I love this writing prompt from the PAIL bloggers group: Where do babies come from?
Of my close group of friends over 50% of those that are parents did not have The Sex in order to achieve parenthood. Our parental status was achieved through various methods that range from adoption to gamete donation.
About a year ago a group of my girlfriends and I were lounging about LJ’s living room and watching our kids play. It suddenly dawned on us just how unique and special our parenting stories are. And our one friend that made babies from The Sex had just as many set backs and complications as those of us using “alternative reproduction”.
Since every child has a different beginning I love that PAIL is collecting some of these unique stories. Like I always say – there is no normal.
where do babies come from: the W version
It took love, technology, and luck to make W. It took time and patience and emotional support from friends.
Now let’s get down to the logistics. I have written before about the amount of money that was involved in my pathway to motherhood. I shared that information just to be upfront about the practicalities. For me, the biggest hurdle, after the lack of sperm, is not having fertility medical coverage or ready funds for attempts.
(Confession: If I had the money I would be calling the clinic today to try again.)
W was created in a lab in the Northeast. His embryo was part of several embryos that were created after my December, 2007 IVF. These embryos were created by using both “traditional” fertilization and ICSI fertilization. Since I had been diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” the clinic and I had no idea what egg issues I might be bringing to the table. The fertilization rate was a surprise to many.
That December IVF became the unpregnancy – aka a chemical pregnancy that totally gutted me.
In the early Spring of 2008 the internet got me pregnant with W. It’s true. Whenever you hear about awful, horrible things happening online – things like people being bullied or targeted- I want you to remember that the flip side of that is the infertility blogging community. Seriously. Every time you read something and think, “oh those anonymous trolls!!” and tsk with sadness, think about the hundreds of people who rallied around my uterus and helped me achieve the most amazing miracle I have ever known.
Amazing people are connected to where W came from. People I may never know in person.
I was able to have a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in the Summer of 2008. It was a super smooth cycle (I can say this now that I know what UNsmooth looks like!) and I was thrilled when beta after beta and then ultrasound after ultrasound revealed that W was happening.
How I explain to W how he was made:
(with the cycles of 2012 I had lots of time to finesse to this the way that feels right)
“Mama took medicine to help her make seeds. Doctors combined Mama’s seeds with a donor’s seeds and baby seeds were made! It can cost a lot of money to help turn those baby seeds into babies. A lot of people from all over the world helped Mama save money to plant your baby seed in me. Doctors put the baby seed inside of Mama’s tummy and then we waited to see if you were going to grow and grow and grow. You did! And here you are!
Sometimes baby seeds don’t grow or they grow in the wrong place and doctors have to help. We just don’t know why some baby seeds become babies and some do not. It is so special when it does. YOU are so special and Mama is so lucky.
where do babies come from?
What is the story that you know? What is the story that you tell others or your children? It’s so important that, when possible, we talk openly about all of the different ways children come into our lives. I’d love to hear your story.
UPDATED
Some friends of mind just told me about this book that will be released in the Spring of this year. I just watched the video and I immediately pre-ordered it. I can not wait to read it to W!
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I have to agree with your assessment of the Internet. I have met life-changingly wonderful people here, not just anonymous jerks. And I can BLOCK those.
Question: why “seeds” and not “eggs, sperm and embryos?” Why not “uterus” instead of “tummy?”
good question!
I will evolve to using the correct terms – but “seeds” and “tummy” work for us now because they are not totally abstract. Using a gardening approach was what helped him understand the ectopic.
It is a little tricky for them to wrap their heads around it. We have adoption to talk about, which means we have pre-adoption to talk about. I have always said eggs and sperm and uterus, but the kids are still incredulous about the “egg” part, since they can’t seem to believe that all eggs are not the omelette kind…
Uterus is abstract? As a biology teacher using tummy or stomach for uterus grates on me. But my biology and anatomy books are constantly being perused at our house.
We use proper names for all external organs in my house, but the internal organs do indeed get abstract for my 3 year old twins. Personally I say that they were in my belly (and I only ever use belly to mean the place where babies grow, never as stomach) rather than tummy since tummies are for food, not babies. If I had it to do over I might have used abdomen rather than belly.
We’ll get to uterus once they can grasp some of the other internal organs like lungs. So far they seem to get confused at the very idea that we have insides.
And so far they’ve never thought to ask how they got into my belly, so sperm and eggs haven’t come up yet. I foresee the same omelette confusion that Shannon describes.
we’re not there yet, either. we just talk about how mamas have special parts that can grow and feed* babies. sort of dreading the conversation since it may raise interesting questions about our daughter’s (absent) birth father. we also have to field questions about why her sister grew inside mama but she did not.
*my 3.5yo also refuses to say “breasts.” she likes to say boobies instead.
great post! i guess i’ve never really thought about explaining to my kids about how babes are made. my kids came to be via The Sex. first time around we tried after a few too many corona’s at the cottage, and the other we were careless one night and ended up with a HUGE surprise. (with my second pregnancy i also found out i had a brain tumour, which complicated things tremendously. you can read all about that on my blog.)
i will start to incorporate other ways of kids joining their families. thanks!
since I was taking medication (including daily injections) and going to multiple doctor appointments at the fertility clinic I wanted to explain what was going on. it was a great opportunity to talk to W about how he came to be. I am very open about my journey and want W to feel just as comfortable. (plus many of his close friends have fantastic creation stories – so good opportunity to begin the “everyone is different” talks)
My 2 1/2 year old said, kind of out of the blue, the other day, “I grew in your tummy.” So I explained that he was right, and then told him this, since he is the result of embryo donation: There was another family who wanted to have babies, and when they were finished making their family, they gave their leftover seeds, called embryos, to me. The doctor put a tiny, tiny seed–a little embryo–in my belly, and that seed grew and grew and became you!
For right now, that’s what he can (kind of) understand, and it’s the beginning of our talks about his beginning. I want him to just grow up knowing about it, instead of having some big revelation one day. There will be more details as we retell it, but for now, I felt like the conversation went well.
Great idea, by the way!
isn’t it great to have these GREAT stories?!
By the way – I should introduce you to another blogger that started her family the same way you did.
Right now we’re sticking with “sometimes, honey, when two women love each other VERY much, they give a doctor alllllll their money and he gives them a baby”. As Small Boy gets a bit bigger we might expand on that.
That was, incidentally, what I told my father when I told him I was pregnant and he (kind but surprised/clueless) asked “How?” Worked just fine.
ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
This cracked me up.
I love W’ story! It has just sparked me to have a story similar to this when my son J begins to ask. He has asked about where his “Dad” is but thats a whole other post!
somehow W has not questioned the lack of ‘Dad’ in his home. I think part of it is that he has so many friends with different family dynamics. W’s dynamic is a Mama, a Lolly, and a cat and he has friends that have two Mamas and no cats and friends that have a Mama and a Daddy and a Grandmother and a cat and a dog… families!
I love your explanation to W. We haven’t had that conversation with R yet, but will keep this in mind to discuss with JD when we do get to that time.
Every year at Hanukkah I take some chocolates or fancy biscuits tot he IVF clinic to thank them for my December baby (now 4). This year I took her with me and told her we were going to meet the doctor and nurses who helped me have her. I said that when you were a tiny tiny seed they put you in my tummy and then you grew bigger and bigger until you were a big enough baby. Then they took you out and gave you to me. She thought for a moment and then said: Oh, where you had a hole? Until then I hadn’t lied but courage failed me and I answered: my belly button.
I love this. And W, your internet-baby.
That is one of my favorite moments of my entire internet life — which dates back to 1988, I might add.
I’ve told the kids a similar story to yours, minus the internet love part and using both metaphoric and medically accurate language. But I feel like I need to add in some info about The Sex now that they are getting bigger. I came to this conclusion recently after Josie explained to me that God, who is a girl, draws pictures of us and then squishes them down to be itty bitty seeds, which then grow inside mommies’ tummies.
I think your journey has been awe inspiring.
I agree that openness is so important. It was also amazing to me how many people I met on this journey, regardless of where my path took me I’ve made some amazing friends.
A friend of mine was concieved via insemination with donor sperm, which her mother told her from a young age. The mother only realized much, much later that my friend now believed ALL babies were concieved this way.
Also: http://www.what-makes-a-baby.com/
My daughter was conceived via The Sex but we were in the process of doing the The Clomid Challenge testing for IVF so she was a complete surprise. She is 5 now and has been called The Miracle Baby by many and is used to hearing it. We were at church a couple of weeks ago and one of the leaders of her class asked what a miracle is and was answered with “a miracle is something that you can’t achieve without God’s help.” She looked at me and loud whispered “THAT’S ME!” Yes ma’am it is…in addition to lots of fun medicines.
I am still using the terms belly, bottom, etc. And I love the analogy of seeds growing in your tummy. I think we bombard our children with way too much information and they lose their innocence way too early.
Prayers to you that you can come up with the funds sooner than later to complete your sweet little family!
My favorite is to hear The Who decoding and working it all out. We read the Silverberg often (I got in under the wire on Kickstarter, so I have had a copy for months) and it leaves so much room for personalization without glossing over or negating any other experiences. Recently, The Who talked about the three grownups in his life: Mama, Mommy, and the “Owner” (Donor) which was something he knew about from a conversation that grew out of reading the book. Then we got to talk about the potential differences between just being someone who has sperm and someone who is a parent. It’s also a really great, subtle intro to discussion trans people and trans-parenting, which he will certainly encounter in our circle of friends.
One of my sisters friends is pregnant with twins via IVF using a donors sperm and her egg. I think it’s amazing that technology allows us to do this, women and men who otherwise wouldn’t have been able to be parents are able to! LOVE IT!!
I had never read your story before, it touched my heart. xoxo I really wish that fertility treatments were a covered medical expense. If insurance will pay to prevent pregnancy, why not to create it?
I love your explanation in using seeds to grow a baby and it’s so heart warming to read that the interwebs helped make it all happen for you!
I will forever think of your baby seeds story and I love your cabbage patch image! My oldest daughters were born during the Cabbage Patch baby (doll) crazy. When people were stealing them from your shopping carts at Christmas crazy. They both have one. But I’m not crazy. I just know where to shop. Your story is lovely. So is your writing.
Wow. I just watched the video. I hope he gets the funding. I am off to share that now too.
I love love LOVE this. And I love you. Hoping for another baby seed for you soon xo
I love your explanation. It’s not complicated or scary or overly emotional, which making a baby, no matter the road you take always is.
I loved having that talk with my kids because I didn’t have to mention sex, especially because he was way too young for that conversation when he started asking about how babies are born. I said that he wasn’t made in the “regular” way but I’d tell him how he was born. A doctor took the part of mommy that makes a baby and the part of daddy that makes a baby, mixed them together and put them back inside of mommy so he could grow and get ready to be born. That was all he needed to hear at the time and it worked like a charm.
our girls have SUCH very different stories on how they came to be!
for now the biggest distinctions are that baby Z was born to me and came early and that Jaye grew in her birthmama’s belly and was right on time. J still doesn’t realize that it takes man parts to make a baby. as I mention above I imagine that will prompt some interesting issues for us.
definitely wanted to check out that book!
I love hearing your story. Praying you get another chance at planting the baby seed.
xoxo
The Embryo Adoption Awareness Center has a couple of sensational webinars that are geared to the topic of helping parents tell their kids about their donor origins. These are NOT only related to donor embryo, but include gamete donor conception as well.
Please find the link below:
https://nightlightevents.webex.com/nightlightevents/lsr.php?AT=pb&SP=EC&rID=5396567&rKey=38a286e429ac604f
There is also a link on the website regarding “Telling Older Kids”.
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