When I was in the 2nd grade my Mother was a 1st year law student. I spent many afternoons in the student lounge at the law school and as I played with my catalogue paper dolls I subliminally picked up on language that was less than ideal. I had no idea what most of the “bad words” meant but I could easily decipher advanced name calling.
I say all of this as a way to maybe explain what happened. But it doesn’t make it any easier to share with you.
When I was 8 years old I got frustrated by a girl shoving me in the lunch line. Since I wasn’t a physical kind of gal I reached into my word bank and unleashed a word. I yelled at her, “fag!”
I had no idea what I had said, no idea what it meant, the weight that the word carried. But the girl, the one that had been stepping on the back of my Keds, jumped back as if I had launched a canon at her gut. I didn’t know what the word meant – but she did. And so the damage was done.
This is No Name-Calling week, an annual week created by GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) to promote activities aimed at ending name-calling.
One of the things that awful moment (that I created!) from my childhood taught me is that I need to know words. I need to know the horrible, cruel, offensive, wrong, evil words. I need to know what they mean. I plan on teaching W the power that words have and I hope to create a home where he feels comfortable coming to me with questions.
I remember coming home after school and telling my Mom what had happened. I explained that I used a word to hurt someone. She explained what the word meant. I was ashamed.
Even though I was told to apologize to the girl at school the moment a teacher heard what had happened I made a point to apologize to her the next day as well. Before I was apologizing because she was upset. Once I knew what the word meant I needed to apologize for hurting her.
Words hurt.
I am still haunted by words that were said to me in various moments of my life. I imagine many of us have scars.
I feel like these kinds of weeks are reminders of how we can do things better with our kids. GLSEN has put together a resource page geared towards teaching the message: think before you speak.
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I remember in summer camp we all called each other ‘dildos’. I had no idea what it meant. Then someone told me and I was like WHAT!? What are those for? Sigh.
This is SO true. I remember that whole sticks and stones crap recited back at me whenever I told my mom about something someone said that hurt my feelings. I also remember reaching a point as an adult where I realized what a bunch of crap that saying was because words can in fact hurt.
I think verbal abuse/attacks or whatever you would like to call it, are way worse than physical. Words carry so much power one way or the other. Growing up I was on the receiving end of some horrible name calling. So when I would get angry with my sisters I would call them a name and then instantly regret it. I knew how it felt. I think it is great that folks are teaching their kids to think before they speak.
Oh. My. Gosh. A few weeks ago, the same thing happened to my son. Or should I say he DID the same thing. Accept they were boys. And he said the “N” word.
When I cooled down enough to explain to him what that word meant, as well as the difference between “bad” words and “hurt” words, he was so sad about using that word he cried.
While it wasn’t my proudest moment as a parent, it was effect’s a teaching one. And I’m so thankful to know my son has this empathy and such a big heart. It sucks that he didn’t know a better way to react to that situation, but I’m glad he understands what “hurt” words are, and never wants to use them.
I fat-shamed a girl in 6th grade. I am so ashamed of it now. It was said in the heat of the moment of a fight and she had way more social clout than me, but still. I feel so bad. I can still picture the scene… Her being mean to me somehow… Me on the green stairs… And before I even knew I was going to say it, the most hurtful thing I could think of saying to this pretty, slightly-chubby girl. “Weight watchers is waiting, Priscilla!” Ugh. Who was that? That was not me.
You are lovely and kind and we all do and say dumb things when we’re young. I remember saying “fuck” in front of my parents and I got spanked and sent to my room. I think I was 7 or 8? I had NO IDEA what it mean. NONE. And I don’t think my parents explained it to me except to say that it was a bad word and inappropriate…
I love what you’re sharing here and how W will learn so much from you. You’re a wonderful mom! xoxoxo
This is such a powerful post, about something that so needs to be discussed out loud.
{Thank you for writing it.}
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