I know so many of you are itching to put away the wool socks and break out the flip flops, but I am just not there yet. Most likely this is because I have not experienced a good & proper winter for over 13 years. When I fled New York for the heat of Los Angeles I didn’t even pause to consider the weather or how much I would miss a turtleneck.

And sure this particular winter in the mid-Atlantic has been one for the record books with giant snow storms and blizzards, and I am not saying I want more crazy storms…but I wouldn’t mind some nice 45 degree days with beautiful blue sky. Those are the kinds of days where I imagine I would don a soft plaid scarf and plush mittens and feel my cheeks pink up from the chill. I feel more alive in cool weather, more alert, more invigorated and inspired.

It seems more permissible to be depressed in the winter…

I am totally sad to see the temperatures for the weekend- in the 70’s. I KNOW! You can call me silly, but I am just not ready for 70 degree weather. I’m not ready to let go of winter and all that it was for me, for us. ‘Spring can really hang you up the most’. At least that is what Bette Midler sings and I believe her. It’s the end of an affair with a beautiful season. Winter is leaving me.

Will you be sad to see winter go? Or are you already painting your toes hot pink and laughing at my sad, turtleneck craving self?

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So I have been working on a little something and I am ready to fill you in. If you take a moment and look up there you will notice there is a new page called PreFab Headers. Intrigued??

It’s spring-ish out there and as you are cleaning up your home or car or cubicle why not take a moment and spruce up your blog? No need to think about what your new header should look like as I have started that work for you. Because I really do love you. And I want your blog to be pretty! And fresh!

Everything you need to know is on that page. Please spread the word. I will be adding more headers as these are sold (she says, hopefully). And as always if you want something totally custom you can check out the main header art page.

So that was pretty underwhelming. A morning chock full of angst and all it ended up being was me turning in my latest bank statements. That’s IT. I had to refill out the entire application for assistance and wait for ages for my number to be called, but what was supposed to be a “meeting with caseworker” was really just a “drop off forms”. And part of me is not surprised as this agency has a history of sending out letters that have nothing to do with what you need to know or do.

I never even met my caseworker. All of that stupid, stupid anxiety over being judged by a man feels pretty foolish now. Except it did yield for some pretty awesome and helpful comments from you guys. This one from Clara being something that I am totally going to print out and carry around with me:

Maybe it’ll help to think that W will grow up to be a man one day (like 99% of boys) and he’ll be a wonderful and compassionate man because you raised him that way.  Just as that is possible, and very likely, it is also very possible that the man who you will meet today was raised by fabulous and wonderful parent/s and is as caring and compassionate as your W will be.

So I guess now I just wait for a letter to arrive in the mail that either says my coverage and assistance is continuing or ending. With my circumstances not changed at all I am going to try and relax and hope that all of the efforts I put into getting us some help will not fade away.

Later this morning I have a sit down meeting with my caseworker. I have never met him, never spoken with him, but when the system shuffled the deck he was assigned to us. Officially he will be my fourth caseworker and yet he is the first one that I am extremely nervous about meeting. And it didn’t take me long to land on the reason why- it’s that he is a man. And it isn’t that I don’t think that the profession of caseworker should be strictly female, but everything to do with the memory of a caseworker in Florida that was, by far, one of the cruelest people I have met.

Granted I have had some not so friendly women “helping” me here, but for every eye rolling state employee I came across there was usually another one smoothing things back down and getting things back on track.

And (with the exception of my primary care doctor) I generally don’t have opinions about the sex of people that I work with. It is a total non-issue.

But the caseworker in Florida? He was just horrid. (He was the one that I had to meet with in the paternity office and he had many things to say about how W came to be. He made me feel awful.) And it took me ages to let go of all of the hurtful and unnecessary comments.

Thankfully I can no longer remember the guy’s face but one fact remains and sadly it is tinging my anxiety about today’s meeting: he was a man. So does this mean that every man that I deal with when it comes to my family will have an OPINION? It isn’t a rational anxiety, but maybe it is the one I am allowing to overshadow the other ones. Because this feels somehow safer to worry about than the other stuff- like will our coverage get an end date? Will the food stamps end?

Mother has asked to come with us and I do hope there is someone there that we can talk employment with. While she does always manage to come back to the place of hope some days are harder than others. And she is struggling with self worth and all of the stuff that you can imagine might surface when all the hundreds and hundreds of applications go unresponded to.

So we are both feeling a bit raw today, bracing for an uncomfortable morning and what will surely be a tear filled afternoon. Have case worker/evaluation stories? Bring ‘em. Or just tell me something that will distract me from constantly thinking about how bad it might be…

Just a quick post to show you what we have been working on over here. And when I say, “we” I mean W has been doing the work and the rest of us have just been dealing with the aftermath…

Meet W’s new tooth:

Why yes I am Irish, among other things. In a few days you may kiss me, pinch me, buy me a beer frothed with a clover, offer me a sip of your shamrock shake, and do your best jig.

One of the things I loved when I lived in New York was the insanely large and chaotic St. Patrick’s Day parade. While obviously celebrating those with a touch of the Irish, I adored that it was pretty much just a long party train of “celebrate yourself”. That bagpipes play in the parade should be your first hint that nothing is totally about being authentically Ireland Irish. But for a few hours, as the crowds parading down the street outnumber the crowds standing, cheering and drinking on the sidewalks, everyone is Irish. (ahem..well not everyone according to the people that plan the private parade. tsk, tsk)

It makes me wonder about how we celebrate and or embrace other cultures and heritages. And what bit of our friends’ heritage we envy or admire. Recently some friends were getting ready for Purim celebrations and I found myself totally pining to be a part of such a cool holiday. The food! The costumes! The drama! I think I just love the idea that a person could come from a family line so rich in tradition.

I have been watching the NBC series Who Do You Think You Are and looooooving it. Ya’ll know that Grandmother was pretty much our family’s genealogist by trade and our family is incredibly lucky to have charts and records that go way, way back. But not everyone is so lucky and most people need to do a bit of digging to find their story.

The thread of the show that I really groove on is the (not always obvious) notion that the people that are on our family trees are more than just a collection of names. They have their own rich stories just waiting to be discovered. And many of these stories are mind blowing. I won’t even spoil them because if you haven’t seen the two episodes that have aired you absolutely should. (hulu, baby)

And now a question about where you are from. This list of ethnic heritages is from an archive genealogy site so hopefully it covers the world in a non-offensively descriptive way. (you can select up to 4) In the comments I’d love to know what other culture you would love to have been born into and why. Just because.

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The past week was honestly a bit of a haze. I pushed myself to get out of the house, socialize, be active, be present, be a part of the world at large. But it was hard. So very hard. I honestly have never known fatigue like this before. Ever. Just turning from one position to another while sleeping hurts in such a non pain like way. My head has been in a cloudy fog and I have just been feeling dim.

Thursday night, just to show me that there is always a basement level to whatever “bottom” you are experiencing, I succumbed to such an evil gut bug that I was blind with pain. Gut bug decided to go to town on every part of me and it won.

I arrived at my mid Friday morning doctor’s appointment empty and a shell of a person. I contemplated canceling it because just riding in the car was a pain and I honestly didn’t know if it was the bug or this other thing.

Oh but I am much better at not caving in to the desire to shut out the world and I recruited Mother to drive and entertain W during my appointment.

The appointment was very informational. The height issue is still pretty much a WTF, shoulder shrug, thing so I am going to celebrate my increased Amazon Woman status and let any worries about that go. (the test for excess human growth hormone was all fine) I am very depleted in Vitamin D, and apparently so are you. Seriously. Turns out many, many people are these days and it is wrecking havoc on us. There is a total link between people that are depressed and people that are lacking in D. I have been put on a prescription dose that I will take for once a week for a couple of months. I call it my sunshine pill. Pale people of the world rejoice.

The other stuff we talked about was the nest of auto-immune issues that are lighting up for me. We talked about how to specifically treat the Hashimoto’s and what I can expect from the medication. I am on a synthetic thyroid medicine now with the goal to get my number to 1. I still don’t quite get the thyroid number stuff but I will learn. I go back in 6 weeks for blood work to see how things are going. I am also to call if I feel no changes. This stuff should help evaporate many of my health complaints right now but since I am taking generic there can be a wide range of pill types and not every kind works for every person. la dee da

So here is where I quietly wonder if maybe the medication is already working. I mean can it really work that fast? I still feel incredibly tired and slow, but it was easier to wake up today than it was yesterday. And to me that is progress.

This morning Mother has taken W to a little church down the road. They went last week so I could sleep (yay) and had such a nice time they decided to go again. (& then grocery shop- double yay) There is a lot of singing and a lot of kids so W enjoyed it. I’m still tiptoeing around church and faith but W is this brand new person and I like the idea of him being around joyful noise.

Today I dressed him in the suit that we had purchased for him to wear to Grandmother’s funeral. Only the tie and vest fit at the time, but now he wears it well. But I have to admit it brought back a lot of stuff to see him in it.

Hurrah! We went to the zoo! And holy heck are my legs sore from all of the uphill walking. It was a very nice day with Mother, W, and friends. Casual, mellow, why don’t we sit down and relax, kind of zoo experience. A lot of exhibits were closed for renovations and lots of active construction was going on. But if there was something to see I unbuckled W and pointed and gestured and tilted my head towards it and maybe 70% of the time he saw the animal.

I think I was looking for a bigger reaction out of him. Watching a cat bathe cracks him up so you would think that the small mammal exhibit would rock his world. But he was sort of, “meh” about things. Certainly more interested in people watching or trying to get N or V’s attention.

I guess the more he becomes aware the more he will enjoy it. I wish I could promise you amazing photos but taking pictures fell behind so that I could hold W. I’ll share what I have, but I am guessing you will be most impressed by W’s new hat trick that he has mastered.

Thank you for the really great, helpful, and encouraging comments and e-mails regarding my thyroid issues. Many of you brought up a question that I have on my list as well- how the frack does a wonky thyroid get you an increase in height. I honestly don’t know. Don’t know if they are connected or if it is the result of something else or maybe because I am single and don’t get to live in a world where push gifts happen, it’s the Universe’s way of giving me a trinket. No diamonds for me, thank you very much, but I can totally dust that ceiling fan for you.

I do know that the increase in my height was one of the reasons why a massive amount of blood work was ordered. The biggie we were looking for was evidence of excessive growth hormone. I guess I’ll find out on Friday what happened there.

Monday I had plans to haul my ass and family to the zoo. It was a beautiful day, the zoo is reachable by metro, and best of all the place is FREE! But I was smacked upside the head by exhaustion. Total body consumed exhaustion. I don’t know if it is happening more often or if I am just more aware of it, but it honestly feels like I am moving under water. The worst is waking up and still feeling exhausted.

Needless to say the zoo didn’t happen Monday. It didn’t happen yesterday either as Mother had some appointments. One of those appointments being a giant job fair in Virgina. She looked beautiful, armed herself with her beautiful resumes, and braved face through a sea of teenagers about to leap into the job market. She met with as many HR people as she could, scored a really cool bouncy ball for W from a power company, and tried to find a positive side to the day.

That’s the thing about Mom- it’s been over a year of this shit and yet she is able to face each day with abundant hope. Because one day, one day is going to be THE day that turns all of this around. One day someone is going to call her in and find out how amazing and talented and fantastic and awesome and genius she is. And then they will leap to have her on their team. And then we can get back to living life and not flinching around it.

A friend (that is affiliated with the HR world and has a great blog) interviewed Mom as part of a series. And reading Mom’s interview made me laugh and made me cry and it just made me feel so amazed that she is keeping it together as well as she is. (I’d link to it but it’s all real names and stuff. But if you are in the HR world do leave a comment or e-mail.)

While Mother braved the lines and crowds at the job fair W and I went for a walk. I was craving it, it was a beautiful day for it, and so off we went. No ipod, just the periodic sound of W laughing at the crunch of gravel underneath the stroller wheels. The sun heated up my face and sweat beaded up at the nape of my neck and I just kept on walking. I walked until I hurt. Which was pretty stupid, but I honestly didn’t know when or how to stop.

Which brings us to today. Today we are going to the zoo. For real.

I have been alluding to some medical issues recently, not quite ready to elaborate. Mostly because it seemed like my little bits of stuff was typical-ish. Nothing special or extreme. Nothing to warrant much of a concern. When I found out that I was granted state medical coverage when W was I was pleased, but not because I thought anything was really wrong. I just thought it would be nice to not have to use a coupon to get a pap smear. Good to have a physical performed by someone that wasn’t mostly concerned with either getting me pregnant, staying pregnant or giving birth.

I have been to the doctor twice now, have had multiple visits to the blood lab, and oddly enough I have yet to have that pap smear.

These appointments have been like hunting and gathering. A simple question of, “do you have any questions or concerns about your health?” evolves into a fireside chat. At the first visit we discussed my weight, more specifically my total inability to lose it. You know how a lot of women lose weight after birth? And you know how some women lose weight when breastfeeding? Um, neither of those happened for me. No matter how much or little I ate, how much or how little I walked around the block, my weight clung to me.

But I figured this was sort of average. I have read lots of articles in women’s magazines about not being able to drop “baby weight”, how our bodies can completely and totally change shape. So my weight issues felt like a superficial complaint.

I also talked about how I felt like my anti-depressant medication wasn’t working, how I just felt so sluggish and tired all of the time, how my joints seemed sore all of the time. Again- things that just seemed typical to someone 2 degrees away from being homeless, and 11 months post birth, after 5 years of infertility, and nearly 6 months mourning the loss of a loved one.

But then we looked at my blood work. And we factored in the freaky reality that I have grown a full inch in height since giving birth to W. And more tests were ordered. More detailed questions asked.

The wonderful thing is that while I am fat, I do not have fat blood. No warning bells for heart disease or diabetes or cholesterol issues. But something was wonky. I bet some of you already guessed it. Thyroid problems.

It took the second blood tests to confirm the issue and from that I was given a very specific diagnosis of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. (Hashimoto? Isn’t he an Iron Chef??) Also found out that I have rheumatoid arthritis- which just makes me feel OLD. It all adds up to one not so fun party of autoimmune disorders going on in my body.

Now I know what you are thinking- EVERY fat girl thinks they have a thyroid problem. Turns out this one actually does. I’m just thrilled that it seems like some of the problems I was dealing with are most likely not a resurfacing of the intracranial hypertension hell I went through a few years ago.

Some of the problems that I have could dissipate easily with one pill a day (that I will probably have to take for the rest of my life). It sucks to have a myriad of seemingly unconnected symptoms, but to then have them all woven together to point to something fixable is fantastic. (oh & wouldn’t you know fertility is one of the things affected…)

I go back to my doctor later this week and we will begin the treatment conversation. I can not wait to feel better.