I keep finding myself having these big emotions for small things. Then I chastise myself with “WHY am I crying over nothing”? It seems ridiculous to think that every avenue of thought could be tangled up in the complicated emotions of an ectopic* pregnancy and yet? It is all connected right now.
This cycle was a massive failure. Therefore I am a massive failure. I have been incredibly hard on myself in every way. I feel heavy. I feel dumb. I feel ugly. I feel alone. I feel unworthy. I feel it ALL because for whatever reason this embryo didn’t find me a worthy host. It isn’t rational but it’s where my head is.
There is relief in today’s blood work. The nurse that has taken over my case (we like her because she is direct and kind) called to say, “You are the only person I would call and say this to – but congratulations your beta has taken a nosedive!” It is really good news for me as it means that finally (FINALLY) these extra hormones are on their way out and I can start to feel less, well, pregnant.
Feeling pregnant while knowing you most certainly are NOT is pretty horrible.
This weekend I encountered a nice woman that was overwhelmed by nausea. She had her head in her hands and was slouched over. I pulled out a watermelon vitamin C drop and gave it to her suggesting it might help. Except I knew it would help because that was the very thing I was using to deal with my own naseua. She explained to me with a shy smile, “It’s this darn morning sickness. I just found out I am pregnant.”
Yes. You are pregnant. You have morning sickness. I am not pregnant. I have “side effects of increased hcg”.
I have no idea how long the rest of the unraveling will last and I am unclear about what happens after I get to below 5 (officially unpregnant). I just know I am ready to let go of the hold these weird emotions have had on me. I want to feel worthy again.
* my computer wants to turn “ectopic” into “octopi”.
* will have photos from Type-A conference up tomorrow
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I hope your numbers go down quickly. What a long road! I’m sorry for your heartache. Of course you are not a failure, but you know that.
You are most definitely not a failure. You are beautiful and a fantastic mother to W, and you will be a mother again. Blessings and love to you, friend.
Ugh, I’m sorry again that you are dealing with this, but I’m glad the number is finally going down. I completely understand, as I found out yesterday that our first assisted cycle was a failure (after getting trigger shots false positive HPTs through 13 dpo… next time, no HPTs for me! Lesson learned.) Though I know it’s not rational to feel like a failure, it’s kind of hard not to feel that way when you go to so much effort and something doesn’t work out. But it’s really not our fault — it’s just bad luck. I just keep reminding myself that my pursuit of parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint. That does make me feel a little better.
If you had an Octopi pregnancy that would be a serious issue as well. I hope those hormones get the hell out because they are probably contributing to the COMPLETELY FALSE thought that you are unworthy. You are totally worthy my friend.
Just to add my voice to the chorus, the idea that you are a failure because of how this cycle turned out is beyond false.
I know those feelings all too well. Lots of love and empathy here for you.
Do you think maybe it’s those annoying non-pregnancy hormones that are making you fee so low? Maybe this will all kindly go away once you’re below 5.
In other news, a strip mall nearby has opened a store called 5 Below. I have a new interpretation for its name now…
Yes, this. You are not crazy or wrong or anything else your-fault-ish.
You are understandably sad about a sad thing. And you are sick. Your body’s being sick is also making your brain sad and sick. You can’t help that any more than you could help it if breaking a bone hurt, you follow?
I hope it is all better soon.
I know those feelings too; my version, at least. Grief is unpredictable I guess.
I am glad your numbers are going down. Much love.
So sorry you are in that bad place. Love and plaid ponies for you.
“plaid ponies” is now officially on my wish list.
LOVE IT!
I’m glad that your numbers are going down, and that it was the nurse you like who gave you the news.
Don’t, don’t, don’t consider yourself a failure. This pregnancy didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t a damn fine human being (and I’ve never even met you!). And it was kind of you to offer help to a miserably pregnant woman, even though hearing that she was officially pregnant had to hurt.
I’m a new reader and this is the first post I am reading. After reading the comment above, I don’t think I could have said it better myself. You are a very strong person to look over at someone who says they are pregnant and offer your kindness shows just how valuable of a person you really are. Good luck to you. Unfortunately, life doesn’t turn out the way it should, or the way we would like it to 100% of the time and horrible things do/can happen everyday but good things come also. And when they do, they negate every ounce of sadness (and more) that you ever felt.
Thank you
(I’m a long-time stalker) I had a painfully long wait for my HCG to finally zero out. Now that it has I’m starting to feel more myself, but the sadness and self-loathing still linger. I hope your HCG is merciful and continues its nosedive so that you can start feeling better.
Thank you SO much for sharing. It is sad to know that so many of us have gone through this flavor of hell – but it is helpful to know I am not alone.
I was completely hormonal for way longer than I felt was acceptable after my ectopic. Hugs to you, hot stuff. This too shall pass.
I am SURE I have passed the “acceptable” timeframe…blarg.
(xo)
You are NOT alone.
xo
thank you. I am coming out of the dark.