Gravity

I could start by telling you about how I showed up at the wrong hospital for my D&E yesterday.
I could tell you how the woman in pre registration made me cry simply by saying,
“you aren’t having anything done, sweetie.”
I could tell you how I cried for the entire drive from the wrong hospital to the correct hospital.
I could tell you how hard it was to answer the, “and what are you here for” question.
I could tell you how kind the anesthesiologist was, how gentle the OB was, how I gasped when I realized I had to be wheeled down to the labor and delivery floor for the procedure.
I could tell you about the echo of newborn babies that I heard as I squeezed my eyes tight.

But what I really need to tell you is: it’s over.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days. It was harder than the shocking day when I first heard the news that there was no longer a heartbeat. It was harder than the days I spent trying to sort through the medical crap.

I am sad. I hurt in weird places. I feel empty. I am trying so hard to keep the bitterness away.

Do you even realize how many tv shows have plot-lines with pregnancies in them right now? Oh and alllll the headline news about a certain royal’s pregnancy.

All I see in the world is siblings. It’s ridiculous and skewed. But very much like the years I spent trying to create W – everywhere I go: BABIES!!

I think this is just how brains work. Eventually my brain will catch up. It has too.

As 2012 winds down my goal is to spend lots of quality time with my Mom and W. This has been a year of a lot of sadness for me, but I know good stuff happened too. I will be working on focusing on that.

Some day I may write more about what the D&E was like. I think I need to have a lot more space to process first.

Comments

  1. says

    I hope you’re feeling better soon…

    There’s still much to look forward to in this year. I know it won’t make up for the last few weeks.

  2. Rebecca says

    So shitty. I’m so sorry. Glad you have some wonderful people in your life to help you through and love you no matter what. Hugs.

  3. says

    I wish I were closer to you so I could bring you a meal or some other small gesture that people do in the face of emotional devastation such as this. I wish there was some task I could do or some gift I could give that would make this just one iota easier for you. You’re a good person. With what you have on your plate you could very well be incredibly self absorbed but instead you’re dedicated to a great many important causes. You care about others and are just…such a great person. And this isn’t unfair. This is SO horribly unfair.

  4. Alexicographer says

    Hugs.

    I’m glad for you that it’s over. And sad, but glad given that you knew the endpoint. I hope you can take gentle care of yourself.

  5. Lisa says

    I’m so sorry. Life is just so hard sometimes, and unfair. But I think it’s good to be focusing on your family, I know that has helped me a lot through difficult times.

  6. Mamaintheburbs says

    Im so sorry! I know how heartbreaking this is especially with IVF. Please take all the time you need to heal. I’m thinking of you!

  7. Katie says

    Honey, please try to be good to yourself. I’ve been through it and I don’t blame you for not wanting to rehash… Its normal to feel numb, empty , sad , and piss ANGRY!! A whole gammet of emotions..Give yourself the time to feel those feelings and process.. Give yourself time to heal. Because in short it sucks & its not fair!! It seems like when I went through this all I would read and see around me had somehting to do with babies. Its very hard & I understand what you are going through. I’m so very sorry for you lose. Lots of love and prayers your way!
    –Katie

  8. says

    Someone somewhere shared an idea and maybe it will help you and maybe it will not. But on January 1 put out a jar with paper and a pen. Every time something good happens that year, write it down, and stuff it in the jar. At the end of the year, you get to look back at the good things. Because they exist. Somewhere in the ether of the sadness. I am thinking of you so very much these days. SO VERY MUCH.

  9. shelli says

    Only write about that if you need to. It’s your private pain, it’s OK if you are the only one that owns it.

    Love to you.

  10. says

    Dresden, I am so sorry mama.i know this horrible,hole in your heart, want the world to stop pain.Its all horrible.I just found this post today through your red elephant post.I wish I’d known at BlogHer, I would have squeezed you just a little tighter.xo

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