Hurrah! We went to the zoo! And holy heck are my legs sore from all of the uphill walking. It was a very nice day with Mother, W, and friends. Casual, mellow, why don’t we sit down and relax, kind of zoo experience. A lot of exhibits were closed for renovations and lots of active construction was going on. But if there was something to see I unbuckled W and pointed and gestured and tilted my head towards it and maybe 70% of the time he saw the animal.

I think I was looking for a bigger reaction out of him. Watching a cat bathe cracks him up so you would think that the small mammal exhibit would rock his world. But he was sort of, “meh” about things. Certainly more interested in people watching or trying to get N or V’s attention.

I guess the more he becomes aware the more he will enjoy it. I wish I could promise you amazing photos but taking pictures fell behind so that I could hold W. I’ll share what I have, but I am guessing you will be most impressed by W’s new hat trick that he has mastered.

Thank you for the really great, helpful, and encouraging comments and e-mails regarding my thyroid issues. Many of you brought up a question that I have on my list as well- how the frack does a wonky thyroid get you an increase in height. I honestly don’t know. Don’t know if they are connected or if it is the result of something else or maybe because I am single and don’t get to live in a world where push gifts happen, it’s the Universe’s way of giving me a trinket. No diamonds for me, thank you very much, but I can totally dust that ceiling fan for you.

I do know that the increase in my height was one of the reasons why a massive amount of blood work was ordered. The biggie we were looking for was evidence of excessive growth hormone. I guess I’ll find out on Friday what happened there.

Monday I had plans to haul my ass and family to the zoo. It was a beautiful day, the zoo is reachable by metro, and best of all the place is FREE! But I was smacked upside the head by exhaustion. Total body consumed exhaustion. I don’t know if it is happening more often or if I am just more aware of it, but it honestly feels like I am moving under water. The worst is waking up and still feeling exhausted.

Needless to say the zoo didn’t happen Monday. It didn’t happen yesterday either as Mother had some appointments. One of those appointments being a giant job fair in Virgina. She looked beautiful, armed herself with her beautiful resumes, and braved face through a sea of teenagers about to leap into the job market. She met with as many HR people as she could, scored a really cool bouncy ball for W from a power company, and tried to find a positive side to the day.

That’s the thing about Mom- it’s been over a year of this shit and yet she is able to face each day with abundant hope. Because one day, one day is going to be THE day that turns all of this around. One day someone is going to call her in and find out how amazing and talented and fantastic and awesome and genius she is. And then they will leap to have her on their team. And then we can get back to living life and not flinching around it.

A friend (that is affiliated with the HR world and has a great blog) interviewed Mom as part of a series. And reading Mom’s interview made me laugh and made me cry and it just made me feel so amazed that she is keeping it together as well as she is. (I’d link to it but it’s all real names and stuff. But if you are in the HR world do leave a comment or e-mail.)

While Mother braved the lines and crowds at the job fair W and I went for a walk. I was craving it, it was a beautiful day for it, and so off we went. No ipod, just the periodic sound of W laughing at the crunch of gravel underneath the stroller wheels. The sun heated up my face and sweat beaded up at the nape of my neck and I just kept on walking. I walked until I hurt. Which was pretty stupid, but I honestly didn’t know when or how to stop.

Which brings us to today. Today we are going to the zoo. For real.

I have been alluding to some medical issues recently, not quite ready to elaborate. Mostly because it seemed like my little bits of stuff was typical-ish. Nothing special or extreme. Nothing to warrant much of a concern. When I found out that I was granted state medical coverage when W was I was pleased, but not because I thought anything was really wrong. I just thought it would be nice to not have to use a coupon to get a pap smear. Good to have a physical performed by someone that wasn’t mostly concerned with either getting me pregnant, staying pregnant or giving birth.

I have been to the doctor twice now, have had multiple visits to the blood lab, and oddly enough I have yet to have that pap smear.

These appointments have been like hunting and gathering. A simple question of, “do you have any questions or concerns about your health?” evolves into a fireside chat. At the first visit we discussed my weight, more specifically my total inability to lose it. You know how a lot of women lose weight after birth? And you know how some women lose weight when breastfeeding? Um, neither of those happened for me. No matter how much or little I ate, how much or how little I walked around the block, my weight clung to me.

But I figured this was sort of average. I have read lots of articles in women’s magazines about not being able to drop “baby weight”, how our bodies can completely and totally change shape. So my weight issues felt like a superficial complaint.

I also talked about how I felt like my anti-depressant medication wasn’t working, how I just felt so sluggish and tired all of the time, how my joints seemed sore all of the time. Again- things that just seemed typical to someone 2 degrees away from being homeless, and 11 months post birth, after 5 years of infertility, and nearly 6 months mourning the loss of a loved one.

But then we looked at my blood work. And we factored in the freaky reality that I have grown a full inch in height since giving birth to W. And more tests were ordered. More detailed questions asked.

The wonderful thing is that while I am fat, I do not have fat blood. No warning bells for heart disease or diabetes or cholesterol issues. But something was wonky. I bet some of you already guessed it. Thyroid problems.

It took the second blood tests to confirm the issue and from that I was given a very specific diagnosis of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. (Hashimoto? Isn’t he an Iron Chef??) Also found out that I have rheumatoid arthritis- which just makes me feel OLD. It all adds up to one not so fun party of autoimmune disorders going on in my body.

Now I know what you are thinking- EVERY fat girl thinks they have a thyroid problem. Turns out this one actually does. I’m just thrilled that it seems like some of the problems I was dealing with are most likely not a resurfacing of the intracranial hypertension hell I went through a few years ago.

Some of the problems that I have could dissipate easily with one pill a day (that I will probably have to take for the rest of my life). It sucks to have a myriad of seemingly unconnected symptoms, but to then have them all woven together to point to something fixable is fantastic. (oh & wouldn’t you know fertility is one of the things affected…)

I go back to my doctor later this week and we will begin the treatment conversation. I can not wait to feel better.

Am attempting my first “tweet through the Oscars”. If you are on twitter give a wave! I am @calliopeblogger

I finally get it. Why people that live in colder climates go ape-shit bananas when there is a hint of warmth and sunshine. When we lived in Florida there was nothing but heat and humidity. But being in a place that has more than one kind of weather situation is good times. I can adore the snow and then when the sun comes out I can actually appreciate it.

Yesterday Mother, W & I went to a local park. According to the park’s website it featured: a carousel, putt putt golf, a train, a massive playground for all ages, a nature trail, a nature center, and a farm. Sadly the carousel, putt putt and train were closed for the season but everything else was open for business.

We began by walking to the nature center and tried not to crash Jamal’s birthday party. The center had a really cool owl exhibit with real live owls looking down at us. It also featured a cool hang out place where you could watch silly squirrels and dive bombing doves fight over sunflower seeds. W was thrilled. He is really into being amused by animals right now and it just cracks me up to watch him be thrilled.

The most exciting part of our day was when we ventured out to the farm. W locked eyes on a giant bunny and just laughed and laughed. Also a guest at his comedy club was a loud pot bellied pig. I watched W study all the animals and delighted in his appreciation of them.

Tomorrow we take it up a notch. That’s right- W’s first trip to a zoo!

How is the weather where you are today? If you’ve got sunshine going on how are you receiving it?

Tomorrow a post about medical mysteries…ooooooh!

Sometimes life is cruel. I have discovered a totally unintentional cruel moment. Now I can vouch that playtex is a fine product, but if you are going through The Treatments do yourself a favor and don’t look at the wrapper. A very amusing post about the wrappers is here (found by googling) and it showcases all of the wrappers in their brilliance.

But to wrap it up (heh) these wrappers come with some pretty obnoxious messages. Messages that would totally mess with your head if you were dealing with infertility. Some of the choice ones are, “practice makes perfect”, “peak performance…always!”, and the totally unawesome, “what’s your game plan?”

But it got me thinking, in the land of inappropriate that is sometimes my brain, how brilliant it would be if there was a tampon marketed to the angry and frustrated group of women that don’t really need a pep talk for their vagina.

Here is an example of one of the messages: “Just Go”

So if you were granted a day at the tampon factory (shudders. because I just realized there probably IS such a thing!) what sort of message would you put on the wrapper? I’ll come back and share (via photoshop) some of your suggestions.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still a massive lover of the snow, but oh my lawd has this pocket of sunshine been wonderful. Glorious even. Usually such bright light illuminates all of the gunk in my life, all of the unkempt chaos itching away at me. But today I allowed the sun to be warmth, comfort, easy.

The turn in mood began yesterday afternoon when an e-mail arrived letting us know that we had won a local lottery. No, not a monetary, balloons and megaphones kind of lottery, but a once in a lifetime Willy Wonka kind of lottery: we got tickets to the White House Egg Roll. Suddenly there was something huge and exciting to look forward to. Something to plan for.

It also helped de-stress something that I had been stressing about: W’s first birthday. I have been cringing about it. Not necessarily over the beautiful passage of time, but because when you are literally living out of your suitcase, etc planning a party, or even thinking about planning a party is just something of a novelty and not an actuality.

(& I absolutely know that first birthdays are not really for the kids, but for the parents, but I can’t deny that I didn’t have a wee bit of pining and sadness over not being able to DO anything to mark the day in any sort of grand way…)

But now. Now! Birthday party at the White House. Yay!

Today I went over to LJ’s house to sit at her beautifully shod feet and soak up all of the learning that she has been getting in her digital photography classes. I am totally self taught with my own camera and don’t know much about being in control of a shot. We spent just about the entire day following W & V around the house and the yard photographing them in various settings and getting beyond geeked out about light.

Yes. Light. Total aha moment about that as I was driving back. I have been in search of, in a quest for, light. I am sitting in the dark and scary shadows of my life right now just craving the light. So having a moment where I could control, and dare I say harness, the light was empowering beyond words. I don’t know how to put this power into my actual life.

Which is why I am thinking my increase in medication might be working. Because I want to be in the light, I want to be optimistic and hopeful. I need to be. I must be.

Here is a photo of the alphabet boys in LJ’s yard. An elderly lady walked by and asked if they were twins. Which of course is just all kinds of funny.

(by the way my limericks are up for a vote over at Weebles Webblog…you know, if you want to vote for me or something. No pressure. cough*cough)

Thank goodness I have so much great company in the fort. I have dragged an extension card in here so that I can update a bit. There is honestly just so much in my worry jar that I wouldn’t know how to begin. Huge stuff and small stuff. And nothing that I can really do anything about as it all falls under the dreaded, “wait and see” subheading. One of the life lessons the universe is teaching me is how to surrender control. I’m not so good at that. It’s also hard for me to accept that just when you think you have hit bottom you discover the basement.

If/when I can I will drag you all into the angst, but for now just know that your company and kindness is going a long way.

These past couple of days have been a bit busy. W had a playdate, I had some appointments in Baltimore and now W is dealing with his first cold (ever).

Want to know an awful baby combination? Molar teething meets snot. Basically W’s face was a gross dripping mess for several days and now whenever he sees me hold a burp cloth he squirms away because he dreads the awful face blotting. He is handling the sick pretty well- mostly just a slowed down version of normal. You would think that he would nap more or longer but hell no. Even in the haze of sick he can battle the nap. Seriously it seems like every fricken nap is cried out. Exhausting…

The playdate was a blast. W’s pal, Miles, is a month younger but was crawling ages before W ever considered it. The boys were so funny together and I loved watching them interact. I also loved the fantastic homemade pizza that M’s Moms, Strawberry & Nutella, made.

I went up to Baltimore to have my hearing checked. Whaaaaa??? Oh yes, I am totally having problems hearing. It isn’t that sounds are gone, but more that I either can’t understand them or if there are sounds behind me sounds in front of me become garbled or painful to hear. The test was interesting. W bounced on my knee while I had all kinds of wires and contraptions on my head. We were sealed in a soundproof room and beyond the tonal testing I also had word deciphering tests done. The verdict was what I had expected: I have hearing issues. BUT something like a hearing aid would probably not be effective as it would only amplify the very thing that is causing me pain. Most likely it is a nuero thing- meaning how my brain is picking up the sounds vs how my ears are working. It’s all just information that will be passed on to nuero when I have that get together.

After my appointment we were able to walk the labyrinth that is set up at Johns Hopkins. It was rainy and cloudy, but refreshing to be wrapped up in such a familiar and comforting pattern. Mother quietly walked the path and W and I just soaked it all in.

Photo grid time! You should be able to see the smaller sized photos if you are reading this via a reader, but if you want to see them larger (& the way that I think looks best) you will need to click through to the site. For some reason clicking on an image from a reader doesn’t really make the photo larger. But on the site they are set up to be all pretty and presentational. oooooh.

You are welcome for not going into allllll the details of my anxiety right now but my anxiety cup runneth over. Like total double d’s of anxiety in a victoria secret zebra print demi cup.  Maybe I will vent/purge/share when I am not so emotional, but I just felt the need to put it out there- I’m not in such a great place.

A group of friends call this time “going into the blanket tent”. When the world is falling down around you sometimes the most comforting place is under a make-shift fort made out of old blankets. But it can get dark in there, and lonely. And I do have an awful habit of boxing away and retreating when things get really hard. So instead of crawling into the fort on my own I am leaving a flap of blanket flipped up so that some light or friendly faces can shine in.

This is the first year I am attempting this so try to keep your mocking to a dull roar. Below are my official entries into Lori’s Limerick Chick Contest. You know you want to give it a try!

There is a gal in Florida
She keeps me laughing so I don’t get a bored-a
Here We Go Again
Fun in the sun with Jen
Her snow days are always avoided

*****

Hanging out in fuzzy pajamas
Photographing Two Hot Mamas
They rock out to Ziggy
Now that they have their Figgy
Life is sweet and a lovely new genre