Pushing through the tired

I wake up tired and I work tired and I am parenting tired and I am making meals tired and I am living, you guessed it, tired. My tired has a tired. I am guessing most of this fatigue is thanks to Tartan, but also some of it is because I am trying to cram in work into every square inch of my day. I think I am in a bit of a panic about work. Well, to be more specific, a panic about money.

I budgeted very carefully to try again after the ectopic but I forgot about some things. I forgot that medication will cost X a month. I forgot that weekly appointments with the pregnancy nurse at the clinic will cost me X a week. I forgot to calculate the extra gas money to drive to the clinic so often. I forgot to add in all kinds of stuff like that.

So I am scrambling – but thrilled to have this problem to scramble through. I know budgeting has curve balls (wait, is it a curve ball if it is more like “user error” and can you have a “user error” in a baseball analogy?) but every time an unexpected expense comes up I take way too long beating myself up over it before I let go and move on.

Mother has been really good about walking me out of the panic. She is very practical and of the, “it will all work out” fan club. I am thankful for that.

It has been a bit a zing to hear W mirror back to me some of the things I must be saying. The other day we were at the grocery store and he let out this loooooong sigh and exclaimed, “we need more cheese but we are all out of money”. In actuality I was trying to tell him that we didn’t need cheese because we had cheese at home. But hearing that response made me realize he is listening closely.

{I don’t actually consider this a bad thing – teaching W about money is something I consider to be very important. Just snuck up on me.}

Beyond all of this, I am feeling so hopeful about Tartan. Symptoms that I don’t remember having this early with W are daily now – things like organ stretching awareness and food aversion. Food aversion is so random. If I see a commercial for food, or think about a food, or smell food I feel green in the face. I also have this thing where after I have had a meal I will think about the fact that I just ate something and then feel green about it. So far there has been no actual ralphing, just gagging and greening.

Next friday is another ultrasound and I’m excited. Somehow between now and then I have to find an OB. My nurse at the clinic told me last week, “why don’t you use the OB that delivered W?” It took her a while to get/remember that I was an out of town patient for the clinic when W was made – so, um, my OB was in Florida. Ha.

So that is me.

Tell me about you.

Comments

  1. Lisa says

    As usual, I can totally relate to your post! I am glad I am not the only whose careful budgeting doesn’t always account for every expense. That was me all summer… oh, my IUI required seven doctor visits instead of the expected four, hence an extra $120 in co-pays, oh the doctor wants me to take this new drug which costs X amount, etc. I am right there with you!

    Though it’s sucky right now, it’s great that are experiencing all of these symptoms b/c hopefully that means everything with Tartan is perfect!

    All is well with me, just preparing for the holidays and being remarkably not IF obsessed. That will all change in January when we ramp up for IVF but I am enjoying the peace of mind for now. :)

  2. says

    I hope you don’t take this the wrong way…but I am SO glad that you are so exhausted…and SO glad that you are mentally freaking out about things…because you know what? If you weren’t posting things like this right now I would be worried. But because you look and sound so tired and emotional? Good chance there will be a real, live baby to come out of all of this…and wow. Just wow. Can’t think of anyone who deserves it more than you. So, I am sorry you are stressed and exhausted…I really am, but damn! You’re right where you are supposed to be!! Hugs!!

  3. says

    Don’t forget I have a little job for you–it won’t probably pay more than some gas for your car but it’s there when you’re ready. I’m so glad you’ve got Tartan percolating, and that your family is in the process of growing. Love you! <3

  4. says

    There is nothing like early pregnancy tired. I can nap in my first trimester and I do not have the ability to nap any other time. That is how tired it makes me.

    I’m feeling really hopeful too. I’ve, um, already started shopping for baby presents. I’m a little ahead of the game here, but I don’t care. Tartan forever!

  5. says

    Yes, the tired…but it’s all good.

    I’m working on having my friend come down for New Year’s with her twins…so we can all go see Wicked. It will be my Christmas gift, and it will be a good one!

  6. Heather says

    I completely understand about the money. I was laid off in September and unemployment just doesn’t cut it at all. I go to the store to buy food and I have a complete melt down in my head since I can’t let my 7 year old see what I am feeling. Thank goodness that she now is receiving free lunches at school. I also am thinking about Christmas and how I am going to make it through that. I know that somehow someway it always works out but for right now I am wondering where a food bank is and if I really can go and ask for help at a food bank! I just don’t know if I have that in me right now.

  7. says

    I hear you on the tired. Not pregnancy tired, which goes down to the bones, just regular illness tired (me — home from work for several days sick — and the kids — one or the other up in the middle of the night most days this week). And with our upcoming change of venue, far too much to do. But all good problems to have.

    Good luck finding an OB!

  8. Maeby says

    Ah yes, The Tired. I think it deserves capitals like that, because it is such an actual presence in my own life. And I am well familiar with the gagging & greening (& sadly, a little bit of ralphing, too). And like you, I tell myself to feel hopeful when feeling utterly craptastic, because it must mean that things are progressing the way they should, right? RIGHT? Hang in there – next Friday isn’t so, so far away, despite how far away it might feel!

  9. Jennette says

    OMG OMG OMG
    You have a tiny Tartan inside you! Congratulations, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!
    I’ve been MIA for a loooong time and when I came by today and read the titles of your recent posts, along with the little bit on the first page I thought maybe you were tired due to the big D, but after doing some reading I’m soooo EXCITED for you! I truly am happy for you. HUGS

  10. says

    If I see a commercial for food, or think about a food, or smell food I feel green in the face. I also have this thing where after I have had a meal I will think about the fact that I just ate something and then feel green about it.

    I can’t even look at a picture of coleslaw right now. FUCK. Now I’m thinking about it. Ugh.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] I am still tired. So very, very tired. I am going to bed at 8 or 9 every night and groaning at 5 or 6 when W wakes me the next morning. Naps are of no use to me. They actually work against me. I think I am a deep sleep needer. So a one hour or two hour nap turns me into an asshole. I want MORE. I MEED more. I wake up cranky and annoyed. [...]

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