The impossibility of coasting

All of the colors and sounds of the world faded on friday. I was still and everyone else was fast. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, look at anyone. I didn’t want anyone to talk, see, or look at me. Your comments were helpful, beautiful, encouraging. They were also hard because I needed to start accepting that this is really happening. This isn’t some maybe or hypothetical worst case scenario – this is it. This is the end of this pregnancy. This is the end of the 2nd child dream. That bright hope and vision is gone.

That’s a lot to absorb.

Mom was amazing this weekend. She took W on so many adventures, created so many fun projects, made it possible for me to really check out for 48 hours.

This morning there was a task at hand. I had to find an OB-GYN office that would be able to see me through the end. I plugged in information into my insurance’s website and found a practice that was connected to a hospital that I had heard was ok. I have no idea if this is a hospital thing or a doctor’s office thing. I guess I will find out.

Having to talk to a scheduling department was hard. Answering the, “are you pregnant?” question was what tipped me into tears. I told her that I didn’t know how to answer that. She was very kind, put me on hold, came back and said that she was able to get me the first available appointment with an OB-GYN.

The appointment is friday.

I asked her to clarify – is this an appointment to meet with the doctor or is this an appointment for a, um, procedure. She explained that it was to meet with the doctor and that from there we could decide what next.

As much as I am relieved to have an appointment I am a bit disappointed that it is five days away. Five more days. By the time I see this doctor Tartan will have been dead for a week just floating around inside of me. It’s an image I can’t stop thinking about. It’s gross. But every time I feel a tug or pull or wave of nausea I imagine a murky swimming pool inside me sloshing with the end.

I have no idea how I am going to make it through the next days. No idea. I’m going to try to dive into work and hope that it distracts me. Somehow.

All I want to do is sleep and watch old episodes of NCIS.