Revisiting July, 2010: A Hard Month

Sharing a post that captures so much of the stress and angst that my family went through when we were going through some of our hardest times.

{I am speaking on my panel later this morning. You can follow the National Anti-Hunger Policy Conference tweets using the #hungerpc2012 hashtag on twitter.}

Independence day for the jobless
Originally posted on JULY 3, 2010
july boy

It’s another one of those posts that are incredibly hard for me to write, but the alternative, the one where I keep it bottled up inside of me, is not really working out so well. Yesterday, on the way back from my MRI evaluation with my neurologist (which I will write about later this weekend- everything is fine, there is a plan in place) Mother told me while I was in with the doctor that she had gotten an e-mail from the place where she had interviewed three times. And they hired someone else. And as much as we KNEW it was not a good job fit in terms of what Mom is capable of and what the job was (essentially a person that manned the file room of a law firm) it was still a JOB. And both of us are willing to make ourselves fit into any position. So not getting the job, yes even a bad fit job, is hard. Devastating.

So the car ride home was stressful with both of us quietly freaking out. Mom’s health benefits ended at midnight on July 1st and within two weeks she will be at the end of her prescriptions. And without insurance some of her prescriptions are about $400. So Mom is talking about how things are going to be when she is not on the meds and I’m thinking- how the fuck is she going to be able to be able to apply for a job if she isn’t healthy? How is she going to be able to sit through an interview?

My anxiety goes into hyper drive and I start feeling like I am such a horrible, horrible Mom to W. I mean I know he is oblivious to all of this chaos. I know that he feels love. But holy fuck! This is not the life I imagined for us.

I tried to be a Mother for five years and in all of that time never did I think that when it finally happened that I would be penniless and on state insurance and unable to find a job that would even allow me to afford daycare for him. Never did I think that I would be on food stamps. Never did I think that I would have to ask for so much help, need so much help, depend on so much help. It is embarrassing. It feels weird. It feels wrong. It feels like I have failed.

When I imagined this part of my life I thought it would be empowering and amazing. A life goal achieved. Mission accomplished! Now I just fear that at some point W will ask me why I chose to have him. I just weep to think of that. To think that anyone would think that I would chose this life of poverty for him.

It fucking sucks. And I hate bringing it all out into the open like this and I do not expect there to be a magic solution. We are just one family and if you turn on the news or read the news you will see that we are not alone.

It just feels that way in the middle of the night when I am all alone with my thoughts and sadness.

Oh man. I am having a hard day. I am tempered glass.

Comments

  1. Lolly says

    I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ‘safe’ again. I would not have survived if we hadn’t had each other. Loving you always.

  2. says

    I remember this post very well and I have actually thought of it often in recent months, as your life has been expanding in such exciting ways. Wish you had a Delorean equipped with a flux capacitor so you could reassure your 2010 self that your family would make it through the dark times and back into the light.

Talk to the plaid: