty and presentational. oooooh.

Just what you were looking for, right? More mid-atlantic snow photos! Today was the first day that I felt like it was safe to take W out for another round of “baby in the snow” photos. Which was a bit too adjacent to “Timmy in the well” because a certain baby that we know and love is going through a firm, “do not even THINK about putting me down!!!” phase. (made all the more fun by a side dish of, “but please allow me to pinch and squeeze your arm/neck/chest/face…”) He wasn’t really thrilled by my great plan of a photo session in a laundry basket in the blinding white snow, but he’ll thank me later. Or not. Regardless…

(and check back later tonight because there is going to be a kick ass contest starting later this evening that does not involve photoshop but FOOD. Real, yummy, much coveted fooooooooood.)

I know it was deeper further out, but I did not venture very far

See? Total drama about being put down.

Thinking about chilling

Chill

Adorable

And because he was a good assistant, here is Charlie in the snow

And lastly…just because I like that I caught this guy thawing

Of course I will be 2nd hand shopping, but oh damn is this cute. (too bad it doesn’t come in my size.)

More snow coming later today.  Mother is braving the roads now to pick up a few needs at the grocery store. I imagine it will be crazy packed. No way was I going to go!

Winter questions for you guys:

1) what is your favorite winter lotion?

2) Please tell me how you strategically unsnow your car.

3) socks or slippers? both?

4) Your favorite crockpot/ slow cooker recipe please. (vegetarian preferred)

5) Adult acne face wash that works in winter?? Does it exist?

Anyone else really geeked out over the promos of Who Do You Think You Are? I love geneology stuff and totally get weepy over some of the promos.

And final random to make you smile- Mother found this hair dryer in the sale bin at a local drug store. I haven’t used a hair dryer in years because it takes forever. Thusly my hair is always just sort of damp. This bonnet is the awesome and I can dry my hair hands-free! Plus it makes me look like a sexy beast. Right??!

ok. fine. I look like I’m in Star Wars..

The actual blizzard- action shot!

Saturday night

For lack of a better prop

Always look up

My new favorite thing to photograph

(Get cozy, it’s a catch up post. Oh yes. Beverage yourself up and snuggle in…)

I’m in a car at a pediatrician’s parking lot at the moment waiting for N&J to have a check up for little NJ. Speaking of pediatricians makes me realize that I need to update the W insurance list of chaos.

After getting a message two weeks ago from our case worker saying that all is fine, the “situation will be resolved tomorrow’ (with no indication of what, exactly the “situation” could be) I have not had any updates. So I decided to do a round of calls again to check on the status of our application. (I say “our” but it is really just W. Didn’t want anyone to think that I might actually get insurance coverage. Ha ha ha!)

The first call was to my caseworker. I was told she was on another line, given her direct number (woo!) and then transferred to her voice mail. I left a simple message that I was calling to check on the status and that I would go ahead and call the 800 number next.

And then I call the 800 number and get connected after the usual 30 minutes of key padding and hold music. I give my “customer service number” and am told that my application is delayed. Yes. We know this. Any update as to why? And here was his official answer, “sometimes there is just a delay and people get held up for no reason. It is just how it goes. There is a delay in the system.”

Turns out the state has 30 days to process the application. But on midnight of day 29 they issued me a delay letter. The letter stated that it gave them 10 extra days to process. One of the caseworker calls said that it gave them 10-15 extra process days. But now? Now I am being told that the system gets 30 days from the date of the delay letter.

Ahhhhh!! The system. The system is the new man. And the system is bringing me down. It is a system of the down.

I was then told that it could be February until I heard if W had been approved. I blinked at the “IF”.

Me: but isn’t it state law that every child be covered?

Him: Well every like, new baby.

Me: Newborns?

Him: Yes. They are called newborns.

Me: But not infants?

Him: Huh?

Me: Infants. Are they not covered?

Him: Uh. I guess. If infants are babies.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I opted not to continue this line of the conversation and went back to February questions. “So what happens in February if W doesn’t have a letter?” Well it turns out that if we don’t hear by February 2^nd that I get to call the 800 number and they will begin an investigation into the specific case and that could take, you guessed it, 30 days.

I really am beginning to wonder if this is wonking up his vaccination schedule. Any thoughts on this? His last round was at his 6 month wellness.

What really frustrates me is that I feel like I am either talked down to like you might placate a hysterical person or that I am not being heard at all. I am invisible.

Speaking of invisible- I no longer exist on Facebook. Turns out some lovely folks high jacked my account and then spent an evening trying to convince friends of mine that I had been robbed at gunpoint in London and needed them to wire me money via a specific link to western union. Thankfully none of my friends fell for it, but it was still rather stressful and icky. The solution was a swift change of my password on my end as well as added security questions. All was good.

Then last night, after taking the dog out around midnight, I decided to log into facebook from my phone so see if there were updates on events from two of my friends. I got the password invalid message. At first I thought I was typing it in wrong- it was, after all a new password and my fingers were not quite nimble with the memory of it.

But no. This morning when I tried to log on from my computer I was informed that my account was disabled and to contact the help section. Only when I clicked on help I got a “this page can not be loaded” message.

Before I left to pick up N&J this morning I asked Mother to just leave a message on my wall to let people know that I was dealing with account issues. Except I no longer exist. There is no me anywhere. At all. Bit of an existential moment there.

In other news I now have a date to meet my sister and her daughters. Early February. Coffee.  We have exchanged a few more pleasant e-mails. They still feel weird. This is probably because I am so very guarded and nervous. But little things are starting to surface and make me realize that this is a path that one cannot unwind. Once we meet, once children are involved, it is a thing. An event.

She asked me the other day what W called Mother. I found this a bit amusing because at the moment he just calls everyone that isn’t me, “Haaaaaaaaaay!!” And then I realized that she wanted to know because she has children that will need to call Mother something. And I had this really powerful moment of sadness over having to share the Grandmother name that Mother and I had created. Of course her kids can call Mother whatever they/she wants and they may not want to use the name W will use. But they might. And I need to get ok with that.

I will be writing more about all of this, of course, but I have to stop now because I just had this wave of emotion. I need to dial it all back.

In the midst of the insurance stuff, and the sister saga, and the N&J shuttling, W and I got to have a play date. It was our first with other babies around his age. And what made it so fucking kick ass awesome was that every child romping on the floor had a Mom from the ALI community. So we didn’t have to deal with all the possible bitter bullshit of mingling with fertile people. Not that being fertile is a bad thing, some of my good friends are fertile and I can still hang with them. Heh.

It’s just awfully lovely to not have to face an unexpected line of conversation about oops babies or the “we just look at each other and make children” or insert your version of gut punch dialogue here.

Here is the only photo I managed to get of the Alphabet people.

Did you see? Yes that is the lovely JJ featured in the photo above. And yes, this means that I got to meet her AND the O-man. And yes she is beautiful inside and out and holy goodness the O-man is just delicious. V was an excellent host to the other alphabet babies and we hope to play there again soon.

Speaking of V means that I get to write about his Mama. One of the best things about moving to this area is that I am finally making new friends. Oh sure we know each other from blogland, but there is just something magical that happens when you end up chilling on someone’s living room floor talking about baby poop, tattoos, and swaying to Mel sing hits from the Beatles on the wiiiiiiii.  V’s Mama is the kind of woman that has a solution to everything. I feel like her theme song is that 80’s hit, “aint nothing gonna break my stride”.

When I was lamenting the latest insurance woes with the room at large one of my moments of pout was that I didn‘t know how much W weighed. I don’t have a scale and I was going by the wellness visits to keep track and yadda yadda sad song. Well V’s Mama just nodded at me, validated my sadness and then swooped up the W and declared that we were going to find out how much he weighed right then and there. It was just something simple and easy but it helped chill me out so much.

And now we know that W weighs 22 pounds. So why is it that I do not have biceps to be proud of??

I am still totally behind on news and posts from our community and I hate that. I am also way delayed in setting up the fundraising for Michell and I feel awful about it. I will say that it looks like we are going to do a simple eBay auction so hopefully soon-ish we will have a spreadsheet set up so that those that wish to be involved can do so. I can’t wait!

But oh the bliss of meeting a new baby and seeing a family welcome her after years and years of sadness. Little NJ is such a cutie and an old soul. She has these elegant long fingers and the squishiest baby cheeks. It has been a delight to be able to watch N & J become Mothers.

And damn it if it didn’t start the fucking clock. You would think that my body would know that NOW is not such a good time for the lusting of a sibling for W. Jobless, mere months from uncertain living situation, no insurance, and no savings. And yet the ripple of babylust is there. The desire to have one more sticking her toe into my heart. I think it is the combination of meeting a new baby AND the reconnecting with my sibling that is making the emotion sing through even when it is totally inappropriate.

But yes. I want another one. Some day. I just wish the circumstances of my life could match up with my desires. And then of course there is that, “can I really go through another 5 years of trying??” angst that is pressing me. And age. And, and, and…

Next week Mother is going to this massive job fair in the area. She still applies for several jobs a day and touches base with the legal staffing places weekly. There is some frustration. I think we both thought that moving to the mid-Atlantic was going to be a huge leap towards the job market. I know we got here smack dab in the holidays and that hiring goes down at the end of the year. We are so so so ready for the page to turn in this chapter. It feels so unfamiliar to be this dependant on the kindness of friends to make it through. We are used to being the ones helping others. And now we are the ones that leave friend’s houses with bags of pasta and cans of veggies. Our chins are up, but the bruises are not fading from all of the knocks of life.

Well I can’t end with that waft of melancholy so I am going to share a W photo. It makes me smile. Most days that is enough. Other days I watch the muppets. See the post below.