The impossibility of coasting

All of the colors and sounds of the world faded on friday. I was still and everyone else was fast. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, look at anyone. I didn’t want anyone to talk, see, or look at me. Your comments were helpful, beautiful, encouraging. They were also hard because I needed to start accepting that this is really happening. This isn’t some maybe or hypothetical worst case scenario – this is it. This is the end of this pregnancy. This is the end of the 2nd child dream. That bright hope and vision is gone.

That’s a lot to absorb.

Mom was amazing this weekend. She took W on so many adventures, created so many fun projects, made it possible for me to really check out for 48 hours.

This morning there was a task at hand. I had to find an OB-GYN office that would be able to see me through the end. I plugged in information into my insurance’s website and found a practice that was connected to a hospital that I had heard was ok. I have no idea if this is a hospital thing or a doctor’s office thing. I guess I will find out.

Having to talk to a scheduling department was hard. Answering the, “are you pregnant?” question was what tipped me into tears. I told her that I didn’t know how to answer that. She was very kind, put me on hold, came back and said that she was able to get me the first available appointment with an OB-GYN.

The appointment is friday.

I asked her to clarify – is this an appointment to meet with the doctor or is this an appointment for a, um, procedure. She explained that it was to meet with the doctor and that from there we could decide what next.

As much as I am relieved to have an appointment I am a bit disappointed that it is five days away. Five more days. By the time I see this doctor Tartan will have been dead for a week just floating around inside of me. It’s an image I can’t stop thinking about. It’s gross. But every time I feel a tug or pull or wave of nausea I imagine a murky swimming pool inside me sloshing with the end.

I have no idea how I am going to make it through the next days. No idea. I’m going to try to dive into work and hope that it distracts me. Somehow.

All I want to do is sleep and watch old episodes of NCIS.

Comments

  1. Val says

    You will just need to take it one minute, hour, day at a time and just know it will be over soon. My Dad watches old NCIS reruns too. He’s a good guy. Just think of a 76 year old guy sitting on the couch watching with you and giving you a hug.

  2. says

    Oh God, honey. I can’t believe it. I’m just so sorry and I know so, so well where you are. 5 days is torture. Can you find anything faster? The 24 hours I had to wait were hideous. I had that same creepy dead-thing-inside-me feeling. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry and I love you so much.

  3. says

    Then sleep and watch endless episodes of NCIS. It’s necessary to take time to heal, and when you can’t even get to the physical healing part yet, you’ve got to be sure to factor that in. Distracting yourself with work might be a good idea, but if your heart’s not in it, don’t try to force it.

  4. says

    Oh D, I am so sorry. To say this sucks is an understatement. But it surely does. My heart breaks for you and W. I have also been there and know how hard the waiting, pain and loss is. Do what works for you and as others have said take things one day, one hour and one step at a time. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of peace, love, light and hugs your way. xoxo

  5. cait says

    So sorry you’re in this place. I’m with Briar– is there anybody who can see you sooner? We had to wait from Friday to Tuesday and that felt like a fucking eternity. The waiting is just awful. Love to you as you make your way through this. So, so sorry.

  6. says

    Just reading your terrible news now. I’m so so sad for your loss and I almost felt like I was reading my own story of loss and “missed miscarriage” from a few years back. I hate that you are stuck in limbo now. It’s just not fair in so many ways. You will be in my thoughts as you move through the physical recovery and then the emotional recovery of this loss.

  7. says

    I can’t imagine waiting that long – when we went through it with Wallaby, I couldn’t even bear to wait over a long weekend.

    So sorry that this is being pulled out so much longer.

  8. Pinky3Promise says

    I wish this was all a dream :( … I know the last thing you want now is a$$vice but really be tough with the docs to try to get all of the answers possible to make sure that if there WAS a certain issue, you can prevent it next time…such as a clotting issue or low progesterone. I will light a candle for your family!

  9. says

    Dresden, I’m catching up on blogs after leaving town and am devastated to read of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Tartan.

  10. amanda says

    Please remember to take as much time as you NEED. This is a time where you truly must think about only yourself. Allow yourself to ‘check out’ so-to-speak. Its in our nature as mothers to put our children first, even at the times we’re most broken- yes, there are times when we, as mothers, don’t have the option of putting ourselves first- don’t let this be one of those. From everything you’ve told us, you have an amazingly powerful support system in your mother. If there was ever a time to fall back onto her, let it be now. Let her do whatever she can to keep W distracted, and to help you through this process. Don’t worry about W. I feel confident through your posts, that he’ll be very well cared for (above and beyond even).

    My thoughts are with you, every day. I pray you find peace and comfort, and answers.

    XX-OO

    PS- if you do find that you need someone to talk to- please feel free to email me- no matter if to say hi, or to scream curse words INALLCAPS… I’m here to listen.

  11. says

    I am so incredibly sorry that you are enduring this right now. I’ve stood exactly where you are existing right now and it is a sickening feeling. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. It’s hell. It’s truly hell.

  12. Alexicographer says

    Oh Dresden — I’m so sorry. I knew your news (not the shock news, the earlier news of Tartan) and admit I wasn’t coming by regularly in part because I’m not 100% in a place to see others building the family I had originally wanted (one that has 2 kids rather than the delightful one I’ve ended up with). But I’m horrified to see your news, so sorry to learn that the baby you hoped and believed you’d welcoming to your family won’t be joining it. I’ll be out here thinking of you as you navigate all this, and glad to know you have good support in your mom and in Cecily.

  13. Natalie says

    I also had to wait more than a week between when I found out my baby had no heartbeat and when I had a spontaneous miscarriage. My doctor had recommended that it was the best course of action, I wish I had just had a D&C though. That wait almost killed me. I am sending you strong thoughts to help you through this horrible experience. And hugs, I am sending hugs too.

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