At some point in my life I told myself that I was not beautiful. I thought it, accepted it, and lived with this self-declared statement for decades. I had made the assumption that real beauty, TRUE beauty, was defined as shorter, thinner, less pale, less splotchy, more everything I wasn’t and less everything that I was.
As a very tall woman there is something physical that happens when you tell yourself that you are not beautiful – you shrink. Or rather, you MAKE yourself shrink. For as long as I can remember being six feet tall I have tried to find a way to take up less space. If I cave into my shoulders just a bit or keep my head low…
My view of beauty changed on April 6th, 2009. I was holding my new to the world son and gazing at all of his most perfect and lovely features. Friends that had come to visit me in the hospital gushed, “HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU!!”
It was something that I would hear almost every time I shared a photo of my son – “HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU!”
Hearing those words completely shattered the distorted box that I had placed myself in: the ugly box. My son was beyond beautiful. And yes, he looked like me. If I continued to believe that I was hideous then I was, in a way, placing that same burden on my son.
Sorry kid, Mama is ugly and folks say you look like me.
Slowly, quietly, I began to heal my beauty. I learned that what was ugly was my responding to a comment with, “You need glasses!” instead of just soaking it in. Beauty, I learned, wasn’t always about how I looked. It was also the care that I gave to others.
My son is now three and every bit as beautiful as the day I met him. His vocabulary triples every hour and when he is not asking, “What does that mean, Mama?” he is trying out declarations.
“This grape is delicious!”
“We are very disappointed today!”
And, daily, “This is very beautiful”.
He says that about so many things. The artful way that I have attempted to present his supper, the way his bed looks after we have changed the linens, flowers, tomatoes at the market… all beautiful to him.
His awareness of words and the world has stopped me from saying things like, “I am so fat!” or “I look so gross!” Yes, I used to say those things to myself all the time, out loud, even, to the mirror. If I ever heard my son say such things about himself or another person I would be devastated.
He watches his grandmother get ready for work every morning. He runs his tiny fingers over her makeup brushes and hands her a lipstick when she asks for one. He admires painted nails, and on several occasions has asked to have his own nails decorated with paint. He is a connoisseur of beauty.
I am far from telling you that I am beautiful. I may be beyond hope with the mental damage that I did to myself. But I cannot deny that the way my son lives and sees his life has healed me. Over the cracks of my self-esteem are bandages of optimism and pride. As my son watches me get ready for an event I can smile and thank him when he declares me beautiful.
I am curious how many of you have had healed self-esteem after having a child. Or if you aren’t a parent, is there a child in your life that changed the way you see yourself?
This post is part of BlogHer’s My Beautiful Moment editorial series, made possible by Olay.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
This is such beautiful writing. Thank you for starting my day off right.
Actually, having a child has made me doubt myself in ways I never have before. But I’m pretty resilient, so I guess the humbling experience has been good for me.
You are beautiful not only on the outside….
OK, this isn’t child related, but I started healing my self esteem (some) when I finally learned to accept compliments. I grew up constantly deflecting compliments – saying “no I’m not” if someone said I was pretty. I only believed the bad comments. I think it was probably something I read online about learning to say “thank you” if someone said something nice, and how that could help you feel better about yourself. I tried it out. And even if I deflected somewhat by adding “oh, you’re too kind”, I realized I was starting to believe some of it, and that I was getting a lift from it. I even tried out giving out more compliments myself, even though most of them are of the “cute shoes!” variety. And it made me feel good to put a smile on someone’s face and hear them say “thank you!” in an excited way.
So, I’m glad you’re now able to smile and thank W when he says you’re beautiful. Because you are.
I always thought I was fat and ugly (even when I wasn’t actually fat at the time). Later in life, I loved being pregnant because it was the only time my belly-concentrated fat (thanks for that added bonus, PCOS) looked normal. After both my guys were born my stomach seemed beyond repair. I was very careful not to ever say i was fat in front of the boys. My soon to be ex made up for it. Now my oldest keeps saying HE is fat (he is not, he just finally put some meat on his bones). That breaks my heart and i am working on dispelling that perception he has. But both boys have noted my overweight state. My three year old asked why i have such a “fat belly” two nights ago, and asked why i couldn’t be like his preschool teacher who didn’t have a fat belly. He said he liked his teacher better. Ouch. There are days when they call me beautiful, but to hear your own sons call you fat really digs the knife deeper into the ol’ self-esteem, ya know?
I wish I could crawl through my monitor and give you a hug. I am so sorry that your sons have picked up on the negativity of your ex. xo
What Dresden said. (((hugs)))
Dre, I was drawn into your comment because like you, I have PCOS and belly-concentrated fat. I also always felt much more attractive and proportional when I was pregnant. That girth was supposed to be there, then, and the rest of me seemed small by comparison. I felt gorgeous.
I honestly don’t feel that same light in my now permanently non-pregnant state. I’ve felt beautiful before. Now, I think I’m pretty, but in my head I think “from the neck up” (usually I think that, because there’s still the facial hair growth to contend with). Now, I think I have THE POTENTIAL to be beautiful again. I know that it’s a mind game, because what I have to change isn’t so much my physical proportions. The changing needs to come from within to realize that I’m already beautiful — on the inside. And THAT is ultimately what matters on the outside, too.
Dresden, this is really amazing writing. And… you are spectacularly beautiful.
“As a very tall woman there is something physical that happens when you tell yourself that you are not beautiful – you shrink. Or rather, you MAKE yourself shrink. For as long as I can remember being six feet tall I have tried to find a way to take up less space. If I cave into my shoulders just a bit or keep my head low…”
You know it is crazy how much these words describe to a t how I felt growing up, and sometimes even till(tho I try like hell to think/behave otherwise) I am 6″2 (have been since I was 12) and I used to hate hate hate being so tall, especially growing up in Miami, FL where most folks were not taller than 5″10. For the most part these days I am ok with how tall I am. I do not have children yet (sadly), but I have often thought gee if I feel this awful about myself how will that mess with my future children. I hope that I am able to get to the same place you are.
This was a wonderful post! <3 PS. In case I have not said it before I absolutely think you are so pretty! <3 your hair and eyes and pale skin! Seriously be very proud of you! Your son looks so much like you. (thinking good thoughts for you and your your little plaidbryo! )
He does look like you.
You are someone that I have always thought of as beautiful. You are also one of two blogging people that I have met in real life that I think doesn’t translate well in pictures. You look good in pictures, but your true beauty doesn’t show in pictures like it does in person.
I don’t know that having a child has changed how I feel about my appearance (although I probably put waaaay too much vicarious whatever into how beautiful my child is, because my God, she is, and I’ve never had strangers stop me to tell me that I’m beautiful but I sure do enjoy it when they say it about her!) – but I have changed a bit about how I feel about my body and its abilities.
I’ve never been strong, coordinated or athletic, and have usually been overweight, so “my body can do awesome things” has never been a part of my reality. It didn’t help that my body wasn’t successful at getting pregnant, either.
But!
With just a bit of help from my wonderful partner’s smidge-younger eggs (and a donor with obviously wonderful genes, and every doctor in the Mid-Altantic) my body was able to grow, push out (with no pain meds!) and nourish, both physically and emotionally, this whole new little human, and that is about the awesomest thing ever.
I really relate to this post…I never think of myself as pretty, god forbid beautiful…some days I guess I look okay, other days…ugh. And pictures of me always horrify me. But I have this gorgeous 14 year old daughter, and people are always telling me how she looks just like me. Those two things cannot both be true, that I’m average on a good day and that she looks just like me and is beautiful. So of course my mind just chooses not to believe it when people say it. But a LOT of people have said it. So I don’t know what to do with that. It should be an ego boost or something but somehow it isn’t. And I seriously hope she ends up being a cuter adult, for her own sake, than I am. Hmmm.
He’s beautiful and so is his mama.
And the next time that little voice in his mama’s head tells her that she’s not drop dead gorgeous, you tell that bastard voice that Rachel from Alabama said to shut up!
Beautiful post. I can relate to it so much knowing all the horrible things I’ve said to myself.
What a FANTASTIC post! Thank you thank you thank you! – I beat myself up almost everyday… about how I look & what I don’t have…I too, have a child who looks just.like.me. & I would HATE it if she went around beating herself up like I do… thank you for putting it in perspective! P.S. you are beautiful!