Making a choice to parent on your own is huge and it is scary. It is also liberating. You are making a decision and acting on it on your own timeline. You are calling the shots about when you will become a parent.
My friend Issa brings up a lot of fantastic points about single parenting in her crib sheet. The two of us met online because we are both single mothers to super-adorable boys.
I remember one night, early into our friendship, when she tweeted out to her friends and followers that she needed some support to get through a hard weekend. It was one of the first weekends where her son was not going to be sleeping at her house, but at his father’s. I sent out my message of support and love, but in all honesty I could not imagine what she was going through.
Being a single mother by choice is not being a single mother by circumstance, even though there are many, many overlaps, the being single part glaringly at the front of the list. But after that, a woman that has begun her journey solo has entirely different things to navigate. So I used Issa’s crib sheet as a jumping-off point, and then added some additional ideas.
Read and print out our single parenting crib sheet now.
Fear and Grief
If you are considering becoming a single mother by choice, there are other elements of fear and grief that will be unique to you.
Making a choice to parent on your own is huge, and it is scary. It is also liberating. You are making a decision and acting on it on your own timeline. You are calling the shots about when you will become a parent.
Grief is understandable, as many of us didn’t imagine living a life or starting a family without a partner. What helped me work through my sadness on this issue was telling myself that just because I am having a child on my own doesn’t mean I will never find love. It simply means that when I do, I will need to make sure he is great father material as well as great husband material.
Preparation and Delegation
Issa talks about delegating parenting tasks to friends and family, and reminds us to carve out time for ourselves.
I prepared to become a single mother by choice in three ways:
- I did a personal life audit to see if I was ready to be a mom on my own: Did I have some savings? Did I have a clean bill of health? Did I have the guts?
- I told my immediate family and closest friends, so that I would have a support system through the process of trying.
- I called my doctor, and together we called a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
Beyond physically preparing and making sure you have some financial reserves to parent solo, something else to consider is thinking about people in your life who will be a part of your child’s life.
Issa has some great points about knowing whom in your circle you can turn to for specific parenting help. Within my circle I like to think that I have someone for every question that my son could lob at me!
Sharing the Story
At some point, your child is going to want to know his or her story. Even before that, I guarantee that neighbors, the woman at the bank, and that guy on Facebook will want to know how exactly it is that you came to be with child. It is entirely up to you how much or how little you share with others.
I once read that how the news is presented shapes how people receive it. I was thrilled when I finally became pregnant with my son. When I was ready to tell people beyond my inner circle, I began by saying, “I have some very exciting news!” and I went on to explain that, thanks to modern medicine and a team of doctors, I was going to have a baby on my own.
Telling my son about his story began the day he was born, and it gets more detailed the older he gets and the more he can comprehend. (I am also aware that whatever I tell him will be shared with others — so heads up on that!)
I have shared with all of my son’s teachers about his unique family. Many children have a different kind of “normal” at home, whether it is a single mom raising them or two moms or two dads raising them. Telling my son’s teachers allowed them to be more sensitive to topics (such as family day).
Things that Make Life Easier for a Single Mom by Choice
Issa hits the nail on the head by talking about growing your own village. Though I am a single mother, I have never once felt like I was raising my son alone. Between my mother (who is very active in my son’s life) and my friends, we have a tight support system. If you don’t have family nearby, establish the friends that you can lean on like family.
If you discover that your current friends are not able to support you the way you need them to, be proactive in finding ones that can. There is a national network for single mothers by choice called SMC. You can begin by finding a group online, and many have in-person meetups. (You can also always find me on my blog and wave hello!)
What About Dads?
I know that some people worry about role models, especially for boys, in homes where there is no father. I can understand this. It is important for me to talk about fathers with my son, because if he is lucky, some day he will get to be one. We talk about fathers as being parents. When he tends to his stuffed bunny rabbits and affectionately puts them to bed, I compliment him on being a good father.
Did you ever consider being a single mother by choice? Do you have single friends who you think are musing about it? What advice would you give a woman that tells you that she is thinking of becoming a single mom by choice?
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Dresden,
I’m not sure if I’ve ever commented here, although I have been reading since W was first born, because I was looking for examples of other SMCs. I, too, have an adorable son who just turned 2 in June. This list and the crib sheet are excellent. I am so glad that I went ahead and took the plunge to parent, instead of continuing to wait for the right man, or worse, marrying someone who wasn’t right just because the bio clock was ticking. I’ve seen too many women in unhappy 2-parent situations, and I am glad I’ve avoided much of that.
One thing I’ve found interesting is that my mother, who is very active in BZ’s life, tends to avoid the issue of fathers, even though my son also has 2 very active grandfathers in his life (both my parents are remarried). I think that will make him feel like there’s something wrong with his family. I love your attitude about teaching W to parent, to be a good father, and I have been doing the same.
I would definitely agree, too, on the part about taking care of yourself, using family/friends/babysitters to allow yourself to get a little rest here and there. I haven’t been great about that, but am getting better. I feel guilty doing it when he’s in daycare all day while I work, but I am a much more fun mom if I get some good rest every once in a while.
Oooh, I love this. Excellent post and advice!
Love this! Love the skirt post, too. You’re awesome!
My advice … JUST DO IT! Don’t wait until conceiving becomes hard just based on age. Forget TTC with an OB/GYN, go directly to an RE. OB/GYNs are often terribly uninformed about fertility. They don’t have the expertise and up to date equipment for the job. It may seem like a way to save money, but if it takes so much longer, any savings will be lost. And definitely connect with other SMCs. For both you and your child. Sunshine has recently started talking about daddies. It’s been really helpful to be able to remind her of all the other kids we know who don’t have daddies. SMC families and two mommy families. (Although, when I mention the two mommy families, I ask her how many mommies she has. “Five!” So yesterday I asked if some of her other mommies could come over and clean our apartment.)
Love seeing the old pics of W. Oh, smoooooch!
I’m so glad I found your blog. I’ve been considering becoming an SMC and your story has been a lifesaver. Your honesty about the challenges and the beauty of motherhood have been so helpful.
Hi!
I’ve been reading for a long time (since before W. was born), but only recently started commenting. (Sorry!
) I found your blog when I was looking for other SMC. I was in the very early planning stages and trying to figure out how I would make this all work.
In July, I had my very first IUI (BFN!) and it was terrifying and exhilarating and amazing. I thought it would be sad and depressing, but I had two of my very best friends with me and it was great! It was not at all how I thought I’d start my family, but it wasn’t the sad tale of whoa that I feared it would be when I decided to become a SMC.
Even after all of this planning, I’m still terrified. It feels so much more deliberate this way! If things are difficult, I’ll have done this to myself! It won’t have just “happened” to me. It’s a whole different way of thinking and a whole different kind of pressure to “do things right”. You know?
Then again, I tend to over analyze…
Thank you for the years of posts that I never commented on and for helping to carve out the road ahead for the rest of us.
Thanks for writing this. I may come back to it as I move ahead in my journey toward SMC-ing. In particular, I have thought about raising a boy with male role models, but hadn’t thought about him becoming a father himself…if I have a boy, I will definitely keep that in mind.
I love that shot above
thanks for being a SMC voice I love that too…
Baby W! <3
I agree with everyone who thinks you're awesome.
I also agree with Dora. Thinking and planning is good and necesary but don't take too long to make the leap. I wish that I had spent less time thinking and had started building my family sooner. I would have been enjoying motherhood that much sooner and I would be younger thus more likely to consider trying for #3.
Great post. This is something that is so little talked about and really the advice works for all kinds of families.
I really appreciate your effort. I have really enjoyed reading your post. I am fully impressed and enjoy your posting.
I’ve always had a feeling that if I had a child it would probably be as a single mom by choice. I’ve never been really interested in dating or marriage. I’m 27 and have decided to start trying next year. I feel that since I’m sure that this is what I want to do that I’d rather take advantage of being more fertile while I’m younger. I’ve been looking for SMBC blogs so I will be sure to follow yours!
I happened on this thread by chance, but I’m struck by the fact that no one seems to say much of anything about the CHILD’s well-being. If you read these posts, they’re all about “me, my choices, I need, I’m sad”, etc. What about the baby? You’re choosing to deprive your baby of a 2-parent household and trading it for an automatic high-stress household. You’re choosing to place an extra burden on your family and friends (I know – my wife has a few “SMC” friends). You’re choosing to take on a huge expense by yourself, possibly necessitating a second job, allowing even less parenting time for your child and more stress for you.
There is a reason why nature requires two parents. This is a choice you should examine carefully and prayerfully.
Hi all, I happened upon this thread because I’m a single woman thinking about becoming a mum. I lost a child last year and hence the relationship failed, since then have felt a hole in my life. Rick, I get what you’re saying. I’m 38 and have always thought to myslef I would never have a child as a single person. I’ve grown up having my father been listed as a missing person since I was 14 yrs old so know what a kid misses by not having two parents present. While my mum was awesome, I know there are things I would do differently as I do feel there are certain ‘learnings’ a child gets from each parent. What I’ve also begun to think though is about one’s purpose in life. To be a purist, our purpose is to pro-create is it not??? It’s the most natural thing on earth. I’m sure 2000 yrs ago there were single mums. Whether it be due to unfortunate circumstances or poor choices. No matter how advanced we become as a race in education and technology, primal instincts don’t easliy get swept under carpet. Yes being a single mum can be a huge expense and we’ll all do the best we can. Yes it is an ask of others to assist, but isn’t that what the term ‘community’ is all about. We all have choices in life, and most single mums choose to involve others, not only for the convenience, but also because that is what’s natural as well. I agree nature requires a man and woman to ‘create’ , however I question that single women have only propt up in the last century. No doubt in cave man times, the men were off hunting and gathering for months (if not years) at a time thus resulting in absent parenting for large chunks fo a childs’ life. My beleif now is that we all have our choices to make and we do the best we can.
Jenny
Smc is a great choice.
Ets face it two parent households dont always survive, especially if one partner is inflexible, narrow-minded.
As long as you have support single mums will do fine. We are the eightY percent of mothers currently raising kids after all.
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