It’s hard when I look up and realize that I haven’t written anything in days. Usually it is for a reason and in this case it is for many reasons. Time is a big factor – as in I don’t seem to have enough tome to do the things I want to do. Depression is a side note. Bitterness is a top note. Anxiety is the cherry.
I pour all of my work energy into my job (as it should be) and then I pour all of my Mom energy into the space between work (also known as the time W is not in school). What I no longer have time for is what is starting to take a toll on me. I miss having pockets of time to be creative. I miss having a spare moment to myself. I know this is mostly my doing — all wrapped up in my inability to not effectively time manage. Also my inability to make myself a priority.
There is no escaping the swoop of depression that knocks me down without warning. I made plans and they failed. I am taking it personally. It is not rational, it is chemical. I can be 100% aware of being in a wave of depression and it still doesn’t make it any less suffocating. It is manifesting in my health with the return of headaches. They have gotten so bad that I have started taking my migraine medication again. You know, the one I stopped so that I could try to have another baby.
Which, of course, directly leads to bitterness. I can’t even write all of the bitter thoughts that I have. They are black tar. Totally awful. I feel ashamed for thinking as darkly as I do.
And on top of alllll of this is anxiety. It’s probably more of a sadness about money – but it is manifesting as anxiety. I saved up to try for the FET but after the extra saline sono and blood work added before the cycle could begin I needed to set up billing. No problem. Then the extra blood work and doctor appointments added up and 11 weeks of hell. Part of it is covered by insurance but most is not. It just is what it is. And what it is means that I have to pay off when I would rather be saving up.
There are much, much larger problems in the world and I have been through much larger problems. So I have perspective that this is not end of the world crap here. But I totally have a problem where I have moments where I wish I had punched my money ticket and never had to worry about it again. Wouldn’t that be something? “Oh I already DID poor, thanks, I’m not doing it again.” I’ll endure and I will make it through – but it makes me cranky and irritable to be sidelined by finances. (a theme I am certain many, many people feel)
So. Um. Yeah.
The photo with this post is W and one of his new obsessions: band-aids. He often is heard exclaiming, “oh no! I have a boo boo! I need a band-aid! Mama? Do YOU need a band-aid?” He believes fiercely that band aids can solve everything. If only!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
A got obsessed with band aids at W’s age. he is 7. Every single real or imagined boo boo still needs a band aid. Just make sure you stock up for the next 5 or so years LOL
I am so sorry you are feeling badly. Love to you lady.
Band aids solve a lot. Especially Sponge Bob ones. And even if you’re not bleeding. Because really, who can’t stop and laugh at Sponge Bob on your knee?
I get this one, though … sending you thoughts of comfort and peace … and hoping that you can find some space to be kind to yourself soon.
Dude, I have no magic bandaids. All I can offer is a huge hug over the internet, which is totally inadequate. Please don’t drown in the tar.
I am sorry you are feeling badly. Knowing the cause of a funk generally is not helpful at relieving any of my funky feelings either. I pray you are feeling better soon.
It is great to hear that other parents are dealing with band-aid love. Tot asked for a band-aid for his chapped lips recently. Um, no, Dear.
Thinking about you and sending you virtual hugs!
Black tar – come swim in it with me – I do LIVE in the tarheel state ya know
Our alphabet boys can go bananas with the band aids – cause OMG I have spent a small fortune on Dora band aids in the past 2 months on booboos that arent in fact necessary to cover up
Love you.
Nothing like an awesome bandaid to make things better! W’s got the sense of it! <3
Sorry you're having to wade through the tar. I remember all too well what it felt like, and wouldn't want anyone to have to go through it. We borrowed from dh's 401(k) to pay for the failed IVF, and by the time we had the loan paid off I'd already had to have a hysterectomy so we didn't get to try again. Sucks.
Hold W tight and give him lots of zerberts. It'll make you feel better. Love you!
Sending lots of hugs and lots of “I understand”s.
Maybe one of those bandaids would make things feel better – you know, a physical manifestation of the interior landscape? Maybe W’s on to something…
<3
The only people I know who are good at managing money either make so much money that they don’t have to bother managing anything or they put thought into it every day.
The only people I know who are good at managing time are… I don’t know anyone who’s good at managing time.
Hugs.
Sorry about wading through tar. This too shall pass, though.
I love that child.
And you are definitely SO not alone. Even though I know it can feel it. (I feel liek everyone does it better than I.) But I’m there too sista.