There is a popular food movement out there called Eat This, Not That. I have seen the writers on morning talk shows haul out a giant platter of cheese fries and exclaim, “don’t eat this!” and then they reveal this super yummy looking alternative and triumphantly say, “eat that!”
I realized this week that this thinking applies to the comments and remarks that we make to each other. It’s a celebration and naturally we want to give someone a four layer chocolate slab of cake, but really that slab isn’t always going to be so well received. What might be better would be a super perfectly sized chocolate cupcake.
More to the point – there are life situations that we all wade through and sometimes people say the WRONG thing when they just don’t know any better. Unless we have been there, done that, chances are we have no idea what to say to comfort someone going through tough times.
I started to compile a list of life situations and what is OK to say and what is NOT OK to say to someone. There are gaps for you to help me fill. This is your chance to put out there what someone said to you that helped you through. And if you ever find yourself talking to a friend going through something and you are at a loss for words come back to this list and see if the answer is here.
SITUATION |
SAY THIS |
NOT THIS |
| Miscarriage | I’m sorry. | Were you trying for ANOTHER? |
| Miscarriage | Oh FUCK! | I’m trying to have a baby now too! |
| Miscarriage | What can I do to help? | Well, at least you lost the baby before you were too far along. |
| Kid Acting Up | Sympathize with the mom or dad. Smile. Offer platitudes | DON’T talk about how well behaved your kid is or how your kid would never do [fill in the blank with behavior]. In other words, if you can’t say something nice or constructive, ZIP IT! |
| Divorce | You want to meet up for drinks/coffee/cake/chocolate/shopping? | what HAPPENED?, Did you try counseling? I had a feeling that would happen |
| Big Family | What a beautiful family. | Oh! You have a big family because you’ve adopted! |
| Random | You are a rock star! | I don’t know how you’re coping with all of this! I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I were in your situation. |
| Death | there aren’t any good/great words in most of these circumstances. I just try to make sure my friends and loved ones know I will be there and walk with them through whatever hell they are experiencing. | God must have needed them more than you. |
| Death | I know you miss [him]. | Well at least you wont have to deal with [their attitude] anymore. |
| Marriage | Let’s plan a girl’s night out! | You’ve been married how long to that asshole? |
| Kid acting up | {smile gently and keep on walking} | I am so glad that is your kid & not mine. I wouldn’t stand for that behavior. |
| Messy House | Want to meet at my house? | Don’t you EVER clean. |
| Illness | Can I pick you up anything to feel better? | Stop complaining. |
| Anything | {if “bummer” is what you want to say then simply say nothing} | bummer |
| Selling a house | Let me know if you have a garage sale! | You are going to have to declutter before you sell.. |
| Hating a job | What makes you happy at work? | At least you have one, at least you can pay your bills, most people can’t do what they love because it doesn’t pay the bills. |
| Office chatter | Do you want me to get you a Starbucks? | Are you pregnant? |
| Adoption | What a beautiful family! | What is his Father? |
| Adoption | What a beautiful family! | How much did your kid cost? |
| Misc. Hard Times | I am so sorry you are going through this right now. | Just remember everything happens for a reason! |
| Unemployed | Let me know if I can forward your resume on to anyone. | Now you can write that book/ do home repairs/ spend time with your family! |
| Unemployed | I’ll treat the next girl’s night. | I hope you have some savings! |
| Alcoholic | Does it bother you if I drink? | But you can just have one now and then, right? |
| Infertility | Let’s do something with just the two of us. | Dude, you can have MY kids! | Infertility | This next try is going to work! | Some people just aren’t meant to be Moms. | Kids with invisible disabilities | How about a playdate? | The kids LOOK normal. | Autism Mom | Can I help you out sometime? | You must be supermom. I couldn’t possibly do XYZ. | Adoption | Say this | Don’t say this | SITUATION | {nothing} | Is that your real son? | Adoption | {nothing} | Where are they from? | Adoption | {nothing} | Who’s the real mom? | Death | I am sorry for your loss. | They are in a better place. | Infertility | {just listen} | My husband just has to LOOK at me and I get pregnant! We didn’t even try – ours was an “oops” baby. | Using Donor Eggs | {just listen} | So your’re not the REAL mom? | Lesbian couple announcing pregnancy or birth | Congratulations! | How’d THAT happen? | Two Moms | What a beautiful family you have! | Which one is the mom? | Gay | Cool. So what else is going on… | So how gay ARE you?….Guess that means you won’t have kids. | death/hard times | I’m thinking about you. | This too shall pass. | Weight Loss | You seem really proud. that’s great! | You look amazing/healthy/happy – anything that insinuates that he or she looked less good/healthy/happy before | Hard times | I know what you are going through. [only if you really DO] | never try to one up someone | Single & Looking | Want me to help you pick out photos for your _____ profile with you? | There is plenty of fish in the sea. or Finding the right guy/gal takes time. | Weight | {NOTHING} | You look like you have gained some weight. or You might need to stop eating so much. | Trying to get pregnant | {just be there for your friend} | Stop stressing so much and it will happen! Go on vacation, get drunk, relax! | Child with disability | Your daughter has beautiful eyelashes | What is WRONG with her? |
Special thanks to Jennifer, Shana, Amy, Andrea, Jill, Tina, Angela, Teresa, Sherry, Candice, Cecily, and other friends who shared.
What is missing? Let me know what to add.
{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh how the miscarriage ones annoy the shit out of me. The, well at least it was early…I’ve had both, a 5 week one and a 14 week one. Yeah, there’s nothing easy about it.
I’d like to add the…well maybe it’s gods way of telling you that you’ve had enough kids. Hi, do I look like the Duggars? Until then, shut it.
ps. I’ve been reading along and not commenting for months. I know how much this sucks and I’m very sorry. I’ll keep hoping that it works the next time.
Oh, my brain is a’storming on this one. I’ll get back to you
I am so so sorry…..
kid with invisible disability. don’t say The kids look normal what you should say how about a playdate.
Similar to JoAnn – finding out someone’s an Autism MOM, don’t say “you must be supermom, I couldn’t possibly do XYZ”, say “Can i for you sometime”
Adoption: say: anything except:
1) that your real son?
2) where they from?
3) you adopted them, right?
4) who’s the real mom?
5) I meant no harm, it was just a question…
Instead, simply say: NOTHING. You are a total stranger. SHUT UP! Seriously.
like!
The final infertility comment is horrific. I can’t fathom how anyone with feelings could say that.
Some what not to says that have been said to me
(with my commentary in parentheses):
Death: he/she is in a better place.
(um, nope. he/she was better off here. WITH ME.)
Adoption of older baby: at least you don’t have to deal with the newborn phase!
(that actually feels like a LOSS, dipshit.)
Infertity: My husband just has to LOOK at me and I get pregnant!
(omg how adorable are you two!)
Infertility: We didn’t even try – ours was an “oops” baby.
(um… I… ok)
IVF: Why don’t you just adopt?
(why don’t YOU just adopt?)
Using donor eggs: so you’re not the real mom?
Using donor eggs: what’s the mother like?
Ugh I’m on a roll here!
Great post, Dresden!
Gay or lesbian couple announcing pregnancy or birth of child:
Say: Congratulations!
Don’t Say: How’d THAT happen?
this made me LOL by the way. TOTALLY applies to a single person making the same announcement. I remember people responding to my announcement with, “I didn’t even know you were married!”
um…
Two Moms
Don’t say: Which one is the mom?
Say: What a beautiful family you have!
Matt follows that Eat This, Not That on Twitter and now he refuses to eat at the Cheesecake Factory.
Fantastic list! How about “I know just how you feel, my dog just died!” “If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” “What happened?!?!” (I get a lot of what happeneds. We just don’t know, okay?)
great. NOW I want to eat at the Cheesecake Factory.
THANKS MATT
topic
Gay
What you should say…
Cool. So what else is going on….
What not to say…
So how gay are you really? Cause I had this friend in college…..Did you know you are going to hell?…..So do you beleive in God……Well, do you like boys/girls even a little?……….I guess that means you won’t have kids……etc.
Awesome post. SO necessary!
Also in death/hard times/etc: “I’m thinking about you.” or “Please know that I’m abiding with you.” Not: “this too shall pass.”
Situation: Weight Loss
Say: You seem really proud; that’s great!
Don’t Say: You look amazing/healthy/happy/anything that insinuates that he or she looked less good/healthy/happy before.
Amazing list! Seriously! I think you should write it into a book. Thank you for including me, and my say-this-not-that.
Random loss situation: I have no idea what to say, but I will be here if you want to talk about it.
OR: I have no idea what to say, but I’m here and we don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.
Miscarriage: Say this: I’m so sorry.
Not that: It’s not that I PITY you, exactly, but, well…
I’m a long time lurker here. I think I Pinterest brought me here somehow and your connection to Tuscaloosa kept me coming back because I went to college there. I’ve never commented before, but I just have to comment on this post.
Pretty much any response that begins with the phrase “well, at least…” is just no go. Yes, the situation could probably be made worse by the addition of fire, flood, famine, or locusts. No, that does not make the present situation any less shitty. It stays in the same place on the Charlie Sheen Scale of Shittiness regardless.
And pretty much any response wherein you try to one-up the person in distress with some tale of your own past misfortune is unhelpful. “I know what you’re going through,” is fine if it’s true (although “I’m here for you” is universally more comforting). But don’t try to illustrate how very fortunate the sufferer really is because UNLIKE YOU he/she knew in advance that so-and-so was going to pass away, or because UNLIKE YOU their spouse was Satan in the flesh anyway so the divorce is no great loss.
Is it annoying to say that I will pray for you if you don’t “do” prayer? Not in a smug way like “you sinner, I saw you drink that beer I’ll pray for you” that’s ridiculous. But when disaster strikes I usually say it unless I know the person is specifically atheist.
I think something like “I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers” often works well. I think some people see praying as just a thing you do with God and that’s it, as opposed to its being a way to think yourself about people who need extra love and attention at that moment, if that makes sense. Adding “thoughts” might help bridge that potential gap in understanding.
When someone says ‘I’ll pray for you”, I know the intent is good, but it means nothing to me. I don’t believe in the power of prayer or necessarily in the concept of God. I don’t like how that saying is a ‘go to’ for some people. Since you asked
To folks who are single and looking (with no luck so far):
Say This:
Want me to help you pick out photos for your eHarmony/Match.com/Chemistry.com/JDate profile with you?
Not That:
There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
or, Finding the right guy/gal takes time.
oh god–the worst ones were after my IVF failed. “Heavenly Father must just have different plans for you.” (I was always at church when I heard that, so I didn’t feel free to tell the person to fuck off.) “Why don’t you just adopt?” (Because (a) it’s that easy to “just” adopt, and (b) apparently adoption is the right solution for everyone.) “You need to quit being so stressed about it.” (Because apparently stress is a major cause of severe stage 4 endometriosis. I didn’t know that. Thanks.) “So-and-so couldn’t get pregnant, and then they adopted, and then they got pregnant.” (Did so-and-so have severe stage 4 endometriosis that meant the only way she could possibly get pregnant was to have IVF/ICSI?) There were a lot of other ones, but I’ve mercifully forgotten most of them, having quit hanging around with people who could say such idiotic things.
What about when you show up at work wearing makeup, when normally you’re lucky to get out the front door with your hair and teeth brushed: “Your makeup looks fantastic!” “You look wonderful!” (question, what do I normally look like? No, don’t tell me. I’d rather not know.)
Weight loss: You look great! How much weight have you lost? (Is my sole worth as a person based on whether I wear makeup and lose weight?) And then there’s the silence when it’s obvious that I managed somehow to regain 20 pounds.
Sucky marriage: “Why don’t you just leave?” (Because I have some expenses that make it impossible for me to leave without having him continue to pay for some things, and I don’t want to take his money, and also, we’ve been married for 20+ years, and it’s not that easy to “just” leave, anymore than it’s that easy to “just” adopt.) Seriously, I’ve got some people who seem to feel that I’m accountable to them regarding my marriage and the leaving of it. They want to know what I’m doing. When I try to politely explain the complexities of the situation, they brush them off. “Oh, you’ll find a way.” (Yes, when I win the lottery and can pay off all of our family’s debts and then afford to live on my solitary income, yes, there will be a way. Or yes, when I’ve suffered through another 2 or 3 years of hell and managed to get all the debts paied off and enough money saved up to afford to live on my solitary income, yes.)
Sorry for the snark. You hit a hot button today.
And I hope you’re not hearing too many of the wrong things right now. After my one IVF attempt failed, I went days without answering the phone because I couldn’t bear to talk to anyone. I would sit there and listen to the message being left on the answering machine. One of my best friends left a long rambling message about how sorry she was and that she was glad I didn’t answer the phone because she knew she would have said the wrong thing. And she’s right–she was notorious for putting her foot in her mouth big time.
Love you!!!!!!
I love you too. xo
I have to add a category, Weight:
Say this: NOTHING
Not this: You look like you’ve gained some weight!
Or You are the fat one now
Or You might need to stop eating so much.
This has been a sore subject for me for a while.
-r
oh lady – you KNOW I think you look fab! That dress last weekend??? SO perfect on you!!
My biggest was when I was trying to get pregnant was: “Stop stressing so much and it will happen, go on vacation, get drunk, relax”. Ummm, infertility is not caused by stress.
I will throw one in that my friend Kate always says about her daughter who has a disability. She hates when people come up to her and say – “what is WRONG with her?” She would prefer – “your daughter has beautiful eyelashes.”
For our infertility I have heard:
“God has a plan for you”
“It will happen when you least expect it”
“Just relax”
“Stop trying so hard”
“It will happen if it’s meant to be”
“It will happen when God thinks we are ready”
I just want to punch people when they say stuff like this!
This is awesome and I wish I could anonymously forward it to everyone I know! I’ve realized going through IF including two early miscarriages over the past 18 months that almost everyone has said something that bothered me (everything happens for a reason, you’re lucky it happened early, maybe God doesn’t think you are financially secure enough to have children, how do you know you were even pregnant, does that even count as a miscarriage since it was so early, you should just get drunk/relax and it will happen, my sister-in-law tried for years and then just drank a margarita one night and got pregnant) so I naturally just stopped talking about it with almost everyone. Which is sad, because most people want to help, they just don’t know what to say (or maybe more accurately, they would know what to say if they paused and thought a moment before speaking and/or pulled their head out of their asses).
Big Family: Don’t say ‘Are they all yours?!?!?!’, say ‘What a lovely family!’
Adoption: What is his dad? …. Cocker spaniel? He’s human you idiot!
My favorite after my mc was “well, it was probably for the best since your husband just got laid off.” Even knowing that we had done IVF to get pregnant and probably wouldn’t be able to try again.
Niiiice. My mom said to me “It’s probably all for the best.” I just looked at her and said “Why?” Really, I want to know, when exactly is losing a planned pregnancy ‘for the best?’” Because the way I see it, when you go through IVF to get pregnant, carrying the baby to term would really be ‘for the best’, IMHO.
Could we please add to that?: [Misc. Hard Times] Something that happened in YOUR life or someone else’s that you deem just the same or much worse. “At least, you have…” Because there is NO greater hell that the one your are in and competing over who’s luck is worse and/or knowing that someone else suffers more does NOTHING FOR EITHER of you.
My MIL does this to me as a way to “relate” except her life experiences could not be farther from my own. I would simply like for her to respect that instead if making everything the Suck Olympics.
ugh – TOTALLY loathe the one-upping responses and the “at least….”
Haven’t commented in a long awhile, but this post is very interesting.
Ummm…reading this post helps me realize that I have said some completely idiotic things to people with the best of intentions. Bummer
That was the one I was surprised by– I didn’t realize that saying bummer in a truly bummer situation was bad. I will have to check myself on that one– I must have said it countless times to people.
Thinking of you, Dresden (who will always be Cali to me!)
I think “bummer” might be ok in person – but bummer seems too casual some times. (could just be me) Like it would be a bummer if someone missed the last 2 minutes of a finale of a show. But it wouldn’t be a bummer that someone got fired. (again – could just be me
)
Ugh! The “death” response…a million times over, don’t ever ever EVER say, “Well God must have needed him/her more in Heaven!”
I can’t begin the number of times someone would say this after we tragically lost our two year old son. Each and every time I wanted to punch them in the face and tell them there wasn’t any way God needed that child more than I did!
That went hand in hand with “Well, everything happens for a reason.” I call total BS on that one. Sometimes shit just happens!
I am not a fan of “everything happens for a reason” either.
Love the list! There could be a dozen new categories regarding eating choices and food allergies: To someone who keeps kosher – Don’t Say: Bacon’s awesome! What’s wrong with you? OR Well, what can you eat? OR Now, I have to change my whole menu? SAY: Oh, OK.
Love this list!
I swear some people just don’t think before they open their mouths or they find a way to distract from your situation and turn it into a positive on their part. That’s one of the last things someone needs. I have a friend who did this constantly (we don’t talk much anymore). Any time I would bring something up she would retort with how happy she is. I wanted to bitch slap her.
Great list… I have to admit, I’m with AmyH on the “bummer” front. oops.
My son was stillborn when I was 35wks pregnant.
A simple “sorry” is appreciated anytime over:
- At least he didn’t really live.
- At least you didn’t get to know him.
And last but not least – the classic: You can have another baby.
Thanks for this. Let’s spread the word.
I said to Amy – I think bummer is probably better in person than in print. But it could totally just be me.
(I am so sorry for your loss. xo)
Everyone’s mother needs to read this LOL
The other one that bothered me is when my disabled uncle died young, people said, “Well, he was lucky to live to 59 since his original life expectancy was 10 years old.” I was like.. no, he was definitely NOT lucky, he deserved to live as long a life as anyone else, maybe more so since he never complained, always offered a sympathetic ear, and was literally like an angel here on earth, despite his numerous challenges. There was nothing lucky about his situation, though he definitely made the best of it.
I wrote a whole chapter on this in my NICU book. People are so rude! Sorry chick! So annoying!
What about things a doctor shouldn’t say to an IF patient? If you add that category, I’d like to submit this comment after learning my numbers were really low for 11 weeks and no heartbeat. “It’s not the end of the world.”
I do my best, but I hope I have never stuck my foot in my mouth in any of these ways listed.
you’ve never stuck your foot in in with me! If anything you always say the PERFECT thing. xo
These are hilarious… and so very, very real.
That weight loss one resonated! When I lost weight, I kept hearing “You look great, your face is much thinner.” My face was FAT??? I had no idea! And really, I didn’t want to know!
For single friends don’t say “I just know you’ll meet THE ONE.” Say “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” So tired of hearing about THE ONE. I’ve been hearing it for over 10 years now.
I have a physical disability. When people ask me if I have a job/where do I work, so often I get “At least it gives you something to do.” I really like my job. It’s only part time, and I probably won’t want to do it the rest of my life, but I like the people, and the work, above and beyond being a “useful and productive citizen.” And mostly I like that I am paid for it, and can spend the money on doing the OTHER things I do. I mean, for heaven’s sake, it’s a job, not a daycare centre! So I’d really rather people just say, “I’m glad you found something you like.” or “That sounds interesting.” Or pretty much anything other than that.
Here’s one I don’t see addressed. When your friend comes to you with a potentially serious health concern, don’t say, “It couldn’t possibly be that. There is no way you have cancer.” Or whatever it is they suspect.
Say, “That has to have you feeling really anxious. What can I do for you while we wait to hear your results?”
Because anything is possible, and after your friend has suffered through said terrible illness and is gone? That statement you made will fucking haunt you forever.
Big Family: DON’T SAY, Don’t you know how that happens? SAY, What a beautiful family!
do not say- for divorce: “you’re still young”, “thank god you never had kids”, “did he hit you?” (um, never, thanks!), “did he cheat on you?” (yes! let me tell you the whole story RIGHT NOW.)
do not say- for single moms: “is his father involved?”, “well, at least you got something out of the relationship”, and my personal favorite “he’s going to need a father figure, you know”.
do not say- to anyone choosing not to date: “but you don’t want to die alone, do you?”
people are idiots.
“You don’t want to die alone, do you?” ZOMG!! That is horrible. If someone said that to you I am so so so sorry.
Someone once told me (regarding my single status), “Well, you probably have some time to still find someone.”
gee. thanks. heh
I just stumbled upon this via a friend’s Pinterest board, and just wanted to add a couple from my experience as a mom of three boys and a girl.
Situation: a family with all one sex of child–Don’t say: “Are you going to try for [opposite sex child] next?” Do say: “What a beautiful family!”
Situation: a family with three children of one sex and a baby of the opposite sex–Don’t say “You FINALLY got your [insert sex of baby]!!” Do say: “What a beautiful family!”
Rude. Just rude. Especially when your three boys are standing right there listening to a stranger say that their baby sister was one that Mom and Dad *finally* got. Um, no. I always tell said rude stranger that nothing was missing before we were blessed with our girl, or all of our kids are special blessings, etc. etc.
oh that is awful!! Saying anything like that is lame, but in front of kids?
ugh!