You guys have seen the story about Lady Gaga, right? After some (completely normal for her) weight fluctuations she was hounded by photo captions declaring her HUGE and FAT. This lead to her revealing that she has struggled for most of her life as an anorexic or bulimic. Her reveal inspired her to create a revolution. A body revolution.
I am in a body hating place right now. It’s crummy. I know that I can get up and move and feel better, but then I cave back into my feelings. I feel like an oaf. I feel like a thick tree.
A few weeks ago I had my yearly physical at my doctor’s office. It was a good appointment and we went over a lot of stuff. I said that I was frustrated about my body. He explained, in doctor speak, that my size is largely connected to what I have been through and what I battle.
The math: trying to get pregnant and then suffering through weeks and weeks of an ectopic pregnancy + thyroid disease + stopping a migraine medication that is not good for ttc = MY BODY
However how I FEEL is up to me. Sure depression can be associated with and connected to crap I have dealt with, but I also can make a choice about how I feel. I can celebrate that I am able to wake up in the morning and run after W, or I can hunker down and beat myself up.
I joined Lady Gaga’s site so that I could witness other people having epiphanies about their bodies. Reading the posts, seeing the proud images, it has put a lot of stuff into perspective. So many photos of beautiful, curvy, imperfect, scrawny, scarred, broken, stunning people.
It’s all mental.
I am writing this so that I can get some of this body hate out of my head. There is no place for it.
Dear Body,
You have been through a lot of stuff and I am sorry that I have not appreciated you enough. You are the holder and keeper of my mind, my heart, my soul. I have been thinking some pretty horrible thoughts about you lately: wishing you were different, hating you for not being what you used to be.
I needed to have a mental shift to move past that. Thankfully that shift is happening right now. Together we are about to do something pretty amazing. If we are lucky we will get to grow another person. I promise you right now that if that doesn’t happen I will not hold you responsible. I promise you that if it does I will love you through it.
We are a work in progress.
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Love.
I’ve been having my mental shift for most of the year. It’s a nice journey, hard sometimes but nice.
Keep it up, love.
Sounds like you have a pretty good doctor…
Good luck in your mental shift. If you can’t love your body, at the very least don’t hate it.
I agree that I totally love your doctor. Most of them are like… “You’re not in any physical pain, which is the only kind of pain doctors can understand…”
I am wishing you very very good luck, too, gorgeous. I hope you can get to your place. <3
I saw some really nasty comments on Lady Gaga’s FB posts about the body revolution, and it really made me sad. People bitching about her being rich and famous as if that’s supposed to solve every problem she has to deal with. And people bitching about the weight she’s gained and how she’s now a fat slob. I joined her revolution, as I am always battling my self image and my weight and how it all fits together. I see the looks of disgust when some people look at me. Heck, I see it in my husband’s eyes sometimes, and listen to it when he tries to “help me” in ways that are no help at all and ignores the things that actually would help.
I’m glad you’re joining. I’ll get a post up on my own blog.
Love you!!
Have you tried the myfitnesspal ap? I went through something similar mental shift but didn’t want to do any gimmicky diet or program. What I wanted was to gather some information about what I was eating so I could understand how I got to be wear I was, pregnancy etc notwithstanding. So, I downloaded it as a food diary and because it has analysis of nutritional content etc. I discovered very quickly that i wasn’t eating enough protein, way too much carbs and sodium etc. Eventhough I wasn’t interested in being on a diet per se, just having that information made me feel empowered and i started making small changes here and there and I’m seeing results. I set a plan with a slow pace because i needed to be realistic given my complex relationship with food but it’s working sooo well. And, at this pace, I am confident that I can keep it up. But every time I get on a scale I feel impatient and then remind myself that this is a life long journey and to just try to enjoy the process. There’s nothing magical about the ap, it’s just a form of accountability. I’m still an emotional eater but there’s something about having to hold myself accountable for the calories, fat, sodium etc in that bag of chips that keeps me away most of the times. The rest of the time, I indulge and hold myself accountable on portion size.
And, the best thing about it, is when I’ve really gone overboard. I can make it up by working out at the end of the day so i still break even.
It’s been hard but sooooo empowering. I used to order the tuna sandwiche at subways thinking it was healthy because it contained tuna. Turns out the mayo in it makes it one of the most fattening things on the menu. So, if what I really want is bagel, egg and cheese for breakfast, I have that and ask to skip the butter. It didn’t even occur to me before but now my attitude is every little bit counts.
If I’m craving something heavy on calories at lunch, I tell myself I can have it but I should first go see the soup menu and see if I’m tempted by something. 90% of the time, I do end up getting a yummy soup as the process of walking over there reminds me of my goals and that getting to that goal doesn’t mean I can’t have yummy foods I just have to make better choices. ANd, the times I look at the soup menu and decide on something else. I go get it and think about how I might make that option a bit healthier or I commit to a hard workout that evening.
Sorry for the long email. This is my first time making a concerted effort to lose weight and I realise how hard it is but I’m so glad to have found a tool that helps.
oh I love that site, I credit it with 50% of my journey towards a healthier me. getting a personal trainer to kick my butt for half an hour a week for 6 months was the other half.
xx
but none of it would have happened without a personal epiphany and an ‘I am never looking like that again’ photo.
fab site, but Dresden be gentle with yourself as you are going through plenty else. choosing to like yourself is enough for now
yikes about the typos. I typed that hurriedly as I was shutting the computer down and I just realised I seem barely literate. Oops. Will edit next time.
I know you may be in a body hating spot but I think you are absolutely lovely…truly gorgeous!
Yesss! Our bodies store up the toxins and unhealthy stuff in fat. And stress from all the stuff we go through can totally end up as toxins, because it creates inflammation, and inflammation makes stuff go wrong in the body. So fat is our body’s way of dealing with stuff that can’t be dealt with right now. It’s protective in a way, but just creates more of a vicious cycle of more inflammation. And more fat. And unfortunately it takes time to deal with it. I did a detox earlier in the year, and was frustrated that I didn’t lose an ounce. And was all pouty that it didn’t work great. But actually I’ve made big strides since then, and I think it really helped me start dealing with the crap and processing the fat. Looking back, I’ve had a big mental shift this year. I took charge, and that’s been huge. But it’s about time to do another detox, and I’ve been putting it off. Gotta get to it…
But good luck with your shift! And getting healthy and growing a new life.
Good for you! It can be so difficult to love or at least appreciate our bodies and all they do for us. I think it can be even more difficult when you are battling infertility and have complicated feelings about your body to begin with. We are Lady Gaga fans; my husband is a hard-core Little Monster and we bought tickets to attend her DC show in February.
I haven’t visited you in ages, and I come back to see that you seem to be doing very well! Rollercoaster and all.
I somehow missed this Lady Gaga bit, but I’m going to read up more about it now. I’ve had some serious body issues lately, and feel just blegh.
Keep well!
I hated it when everyone and their dog was commenting publicly about Lady Gaga’s weight! I hate it when body size is always used to tear a woman down. Last year I joined 30 min hit – a kickboxing circuit – and let me tell you I LOVE kicking and boxing the crap out of a bag and dummy. It’s a great stress reliever. I joined the owner’s fighter bootcamp and during the drills, I picked up a freaking car tire above my head and did shoulder presses. Me! I did not think I could do it. I’m 30 lbs overweight, I need an inhaler to exercise, I’m tired most of the time. It felt amazing to just feel strong. And I am also a lot older than the rest of the participants.