It was a lovely gift to see a beautiful dusting of snow in my neighborhood this past Monday. It has snowed two more times since then. Nothing extreme, it always melts away or quickly turns into rain. But it makes me smile.
I have been thinking a lot about this year. On paper I can easily see how it has been hard, how it seems as if I failed a lot. And I did fail achieving a successful pregnancy. Twice. But this morning I was watching old videos of baby W and it hit me – it took me FIVE years to become his Mom. Five. I went through a lot of failures. I went through a lot of moments of sobbing that I would never have the strength to try again.
But I kept trying.
And that is what I did this year. I tried in the Spring and I almost succeeded. I mourned. I beat myself up. But instantly I knew that I would try again.
So I did. At the end of the Summer I was ready to try again. And I almost succeeded again. Got a little closer this time.
I have been sad and mourning for ages it seems. I have crumbled looking at holiday images of families with more than one child. I have shivered with sorrow reading updates of friends that are happily pregnant. I have raged at the Universe, “Why NOT me?!”
There is no answer.
My Mom is disassembling the crib. No need for it in 2013. That’s all I have to say about that.
— Dresden (@DresdenPlaid) December 22, 2012
This week Mom has helped me bring some things down to the basement. I had never moved the crib, had clung to clothes. I needed to get them out of sight.
The weird thing is, as soon as these items were not so visible I recognized that I wanted to try again. One more time. It’s all that I CAN do. I have enough embryos for one more attempt. It won’t be for a while because I have to save again and I have to heal again. But telling myself that it isn’t quite over is good. It is allowing me to not end this dream.
Something about the snow. It triggered a remembrance. 2007 was the year that these embryos were created. I was staying with a friend in her apartment in Philly and in the days between egg retrieval and embryo transfer it snowed. Just a bit, very similar to the snow of this week. It was a happy snow, an excited snow. It was fresh start and hope and the beginning of everything. Every embryo that I have was created while it snowed.
I have no idea how long it will take me to be ready (physically and financially and emotionally) but there is one more chance. One more hope. It will be like a whisper waiting for me.