It was a lovely gift to see a beautiful dusting of snow in my neighborhood this past Monday. It has snowed two more times since then. Nothing extreme, it always melts away or quickly turns into rain. But it makes me smile.
I have been thinking a lot about this year. On paper I can easily see how it has been hard, how it seems as if I failed a lot. And I did fail achieving a successful pregnancy. Twice. But this morning I was watching old videos of baby W and it hit me – it took me FIVE years to become his Mom. Five. I went through a lot of failures. I went through a lot of moments of sobbing that I would never have the strength to try again.
But I kept trying.
And that is what I did this year. I tried in the Spring and I almost succeeded. I mourned. I beat myself up. But instantly I knew that I would try again.
So I did. At the end of the Summer I was ready to try again. And I almost succeeded again. Got a little closer this time.
I have been sad and mourning for ages it seems. I have crumbled looking at holiday images of families with more than one child. I have shivered with sorrow reading updates of friends that are happily pregnant. I have raged at the Universe, “Why NOT me?!”
There is no answer.
My Mom is disassembling the crib. No need for it in 2013. That’s all I have to say about that.
— Dresden (@DresdenPlaid) December 22, 2012
This week Mom has helped me bring some things down to the basement. I had never moved the crib, had clung to clothes. I needed to get them out of sight.
The weird thing is, as soon as these items were not so visible I recognized that I wanted to try again. One more time. It’s all that I CAN do. I have enough embryos for one more attempt. It won’t be for a while because I have to save again and I have to heal again. But telling myself that it isn’t quite over is good. It is allowing me to not end this dream.
Something about the snow. It triggered a remembrance. 2007 was the year that these embryos were created. I was staying with a friend in her apartment in Philly and in the days between egg retrieval and embryo transfer it snowed. Just a bit, very similar to the snow of this week. It was a happy snow, an excited snow. It was fresh start and hope and the beginning of everything. Every embryo that I have was created while it snowed.
I have no idea how long it will take me to be ready (physically and financially and emotionally) but there is one more chance. One more hope. It will be like a whisper waiting for me.
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I hear it too. Sounds like a sweet future wind. (yay!)
I grew up in South Jersey (Deptford area), and my parents still live there; my dad still works in Philly. This was the first Christmas in my entire life that I didn’t spend it with my family – everyone in my family had the flu. That top picture could easily looks like it was taken right from my parents’ front door, looking down the street. I know how rare a White Christmas is in the Philly area – and it looks just lovely down there
Such a beautiful post – it’s not necessarily a fighter’s spirit, but a hopeful one. A resilient spirit. “Every embryo that I have was created while it snowed.” The self-awareness and keen observation in that statement is powerful stuff, indeed. Snow – and grief – will melt over time. The spring always returns.
Hope you had a wonderful Christmas with W and thinking of spring in your heart.
Right there with ya, Dresden. (just m/c #2, after the heart stopped at 8w). It sucks, sucks, sucks… but at least it sucks a lot less than the m/c I had while trying to conceive #1. Sigh. Maybe 2013 bring better luck for both of us.
Whatever happens whatever you choose I am on your side.
I am happy to see the hope… I want this SO bad for you. Perhaps because I am a single mom who is “one of the lucky ones” who was able to create two children. Perhaps because I have been a reader for so, so long. Perhaps just because I know how awesome you are and I know how much you deserve it. But with whatever happens, we will be right here with you going through it. And today, I am glad to feel some hope for you.
Snow seems to wash everything clean – at least for a while…maybe just long enough to gain a new perspective?
I am glad to hear that you seem hopeful again. That’s one of your best qualities.
Hope it works out for you but speaking as a very contented singleton who is the mother of an equally contented singleton, a single-child family is not some horrible tragedy.
Yes. Good.
Hugs!
Such a strong woman! Also I love this pic of you! Very pretty! 
more hugs /hugs
Oh, good, I was so hoping that you would decide to try again. Love you.
You’ll get there…I took a break for a while after my late m/c and I am back in the swing and I am not giving up.. I went to my accupuncturist today and she said something that hit home.. If you had to put your sorrows in a bag on a table, and many other people did the same, you’d pick up your own bag because there is always someone who may have it worse…She then told me her BF had children easily with her husband & he walked out on her her.. just left without an explanation, no note, not anything. I don’t have a child.. yet… and I loved your analogy of the snow coming down, then washing away–the pain, the sadness, the anger…winter ending and spring will come again with renewal to begin again with whatever you are hoping or dreaming for.. I’m happy you are not giving up and neither am I.. I got an IUI a week ago and am causiously optimistic.. but I will not give up regardless of what happens. Maybe both our dreams of the family we want will happen in 2013.. Lots of love your way.:)
Yes yes YES!!!! It took me three tries to make my little number two. I thought for sure after the drama of making number one that we finally had figured out the perfect recipe for success. Turns out it was all still a crapshoot! I’m so glad we didn’t give up. So glad to hear a little hope again from you. 2013!!
You are strong. So strong. I don’t know if your realize how very strong you are, but I hope you do. It’s a beautiful thing.
It took me three years to get my first daughter. When we decided to try to have another child for some reason I thought it would be so easy. It wasn’t it was about the same as the first time. Three more years and two more miscarriages. It sucked. But when I look at my second little girl I am so glad I stuck with it. Hang in there. I am thinking about you.