It’s not like the people I grew up with were wealthy. Our county was predominantly poor and rural. Our teen drop out rate was shockingly high because it “didn’t matter,” and you were Someone if you could afford to shop at the Gap and Old Navy. Color coordinating outfits and a few trapper-keepers. Trapper Keepers? Please. That put you right on the map for stardom in my school.
I lived in a trailer; and not one of those fancy double-wides other kids had. Ours was the good ole extra long ’77 model. It was clean, homey and well kept but an easy way to earn a label. I was the product of a divorced home. My Mom could afford almost none of the “in” brands. Add that to the fact that I was smart, eager and sensitive, and I just thank God that I was a girl and had an awesome circle of friends and family throughout school.
Don’t get me wrong. There were a lot of us and plenty who were worse off. Mom had to use heat assistance a few times, every now and then my step sister and I qualified for the state health care my parents couldn’t afford, and we often paid less for our school lunches. Much of my extended family was also poor and experienced these things often. But then my Stepfather fell very ill, and our almost poverty level income dropped to well below. And in the same asshat thinking that is “just adopt,” people blithely insisted that mom should “just get a degree.” What Mom did was bust her butt. Family helped out. And we went on every assistance program available. Vivid flashes of memory remain from then:
• Burning under the scrutiny as we bought groceries with food stamps.
• Cupping my hand around the free lunch voucher as I handed it to the cashier.
• Shivering as the wind whistled through the trailer’s outlets and shoddy insulation. Heat assistance only covered so much.
• Wondering at Mom’s sharp comments when we’d ask for even a small treat.
• “Sucking it up” during times when we couldn’t afford to go to the doctor.
At the same time, I also remember our happiness when we each got a candy bar during 25 cent sales. We learned how to do a lot for ourselves. We adored going through the bags of almost new (sometimes with tags!) clothes that we got from a relative who cleaned for a doctor. We spent a lot of time with family and with the simple things in life.
I learned a lot. I learned what was most important to me. I learned that anything can happen to anybody and any comfort we have that it can’t is an illusion. I learned that poverty is crushing to escape. I did it only by biting and clawing my way out with a lot of help from a good support system. I got a degree. I worked very hard. I did it all the “right” way, and while I’m much better off, we’re still just a few lost paychecks from disaster.
People sometimes believe that the poor are “lazy, worthless and stupid.” That’s a convenient way to think it could never happen to them. I want to say, “Think about it.” Did you have a college fund? Did you buy your first car? Did you pay your own insurance? Did you help buy things for the family with your first job? If you start out with nothing, it takes a lot more effort to even get to the starting position many others have. You need more loans and acquire more debt. You pay more interest on that debt. You have fewer well-heeled connections for good jobs. Your jobs tend to pay less. You become a trailblazer in your family circle. I’m just so glad I learned all that. I learned about the divide. I learned how to shove my way up, and I’m aware of the yawning abyss on the other side.
Guest Post by Barb from Fertility Challenged in Florida. Barb lives in Florida with her husband and super cute son. She talks to animals and they talk back. She would like it to be noted that the photo of the double wide in this post is not the actual double wide that she lived in. Her double wide was more “quaint and in the forest”.
photo credit: moominsean via photopin cc
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
So true about the starting point
It’s so true about the starting point being such a big factor – the effort to get a qualification and then pay off your loans is far from equal.
VERY VERY TRUE.. most people that has never had it “bad” never walked a mile in our shoes. It takes time, tears , and lots of hard work to try to come out of this hell when you are poor. Sometimes it doesnt happen , you have to be in the right place at the right time even with assistance . But IT CAN HAPPEN!
I am the only child to graduate high school and go to college (2 degrees) in my family.
Am I still struggling ? Am I on assistance .YES!
I am a divorced mom of 3 .Trying to get a better life .
And now gonna be a grand mom at 36!!!
But I am confident it will get better.:)
Brava. I love these guest posts. I’m pretty much a one-percenter with my eyes wide open about how I got here (I didn’t earn ANY of it). There seem to be two kinds of people: those who think we can fix and control and avoid problems, and those who have experienced and been humbled by those problems. At least hard economic times may have made us a more compassionate America. Maybe.
Actually… I didn’t even have a double wide. That was too fancy. I had an extra long single wide.
Thanks for the great insights from all of you! I hope we become more understanding and knowledgeable as a country.
So much of this seems like it was written directly from my childhood memories! We moved into a doublewide when I was in second grade and it was a BIG DEAL! Even though I was lucky enough (thanks to student loans) to go to both college and grad school (twice) and now have a pretty decent job, I (like you) know that poverty isn’t as far away as some people think.
THANK YOU for this post!
Barb, you are awesome. You reminded me of other hard times we had when D was a little girl and I was newly divorced and really struggling. There were many, many times it was all Too Hard — but giving up was never an option. The grace of God –through threads of ‘tiny miracles’ and friends and working harder than I ever knew was possible — kept us going.
Those people who feel so entitled to sneer down at the strugglers, to your point, probably never had to scrap to reach their perceived lofty positions in the social order. A friend used to call those who felt so entitled (but through no hard work of their own) as “standing on dead men’s legs”.
Who wants to live in poverty or in straitened circumstances? I can’t think of anyone. Why do some people think that it is a choice or evidence of lesser human worth? I don’t know. There aren’t many people who are totally insulated from the effects of life and the times, and it is sad to see people who are knackered by personal disasters that have dumped them in the hard part of town. It is a frightening, cold way to learn humility.
Thank goodness for friends and supporters who help us along our paths. There is no appreciation great enough for them. And we need to reach back and help those who are struggling behind us whenever we are able.
Thank you so much for sharing your reality. HUGS!
Wow. All of this is so true. My dad was from a moderately comfortable family, but my mom was, as she put it, “poorer than dirt.” Six kids, and two alcoholic parents kind of poor. Mom became pregnant at 15, and had me at 18, and my parents had to claw their way up to get to poor. Thank goodness we live in Canada, where health care is (largely) free, since my younger brother and I were both disabled kids. I remember being about 12 or so when a girl looked and me and laughed and said “did you get your shoes from the Salvation Army?” and I said, “I think so.” I didn’t realize until then that having to buy clothes second hand was something most people didn’t have to do. I can also remember being angry at my mom for not noticing my teeth weren’t straight, until she told me we couldn’t afford braces, so I’d just have to learn to deal with it.
We had a happy childhood though. Mom and Dad always made sure each one of us had one after-school activity, and because of my disability, I went to summer camp every year. My parents worked very hard for years, and now they’re both in business for themselves and raising foster children. We’re still poor, but we have a lot more choices now.
Now, I’m on the Disability Support program. And while my family and friends know that I work hard at my part-time job, and am working even harder to earn a degree to get a better job and leave the system behind, there are still plenty of people who believe anything extra I can earn for myself is a handout I don’t deserve. It’s a tough mentality to get past.
There’s no shame in being poor. I am proud of how much my parents could do with so little, and I am proud that they passed that on to me, and I hope one day I won’t need the knowledge as much as I do now, but it’s still there, and I’m glad.
Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks so much all! Ally, our experiences are VERY similar. My mom was 16, my dad 18. My husband is Canadian! I like Canadians.
So glad you’re doing well Hannah! I love that quote Lolly! And thank you so much!
Wonderful post, Barb!
You are so right about the starting point too. That is one of the reasons I want to limit our family size to a size where we could (hopefully) provide our children with a starting point.
Thanks Jen! Yes. very agreed here.
This is a very thought provoking series you are running. I has caused me to think about my own childhood on assistance. My mother was a divorced mother of three, who used public assistance to go back to college and get her degree. The state helped with child care and food stamps bought our food and my grandparents bought our clothes from the Sears catalog. Even after she got her degree and was working full time, life was not all rosy. I had free school lunch (my punch card was pink rather than the gray that those who paid got), and twice a month on pay day we would get the wonderful treat of dinner at McDonald’s. (singe hamburger for each of us with milk) My mom did a great job of keeping us going though. We even had mini vacations. When she would get tired of our bleak existence we would pile in the care with our camping supplies and a cooler of peanut butter and saltine crackers and a gallon of milk and just drive somewhere. We would usually get to the campgrounds after dark and leave before sun-up so that we didn’t have to pay, and we spent the days at free attractions. I am now grown with my own kids, and my mom finally did “make it” to the solid middle-class. We may have attained a higher life style, but as was said above, I know that I am only a few paychecks from assistance myself. It is so hard to get away from it when you start with nothing in your bank account. When I graduated from college, I had no money, lots of student loan debt and no car to get me to my new job. 15 years later I feel like I am still digging out of that hole (closer to the top, but still digging).
Excellent, excellent post, Barb. It is very thought provoking and I can think of so many that need to realize it.
It makes me laugh (though it’s not really funny) to look at the picture of “My First Home” in my baby book and compare it to Skeeter’s first home. My first home also had wheels
But it was home and my parents took pride in everything they had. I remember my Mom telling me once that she knew how to live poor – she didn’t like it but she can do it when she needs to.
I think about that a lot. Now that I am a single mom – poor really is just a couple of pay checks away. I try to think about living poor (or at least living cheap) when I make my budget and plan spending for that pay period.
Yaaay for your guest post! Very well written!
I’m loving these guest posts, too. So many people take basic advantages for granted. The starting point is just the beginning. So true.
Great post. Thank you for telling your story.
My Dad grew up very poor and he’s told us stories about Spam being the only protein they got to eat, and that was once a week, with one can split between 4 kids.
“That’s a convenient way to think that it will never happen to them.” Indeed.
Thank you for sharing this. Crazy how much fear and shame surround poverty. I can’t say I grew up poor. I can’t say I’ve ever been poor. Just on the edge of qualifying for assistance? Yes. One missing paycheck away? Yep. But for all that I appreciate what I have, just how amazingly fortunate I am, I still feel the sting when I can’t afford something basic, even when it’s because of the choices I’ve made with my abundance. When I can’t provide my kids with something they want. What on earth is that about? Makes me question how much I’ve internalized that message, that I KNOW to be untrue, that to be poor is to be “less than”- not just in income, but as people.
Thanks for sharing your story Barb.
I grew up in a similar way. My mother and I were homeless for a time and that was beyond terrifying. Thankfully we were accepted into a program where different churches in the community housed and fed us dinner for one week at a time. As a product of the welfare system, I believe it is there for the use of those truly in need. It IS abused and that is sad. I try today as a SAHM, along with my hardworking husband, to leave that aid for those who honestly can’t do without it. It is so hard, especially when so many around me are on government aid, willingly divulging all their purchases of the latest gadgets, and living a lot more comfortably than me! They almost insinuate I’m the dumb one spinning my wheels to make ends meet. I struggle to stay unbiased about those using the aid available, but sometimes I falter. I would love some feedback on this topic on my blog http://notsosloth.blogspot.com/2012/01/tough-commitment-to-keep.html?m=1 Feel free to comment and follow.
This is heart-touching.